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Original poster

Tips to have "the chat" (Santa isn't real) with 11yo

33 replies

Crunchymum · 07/11/2023 16:01

He still believes and whilst I don't want to be the one to dash his beliefs, I think he needs to know.

Any tips / pointers on what to say?

I realise this may not be in the ethos of the Christmas topic board but I love Christmas and want to keep it a special time for him (there are also younger siblings although my 9yo will probably figure it out soon!)

OP posts:
Ohdearwhatnow4 · 07/11/2023 16:04

If theirs no sen, I would just tell him and be clear he's not to tell the younger ones. I'd also say now he's older he can be in charge off something could be choosing the Xmas crackers or decorating a room whatever you feel is appropriate. All off mine knew by 9 and 1 even knew by 5 which was a shame but it happens. We never had the elf on a shelf or Xmas eve boxes so that's a blessing

Minttee · 07/11/2023 16:09

I asked my ds at age 12 do you still believe in Father Christmas? He looked a bit shocked, then said he wasn't sure. I sort of planted the seed that he might not be real rather than just telling him. He admitted years later that he actually had no idea at the time!

AnnaMasse · 07/11/2023 16:17

Maybe believing in an actual, real, physical Father Christmas and believing in the institution are different things? One hears of children much younger than 12 who become sceptical about the first, but are afraid to rock the boat in case that leads to the end, in their family at any rate, of the second? Surely the average 12 year old is going, sooner or later, to read somewhere that there ain't no sanity clause? It says he's 'legendary' on Wikipedia, for a start, and he is often used as a figure of speech, like fairies, for something that does not really exist, but which it is useful to pretend does, or is a story for simple folk.

QuestionableMouse · 07/11/2023 16:18

Good lord, it's not hurting anyone. Let him be a child for a bit longer!

AnnaMasse · 07/11/2023 16:21

QuestionableMouse · 07/11/2023 16:18

Good lord, it's not hurting anyone. Let him be a child for a bit longer!

Personally, I think 11 is a bit old, and I can't see how outside influences can be prevented from disabusing him before too long!. But maybe there are other factors?

ScarboroughHair · 07/11/2023 16:21

I wouldn't tell him this year now, you have left it too late. Let him have this one, wait until spring and then tell him. There's a good chance he'll have figured it out by then anyway. Is he still at primary school?

Iamnotthe1 · 07/11/2023 16:23

A friend of mine explained it to her daughters by saying that she is Santa Claus... for them. She focused on the idea that Santa is an idea rather than a person and that each gift-giver at Christmas can embody that idea. The oldest loved the idea of being Santa for her younger sister.

QuestionableMouse · 07/11/2023 16:24

AnnaMasse · 07/11/2023 16:21

Personally, I think 11 is a bit old, and I can't see how outside influences can be prevented from disabusing him before too long!. But maybe there are other factors?

Edited
Show quote history

Outside influence is different from his mum telling him! Who cares if 12 is a bit old? It isn't hurting anything if he still believes!

ThreeRingCircus · 07/11/2023 16:25

Whenever you have the chat I would say:

That Father Christmas is based on a real person, St Nicholas and tell him some of the history.

That we carry on the tradition of St Nicholas by giving gifts.

That he's a very clever boy and now he's old enough he can be in on the secret.

That Father Christmas does exist because it's a feeling or behaviour rather than a person so now he's old enough he can have the magic of being "Father Christmas" for his younger siblings too.

AnnaMasse · 07/11/2023 16:25

QuestionableMouse · 07/11/2023 16:24

Outside influence is different from his mum telling him! Who cares if 12 is a bit old? It isn't hurting anything if he still believes!

Show quote history

No, absolutely, but I think he might get teased a bit at school. I see above I thought he was 12, but he's actually 11, but... same difference.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 07/11/2023 16:26

It's better his DM tells him than he gets loudly ridiculed at secondary school for making an innocent comment that shows he still believes. Which is what I presume OP is worried about.

mathanxiety · 07/11/2023 16:26

Tell him he's old enough now to be let in on a secret, and he's not to tell his younger siblings or go spreading it around school.

LaMarschallin · 07/11/2023 16:28

I'd be surprised if he still believes at 11.

I never told my parents I didn't believe and they never disabused me, we just accepted eventually that I knew.

My DDs approached DH and me when they were 7 and 8 to tell us that they knew that stocking presents and two of the presents under the tree, were from us, not Father Christmas, and they felt bad because they couldn't thank us for them.
At that time, I was still putting out a mince pie & whisky for FC and a carrot for the reindeer and making talcom powder footprints from the fireplace to the tree Blush

I suppose what I mean is that it might not be the Big Talk you're expecting; he might be pretending to believe to please you, just as my DDs were.

Original poster
Crunchymum · 07/11/2023 16:29

I'd rather be the one to break the news so to speak.

I know I have left it late this year but it's topical now and I imagine a lot of his class already know. His cousin of the same age (a few weeks apart) already knows, it's just a matter of time.

(he's just 11 so year 6, sorry should have said as that does make quite a difference)

OP posts:
DontGoJasonWaterfalls · 07/11/2023 16:30

When my daughter was 8 she asked if Santa was real. We told her that Santa wasn't a real person, but that now that she'd asked, we'd decided she was old enough to be inducted into Team Santa. Team Santa is our family's name for the tradition of Christmas - some families don't give it a name, other families have different names for it, but it all means the same thing, it's when a child is old enough to know that Santa isn't one person, it's a community of millions of people all over the world keeping the magic and traditions of Christmas alive.

We did a little "induction ceremony" - she promised to keep the magic alive for her little cousins (she's our only child) and the children at school, and we allowed her to participate in traditions like choosing wrapping paper, buying stocking presents, eating Santa's mince pie etc. Christmas has been every bit as magical since she found out - in fact, she's probably enjoyed it more because she gets to be part of creating the "magic".

AnnaMasse · 07/11/2023 16:30

@LaMarschallin

My DDs approached DH and me when they were 7 and 8 to tell us that they knew that stocking presents and two of the presents under the tree, were from us, not Father Christmas, and they felt bad because they couldn't thank us for them.

I think that's lovely.

ChannelNo19EDT · 07/11/2023 16:31

He's pulling yr leg. No child still believes at 11. He believes you want him to continue to believe. Unless he's homeschooled, he knows.

LaMarschallin · 07/11/2023 16:32

@AnnaMasse

Thank you - I thought it was nice too Smile

cornflakesandtea · 07/11/2023 16:34

DS is 11 and in y6. We've said we'll tell him in the summer next year before high school so as not to ruin this Christmas for him, but we think he already knows as your DS probably does too.
We did the same thing with DD and she was like "uhh yeah, I know!" Which makes us think that DS will too.
He's asked us "is Father Christmas real?" And we went with the "what do you think?" He was very unsure and said he thinks he is but it seemed like it was more wishing he is real than thinking he is real to be honest.

BethDuttonsTwin · 07/11/2023 16:37

We all still pretend he’s real in our house and my kids are late teens 😁

Mackeroo · 07/11/2023 16:39

Mine definitely believed at 11 and I told him to avoid teasing in secondary school. I brought Xmas up in conversation and just said it (although better ideas upthread), he was a bit disappointed but OK.

Whiterose23 · 07/11/2023 17:06

I’m not sure if my 11 year old believes, there’s definitely doubts.
She’s told me that if he’s not real I must tell her when she has her own children so that she buys them presents from Santa. Until that point she doesn’t want to know either way 😂

FusionChefGeoff · 07/11/2023 17:16

I told DS this summer before he started secondary. Focussed very much on how Santa the person isn't real, no, but the magic of Santa is very very real and he's now part of that so has to keep it going for his sister / younger cousins etc

cunningartificer · 07/11/2023 21:45

Santa's not real???Sad

ThreeRingCircus · 08/11/2023 07:34

She’s told me that if he’s not real I must tell her when she has her own children so that she buys them presents from Santa. Until that point she doesn’t want to know either way 😂

That is brilliant and so sweet 🤣