Christmas with babies

[JML91]

My miracle twins were born 13 weeks ago. Since then my husband and I seem to arguing so much more and Christmas seems to be a big issue that keeps being bought up.

Firstly, my husband wanted both sides of family round on Xmas day and for us to host. He says as it’s the twins first Christmas everyone should be together. That would mean 8 adults and 2 infants, plus a cat and a dog that hate each other. Recently I am getting totally overstimulated and stressed by even 2 people coming over, let alone 8. I know that I would end up being very stressed for weeks before and be hosting/cooking/tidying rather than spending quality time with the twins. I've said I'm sure we can host next year, but he’s adamant that it should be for their first christmas. Am I wrong in not wanting to host Christmas for the grandparents for the first time?

The second issue is about Christmas presents. I am on maternity leave so my money is limited. We tried to suggest secret Santa to my family but we were outnumbered and the idea was shot down. That was neither mine/my husbands wishes. My husband is still adamant that we buy no gifts for them (not even £20) but yet is still happy to go on days/nights out with friends. I am desperately trying to save money as I want to buy my family a token gift, so I have said no to attending my work Xmas party and other social ‘luxuries’ so that i can afford to buy some gifts (my decision and not his). He says I have my morals wrong and that the point of maternity is to socialise and get out for my own mental health and if i want to buy gifts for my immediate family during this time then I have my priorities wrong and that I am prioritising my family over him/twins. I do understand what he’s saying, but equally I can’t not buy a little something for my family, especially knowing they are buying for us and if we have the money to socialise. What do you think?

Your twins won’t remember their first Christmas and will be asleep for most of it, so your DH is being unreasonable. I don’t think either set of grandparents will expect you to host them either, as I’m sure they understand what it’s like to become a mother for the first time.
Also, you’re likely to spend more on food and drink hosting 8 adults than you would if you spend £20 on a token gift for each couple. I know that when I host I spend more than £10 per head.

Tell your DH that if he wants to host, then HE will be hosting. You will not be lifting a finger or helping in any way. HE will be preparing Dinner, HE will be topping up drinks for the parents, HE will be waiting on you and the babies hand and foot.

The point of Maternity leave is to recover from small humans exiting your body (I assume you must have had a C Section with the twins? So even more important that you rest after MAJOR SURGERY).

For your family, I would buy them something small each. Even if it's just a tub of chocolates like celebrations, which won't cost the earth.

What are DH's plans for gifts for his side of the family?

I hope your husband is a good cook.

So to be fair, he has said that he/the grandparents would be the ones cooking but I’m not sure if id be able to stay away knowing someone else is cooking in my house (I know my problem!).
His family have their own children so we have agreed to buy the children only. My side do not have children.

If he wants people over, HE can host them. You're busy looking after twins. No planning, putting up decorations, no cooking, no cleaning, no hosting, no nothing.

"Haha! My job is looking after my babies. I'm still healing physically and emotionally from pregnancy and labour. Don't expect anything from me. If you want people over, you'll be doing everything. Planning, cooking, cleaning, preparing beds, socialising, the works. Expect nothing because i am already doing two full time jobs."

I think your husband should be putting his hand in his pocket to pay for things he says should happen. Such as you getting out and about on maternity leave with twins! And Christmas!

I hosted a big party when my first (single!) Baby was about 8 weeks old. It was stressful. I had too much to do and felt overwhelmed. I ended up baking a cake at 10pm the night before the party whilst DH family set in the garden having a jolly old time and DH cleaned the house around them.

I would say that having Christmas at home may well be less stressful - you won't have to pack up all the stuff you'll need for the babies and you'll be able to just go to bed and scream into your own pillow any time it gets too much.

but you and your DH have to be a unified front when it comes to everyone else doing the actual cooking and cleaning up after. Ask people to bring part of the meal, even if its drink or dessert.

But your DH has to step up and put the effort in to realising these dreams of his. And, like I said, pay his share of costs incurred. Unless he is also on maternity pay.

You should definitely let go of the idea you not being able to stay away from the kitchen. You should stay in your pj's and not really move from the sofa.
Twins are an incredible amount of work for you.

I'm actually surprised that these family members haven't laughed at the idea of burdening themselves on you like this.

Unless they've explicitly stated they're coming over to do the work of cooking, cleaning etc to give you both a break, I can't see any reasonable person expecting anything less.

Offer to sit and help him plan a menu. Sit back and see how he gets on. Suggests visiting windows where each family can call for coffee and cake instead. And do not offer up plans to visit them with small dc... Next year and the future ones will be best at home too.

He sounds pretty grim, frankly. Selfish, obtuse, dismissive and lacking in empathy.

How far away do your families live? Is it an option for everyone to come round for an hour or two and a cup of tea/mince pie, so they can see the babies and give them their presents.
It saves all the cooking etc and means you only have to tidy/decorate one room, it’ll also save a huge amount of money (hosting 8 people for Christmas lunch plus drinks and snacks will be really expensive).

Staying home with babies is definitely the easiest option, but not if you end up doing all the cooking and hosting.

Also, I totally understand why you want to give gifts to your family rather than go out to parties etc.
Would you want to go to the parties if you could easily afford it (when my kids were 4 months old the last thing I’d have wanted was to have to make the effort to go on a big night out)? If so, and YOU think it would be good for your mental health then I’d prioritize it and just buy a box of chocolates per couple (you have told your family that you can’t afford big gifts this year).
However, ultimately it should be your decision how you choose to spend your ‘fun’ money. He can choose to prioritize a night out over buying for his family if he wants to. There are loads of cheap and free activities that you can do with your friends and family if you want to socialize over the festive period.

Your husband sounds horrible.

Hosting Christmas when you have new twins and are generally stressed is a bad idea and I'm surprised your families haven't said so. How far apart do you all live? If it's not too far I'd be tempted to invite everyone for coffee and (shop) mince pie on Christmas Eve for a short period and then enjoy a quiet Christmas with your babies. That way no one is left out. The twins will have no idea what's going on.

On presents, it's reasonable to think you shouldn't be killing yourself to buy expensive gifts- it's a shame no one wanted to do secret santa. You have enough on your plate. How about ordering some discounted books on Amazon- that way you won't need to spend more than £5 or so per person and it's all done in 10 minutes. However he's dead wrong to be so dismissive of what you are trying to do and to say you should just be prioritising him/twins. What about prioritising yourself?? And that includes respecting your choice of what to spend your money on, even if he doesn't agree.

Really, irrespective of Christmas, the underlying issue here is him thinking he can boss you about. Is he always so dictatorial? You will get some good advice if you post on Relationships xx

We always hosted. But my husband cooked it and we had a cleaner (so no major 'clean' before the day). I did all the decorations and present wrapping and table setting. And it was family, so pretty chill. We had four kids between us, and it was lovely. I much rather host in my home than go elsewhere, and having extra hands to cuddle the baby and toddler was good too!

If he's prepared to do the hosting then I would be fine with it and just stay well away from the kitchen. DS was born last December and there's something extra special about having a new baby at Christmas.

He absolutely doesn't get to tell you how to spend your maternity leave though. If you don't want to go to the Christmas party then of course, don't go and focus on buying a token present.

Edited - replied on wrong thread.