Should we be alternating?

Impossible62 · 2023-11-10T08:03:18+00:00

Christmas is always me, DH, our two young children, and PILs. I want to stay at home but there is pressure to alternate with PILs. The travel time is only 30 minutes so driving isn’t a hardship. Is it necessary to go to their house every other Christmas to be “fair” or is it okay to stay at home?

fairislecable · 10/11/2023 08:29

By alternating everyone benefits.

The year you are at home is probably fun but hard work, cooking the dinner takes a lot of time and effort, but is ultimately satisfying.

Having dinner at your PIL means you have time for the kids and even time to dress up nicely, do hair etc.

Bonbon21 · 10/11/2023 08:33

Year about... your folks..then his folks.. then at home with just you, him and your kids... no elders!

If you must!

You can say no if that is what you want... other peoples Christmas 'joy' is not your responsibility.
You need to make YOUR traditions at home cos the older generation wont always be there.

FallingAutumnLeaf · 10/11/2023 08:39

What about your family?

Yes, I think you should go there occasionally - doesn't have to be every other year.

We do a 3 way rotation. My family, DHs family, just us.

Shinyandnew1 · 10/11/2023 08:42

Are you saying you want to stay at home every year with your in laws coming to you? Or not coming to you?

What do they want to do? My parents come to me every year but they’re pleased as it saves them cooking. What do your in laws actually want to do?

Original poster

Impossible62 · 10/11/2023 08:52

My family live on the other side of the world so we visit at a different time of year and don’t have Christmas with them. I moved so that DH could stay close to his family. PILs are welcome at ours for Christmas and we would never exclude them. It’s a case of each of us rather being in our own home at Christmas.

I know that alternating could be less stressful for some but there are no real benefits for me to have Christmas in their house. We used to go before having children and I didn’t enjoy it much.

OP posts:

Woman2023 · 10/11/2023 09:08

Absolutely announce that you will host this year and they are welcome. If they don't want to you can offer to visit on Boxing Day. Then you have two days of celebrations.

Ibravedaflood · 10/11/2023 09:11

Your dc deserve a Christmas at home.

housethatbuiltme · 10/11/2023 09:15

No.

I don't leave the house on Xmas day, never have bar a few awful years where I was a loose end and hated every seconds of it so never will again (except for say a house fire etc...).

PIL are perfectly fine and allowed to stay at theirs if they want to as well but they cannot force you to go if you do not want to.

It seems their choice is either stay at home or come to you, thats PLENTY of choice and their decision to make since you have made yours.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/11/2023 09:21

I think when you have children, you should say that Christmas is going to be in your house from now on and they are welcome to visit you.

Original poster

Impossible62 · 10/11/2023 09:45

Thank you for the advice. We did say after having children that we wanted to have Christmas in our own home each year but they aren’t happy about this so I wanted to know if it was too selfish or unreasonable.

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 10/11/2023 12:16

Personally, I would stay at home and don't think YWBU to do so. I also think DC would probably enjoy being at home too, so that they can play with all their presents.
But, what does your DH think?

WeirdPookah · 10/11/2023 12:38

Our first Christmas after having children, we rushed opening presents at home, then to one parents, then onto the others. It was an awful rush, I begrudged driving for hours and nothing felt satisfactory.

The following year we went to my parents for a whole day just before Christmas, had Christmas Day at home as a family, then to my husbands parents Boxing Day and slept over (which I hate, but tolerate this once) as they live further away.

I refuse to compromise my children's childhood Christmas, when by doing this alternative way means they see far more of their grandparents, spend more time doing fun things, more festive meals and nothing is rushed.... it's all round better.

You just have to get over the date, realise it's just as special regardless of the number on the calendar.

Britneyfan · 10/11/2023 12:53

I don’t really understand the obsession a lot of people have on mumsnet with their children being in their own home for Christmas. To my mind, kids love Christmas wherever they are, my now teenage son has literally never been in his own home for Christmas but he absolutely loves Christmas and enjoys being with relatives in their home every year. It’s what works for us. I guess to be fair maybe it’s a bit different for us as they live in another part of the U.K. so we go there and stay there for at least a week over the whole Christmas period and he has his own room there, his presents there etc rather than just visiting someone for the day.

Having said that if you want to do Christmas in your own home that’s fine. It sounds like your PILs would too. But you also want to spend time together. Alternating is a reasonable solution but you don’t have to agree to it if you don’t want to.

What about doing Christmas Day at home and Boxing Day with them every year? Or alternate Christmas Day and Boxing Day every year? We spend every Boxing Day at my aunt’s house, it’s a tradition and we all enjoy it.

Or spend part of the day at home every year and part of it you alternate where you’re all meeting up?

housethatbuiltme · 10/11/2023 13:39

Britneyfan · 10/11/2023 12:53

I don’t really understand the obsession a lot of people have on mumsnet with their children being in their own home for Christmas. To my mind, kids love Christmas wherever they are, my now teenage son has literally never been in his own home for Christmas but he absolutely loves Christmas and enjoys being with relatives in their home every year. It’s what works for us. I guess to be fair maybe it’s a bit different for us as they live in another part of the U.K. so we go there and stay there for at least a week over the whole Christmas period and he has his own room there, his presents there etc rather than just visiting someone for the day.

Having said that if you want to do Christmas in your own home that’s fine. It sounds like your PILs would too. But you also want to spend time together. Alternating is a reasonable solution but you don’t have to agree to it if you don’t want to.

What about doing Christmas Day at home and Boxing Day with them every year? Or alternate Christmas Day and Boxing Day every year? We spend every Boxing Day at my aunt’s house, it’s a tradition and we all enjoy it.

Or spend part of the day at home every year and part of it you alternate where you’re all meeting up?

My DH did alternate years between home and family... he confirmed they HATED the years not at home (and they get on with family fine). Same as above he couldn't relax and play with his new toys he had to entertain younger cousins, all dressed up in someone elses house where he had to hyper watch his manners and couldn't just do as he wanted when he wanted.

I only ever did Xmas not at home as an adult... I also bloody hated it.

minipie · 10/11/2023 13:56

What is it you prefer about being at home? Is there any way of recreating that at PILs?

For example, if you like flopping on the sofa for a movie after the big lunch then I’d just be open about that and say how about we all watch a movie - and if PILs don’t want to then take yourself off to a bedroom and watch on a tablet.

Leaving that aside I think alternating sounds perfectly fair.

minipie · 10/11/2023 13:58

Also just for balance - I have never had Christmas at home as an adult - we have always gone to my parents or PILs. I love it! None of the meal/bed prep etc. We do help out once there of course but the pressure is off. They prefer hosting and sleeping in their own beds so win win.

Rjahdhdvd · 10/11/2023 13:59

Since having DC we said we were having Christmas at our home so our children can play with all their new toys etc. people are welcome to visit but we aren’t going elsewhere on Christmas Day. Luckily both pil were happy to pass on the hosting job.

idontlikealdi · 10/11/2023 14:09

We're going to in laws on Christmas Eve this year, my kids want to be at home (so do I) on Christmas Day and they don't want to drive.

Original poster

Impossible62 · 10/11/2023 14:30

Sorry I’ve rethought this post but thank you for all your advice.

OP posts:

housethatbuiltme · 10/11/2023 14:31

minipie · 10/11/2023 13:56

What is it you prefer about being at home? Is there any way of recreating that at PILs?

For example, if you like flopping on the sofa for a movie after the big lunch then I’d just be open about that and say how about we all watch a movie - and if PILs don’t want to then take yourself off to a bedroom and watch on a tablet.

Leaving that aside I think alternating sounds perfectly fair.

I like the fact that its my house... I can MELT on the sofa in a spralled heap with no pants on to allow my food baby expansion room and my sasquatch legs breathing the crisp winter cold air.

Sitting uncomfortably on an overcrowded sofa with the in laws while dressed up uncomfortably for xmas unable to here the telly because everyone else wants to talk is in NO way the same or a compromise. Neither is going to sit in a strangers bedroom alone (which would also be incredibly RUDE).

People SAY make yourself at home but you cannot truly act the way you do when relaxed at home in another persons house. You have to jump through fiery rings of politeness and etiquette.

Its worse if your not well, one of the few time I did go out I caught a horrific winter bug (wonder how in a tiny room full of people) or maybe it was food poisoning.

Pregnant and violently ill in someone elses house on your hands and knees cleaning up projectile vomit while trying not to pass out. As people look at you with pity but smiling comments double edged with how you ruined it for everyone is utter misery. Never had a xmas so bad.

minipie · 10/11/2023 14:37

Yup housethatbuiltme but the OP has said PILs are welcome at hers, so presumably the pants off sofa melting wouldn’t be possible in that scenario either. I’m more wondering why “PILs come to ours” is better than “we go to PILs”.

Being ill at someone else’s house is really horrible, my sympathies.

housethatbuiltme · 10/11/2023 15:24

minipie · 10/11/2023 14:37

Yup housethatbuiltme but the OP has said PILs are welcome at hers, so presumably the pants off sofa melting wouldn’t be possible in that scenario either. I’m more wondering why “PILs come to ours” is better than “we go to PILs”.

Being ill at someone else’s house is really horrible, my sympathies.

Because I could at least go get changed into my comfy 'home' clothes (likely never got out of them) and I can put my feet up on MY sofa.

It still wouldn't be great because by that point they have clearly overstayed but its still light years away from using someone elses bathroom, having to ask if you want to use anything and having to sit proper like a visiting Mormon waiting to recite scripture.

quivers · 10/11/2023 15:38

Impossible62 · 10/11/2023 09:45

Thank you for the advice. We did say after having children that we wanted to have Christmas in our own home each year but they aren’t happy about this so I wanted to know if it was too selfish or unreasonable.

You're not being any more unreasonable than they are.