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Original poster

Polite way to say No...

17 replies

BaconAndAvocado · 23/10/2023 19:59

Last year I hosted Boxing Day for 14 family members at our house.

I've never had that many people before and I was cleaning, painting, etc for a couple of weeks before the event and gave myself a migraine from the build up.

I really don't want to do this again but I've got a feeling my in-laws would like it here.

We have a biggish house and we all did have a good time last year but...it's someone else's turn.

I'm not great at expressing my feelings without sounding brusque!

How do I refuse without sounding unkind?

Tia

OP posts:
BIWI · 23/10/2023 20:01

Take the initiative and ask who's going to host Christmas this year.

... and if they say they wanted you to do it, just say no - it was such a lot of work last year that you don't want to do it again!

Justmuddlingalong · 23/10/2023 20:02

Tell them your plans before they tell you theirs.
"We're just having a quiet chilled christmas this year, after the bigger occasion we had last year."

MargotBamborough · 23/10/2023 20:04

What do you actually want to do?

Do you want someone else to host you, or do you want to stay at home and not host anyone?

Reddog1 · 23/10/2023 20:04

Don’t ask them in the first place.

But have an answer ready for the potential query, “Are we coming to yours again on Boxing Day?”

The answer could go along the lines of, “Nah, we’re having a quiet one this year but we’ll be in [name of pub] for a couple of hours at lunch time if anyone fancies joining us”.

Be very arms-length and they’ll get the message.

rwc2023 · 23/10/2023 20:04

Are you hoping / planning on spending time with these 14 folk over Christmas, just somewhere else?
Or wanting to avoid them?

make other plans - be going somewhere else, staying with others or going on holiday. Or just be honest - we had a great time eventually last year, would love to see you all again but I can’t / not able to host 14 folk myself. Don’t offer anything you’re not prepared for e.g. they can all come to your big house but someone else does the catering.

Ibravedaflood · 23/10/2023 20:05

If they ask just laugh it off and say last year was your turn..

LindorDoubleChoc · 23/10/2023 20:06

Maybe your inlaws don't want a repeat of last year? Wait until someone asks and then your partner delivers a a breezy "we're doing something different this year!"

A non-issue.

ilovelamp82 · 23/10/2023 20:07

I would get in there first and ask who is having their turn this year. If they say you, just say you can't do 2 years in a row, it was a lot of effort.

fourelementary · 23/10/2023 20:07

To be fair it sounds like you were excessive. You didn’t NEED to paint?!?
of you enjoyed the company and the fun times, why not prepare a list and split it fairly- auntie and uncle bring £30 worth of drinks, cousins bring £30 of starters, Jim and Joan bring £30 of desserts and so on… you do mains

Rainbowshine · 23/10/2023 20:11

“Shall we all come to yours for Boxing Day Bacon?”

”Oh no not after last year, I spent a lot of Christmas getting prepared and clearing up for it. Let’s all go somewhere to eat instead”

OR

”No we’ve decided not to host again”

OR

”We won’t be hosting so you need to make alternative arrangements”

or variations of any of those.

mambojambodothetango · 23/10/2023 20:13

Fair enough if you don't want guests. But if you're worried about the amount of preparation last time, you definitely don't need to go overboard. Family should take you as you are. Ask people to bring different things to contribute. There's a fair bit you can prep in advance. Only clean the parts of the house they'll see. Get the rest of your household to help. Etc. But if you just don't want them there then say so.

Daffyyellow · 23/10/2023 20:16

I think you had your answer in your original post, “Oh no, we did it last year it’s someone else’s turn this year!”

Original poster
BaconAndAvocado · 23/10/2023 20:18

I'm not trying to avoid them, they're ok 😂 it's just all the work.

I will reread the thread and decide how to proceed!

Thanks all 💐

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 23/10/2023 20:19

PPs are right, the answer depends on how do you want to spend Christmas and actually whom do you mean by in laws and who are these 14 people. if by in laws you mean 85 y.o parents - it’s one thing, if it’s your DH’s siblings - it’s another. Do you mean that all 14 people want to come again? Do you want to celebrate with them anyway?

Original poster
BaconAndAvocado · 23/10/2023 20:20

Daffyyellow · 23/10/2023 20:16

I think you had your answer in your original post, “Oh no, we did it last year it’s someone else’s turn this year!”

Haha that's very true!

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 23/10/2023 23:37

"Someone else's turn. It was lovely but too much to host every year" is the answer I'd give.

Saying you want a quiet one or you'll be in the pub sounds like you want to avoid the family completely and not turn up if someone else is considering picking up the torch.

Original poster
BaconAndAvocado · 24/10/2023 09:48

Sugarfree23
That's brilliant!
Thank you 🙏🏼

OP posts:
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