Is it impolite to spend less on sibling's new partner than on parents?

[ravenia]

Backstory: I LOVE Christmas and gift giving (and I do sometimes go overboard). My brother... less so, but over the past few years, he has begun buying small, thoughtful gifts (he asks for lists/ideas).

This year, I'm back living with my parents (have gone back to uni to do my PhD full time, working very part time, so budget is less than previous years), aaanndd my brother has moved to another country with his new partner (been with her less than a year), but they will be joining us for Christmas.

I really want to spoil my family as best I can this year, but I barely know his partner. If I manage present buying so that everyone, including her, has the same amount of gifts to open, but spend a bit less on hers and, if necessary, on my brother's, is that rude?

Sorry, this is the first time either my brother or I have had a partner serious enough to join us for Christmas, and I'm really not good with social cues and stuff!

I wouldn't bother buying her anything. Money is tight for you at the moment so you should save your money. Maybe a little gift for your parents but nobody else. I only bought presents for my parents when I was at uni.

I would make sure to spend the same as on your brother, makes total sense to me to spend more on parents, particularly if you are living with them!

Oh just so I don't drip feed: she is Japanese, and they are living in Japan (where her family - parents and siblings - are). So I'm very worried about causing offence as it is!

Just give her a token gift! Don't worry about offending her - she's visiting YOUR country so you do things your way, and as she is there for Christmas that means giving her a gift, but it doesn't have to be an expensive one. Or give her and your brother a joint gift - problem solved!

It’s fine to give less; I always gave my bil a token gift in the first few years

I would just be getting her a small token gift so that she's not left out but now anywhere near as much as I doubt my immediate family?

Actually if your parents are housing you I would take them out for meals and buy flowers etc regularly . Especially Christmas . They’re saving you thousands

I'd just give her a token gift. I'm sure she’ll be pleasantly surprised by getting anything given you've never met before. I'm sure she wouldn't expect you to spend the same on her as your brother or other family members.

Just buy her and your brother one present each. There's just no need to buy more than that. Your money is for you - try to get interesting in saving rather than spending.

I think that’s fine to buy a smaller gift. A thoughtful, lower price gift is usually more appreciated than a more expensive, random gift.

Token gift for both of them - they’re flying back to Japan I imagine, so aren’t going to be thrilled with extra stuff to fit in suitcases? They’re coming back to see family, not for presents…

Yes it's fine and it doesn't need to be the same number of gifts. I always buy my parents 4 or 5 things each and siblings and their partners and children 1 each. Also fine to ask your brother for a suggestion if you barely know her.

No it's all small stuff - e.g. replacement headphones/keyring/consumables.

Thank you all - my concern was that it's obviously "less expensive" than my parents'. But from the responses, it seems like that's ok considering that I've met her maybe 3 times before they moved away, and how much my parents do for me

Of course it’s not rude. A box of chocs is fine.

Not at all. I always spend less on my BILs than on my sisters. Though I sometimes buy a joint present instead. In which case it is often bought more with my sisters in mind!

Just to add, the Japanese are a gift-giving society (mainly small token things) and while that's not to say she will expect something from you, she is likely to bring something (probably for your parents who are hosting) but she may well bring something for you too.

Christmas isn't celebrated in the same way in Japan with big presents etc. so the value isn't important here but I would definitely get her something small and nicely-wrapped and ideally something 'typically British'. I know you're on a budget but something like a small box of Whittards/Fortnum's tea and a nice tin of biscuits would be a nice gift.

https://www.fortnumandmason.com/royal-blend-pocket-tin-5-whole-leaf-silky-tea-bags

https://www.fortnumandmason.com/fortnums-christmas-orange-dark-chocolate-biscuits-125g

https://www.whittard.co.uk/gifts-and-confectionary/gift-type/biscuits/earl-grey-all-butter-biscuits-356535.html

I'd give her a token gift but think something beautifully presented and wrapped as this is big in Japan rather than value. Also think about them transporting gift(s) back, keep it small. I would perhaps choose something English eg I had a liberty pocket sized mirror in a bag, wasn't expensive

Definitely not rude and she wouldn't expect you to spend the same as on your parents.
How long are they staying after Christmas? If a few days you could buy consumables, checking out with your brother what she likes first - maybe a selection of traditional English sweets and chocolates? Add in a small bottle of Prosecco if she drinks

I suggest mentioning this to your brother so they know you're buying a gift. The first Boxing Day I spent with Dh's family (then a new boyfriend), he'd said they weren't buying me anything so I didn't buy them anything, then it turned out they all had bought things. Then the next year I bought presents for everyone and they didn't buy for me, and MIL snuck off and wrapped up a photo of DH in a frame for me which was blatantly just taken off the mantelpiece as I had seen it there earlier 😂

You certainly don’t need to spend the same amount as you would on your parents, or buy the same amount of gifts. Something small and thoughtful is fine for a sibling’s partner.

The polite thing to do is to give her a token gift eg a scarf, and make her very very welcome.
In 3 years time, if she's your SIL, you can do equal gifts for them.

Of course it is not rude.