Presents for someone bereaved

[christmaspudding43]

My lovely SMIL loves to spoil us at Christmas, she likes a list from each of us in around Sept and always goes mad with what she gets. We had started to try and address a few aspects of it last year.

This year, she will either have lost her mum or be about to lose her mum at Christmas, most likely the former. Out of the blue the other day she messaged to ask for Christmas lists saying a certain time of the week was difficult and she would like a nice distraction. Under the circumstances we didn't want to start any conversations so gave some suggestions. She said she was not up to giving us any ideas for her, which is completely understandable.

She has her 50th just before christmas too. We would very much like to buy her some nice things too but are aware of the potential for gifts to be upsetting, seem pointless, trite etc. I don't think I want to get her anything grief related, and nor do I want to do socks/candles/blankets type thing. She is crafty, loves her garden (but we have bought quite a lot of garden stuff before), has some food restrictions but nothing insurmountable.

Does anyone have any experience they could share or suggestions to make? She is a lovely woman and I'd like to get this right. Or as not wrong as possible. I had wondered about books, the type of Bryson type non fiction perhaps which is easy, funny, can be put down and picked up and hopefully avoids any triggers but I don't know where to start with that.

Could you get her a flower subscription of some kind? They could be a regular source of some happiness when things are tough

Thanks, that's a good suggestion. Does anyone else have any ideas?

If she's crafty, a kit of some kind is she can make something. Doing crafts can be really good for mental health, they are meditative and give you a focus.

The mention of the flower subscription has got me thinking, how about a little set of things to bring cheer throughout the year as it sounds like it's going to be a tough one for her?

You could do little paper bags marked with the month for example and put something little in - kind of like a year long advent calendar?!

J: Some pretty fairy lights to brighten the darker days
F: A small box of 4 expensive chocolates or a nice bath oil
M: a voucher for an online flower shop to order some spring blooms
A: A little set of notelets with spring flowers on
M: A box of posh tea
J: body scrub to get skin ready for summer
J: voucher for a manicure or pedicure to get feet summer ready
A: A trashy holiday read
S: A pretty notebook
O: A winter candle
N: A coffee shop voucher to try seasonal coffee
D: A Christmas bauble

A flower subscription is the best idea so far I think - it’s perfect and thoughtful

If she likes her garden, what about a ticket to Hampton Court or another garden show (Tatton, Gardeners World etc)? She may feel more up to things by next summer. You could also give a 'save the date' card rather than the tickets so she doesn't feel under any pressure to commit. It also means you could get a refund or find someone to go with you if she doesn't want to go.

If a flower subscription appeals, I can really recommend Cornish blooms. Family run, locally grown and absolutely beautiful, generous bunches. I was sent a 3 month subscription for my winter birthday and it cheered me up no end. cornishblooms.co.uk/

Other subscriptions if a little monthly treat seems like a good idea - a favourite or new magazine, coffee subscription (Colombia coffee roasters in Oxford are fab), brownie delivery if dietary restrictions allow

A voucher for a massage might be nice if there is a good place near her?

A voucher for a massage or a facial. Nice skin stuff or shower stuff. A bottle of her favourite perfume.
My father died at Christmas and to be honest things my mum liked like the above,she didn't stop liking if you see what i mean.

Not sure where you are based but is there a craft/cookery/perfume workshop near you that you could go and do with her. In most cases a gift certificate is valid for at least twelve months and sometimes longer so she could wait until she felt ready to do it.

Agree, an outing/activity to look forward to is best. And spa pampering.

If you do get a flower subscription, make sure that they're arranged/hand tied because getting flowers after my Dad died just made me sigh that it was another thing I had to give headspace and deal with. And I love flowers.

Truthfully, I wasn't in any place for gifts and Christmas last year was really rough for me. I took no pleasure in giving or receiving. I think just acknowledging her sadness and gifting something for the future may work better?

I got my mum a subscription with teatime books. 2 books every 6 weeks, some tea and a treat like a bar of chocolate or something.
You can choose the kind of books, I just chose general fiction and there was a good mix of books

If she loves her garden a David Austin rose or a voucher for when she is ready to buy one.

https://www.davidaustinroses.co.uk/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw-pyqBhDmARIsAKd9XIOqtKH454LWcup0WZ4xquaaxNHIciKMXBq6Sjm63U7zAWY-eEUWkycaAtSqEALw_wcB

I would have hated a flower subscription as I hate seeing them wilt and die. It depends if she is a flower person or not.

I like the idea of a rose for the garden. Not quite the same but my parents bought me one as a housewarming gift and it brings me great pleasure to see it flower now they have gone.

If she likes craft, maybe a kit for something she hasn't tried before? Needle felting is kind of therapeutic with all the stabbing!

I've lost both my parents over the last few years and I'm not sure there is a right type of gift in these circumstances. I think you just have to go with the sort of things you'd normally buy rather than worry about whether she'd think them pointless/trite. There is a certain comfort in having things go on as normal I think.

What about a bird table and some feeders for the garden

some solar powered lights for the garden to brighten the dark winter nights?

a bit of of a craft project that she can pick up and put down? Our local craft shop sells kits to make (knit or crochet) lovely blankets in a variety of designs with all the bits that are necessary.

Thanks all, the ideas and posts are much appreciated!

Take her to the theatre?

We're not geographically close enough for theatre to be easy. Not impossible but would just require some planning.

Thanks all for taking the time to suggest things. And I think @SoupDragon's and @SkyFullofStars1975's point that there's not going to be a perfect gift for these circumstances had really helped me stop and think. As much as there are still going to be things that really wouldn't be right under the circumstances, there equally isn't going to be something that is just right.

How about a small tree/ shrub, maybe something with a connection to her mum or flowers in the winter?

yes this, is there a plant or flower that bears her mums name

I lost a loved one a few years ago in December and found being outside in the garden therapeutic - a good Gilet would keep her warm but still able to move around.