Christmas on our own (myself and teenage DD’s) as DH deployed, ideas to keep it special

[Andontothenextproblem]

As in title, DH will be away for Christmas this year, definitely not moaning as we have been lucky over the years and he has only missed one before but how can I keep special for us all.

We aren’t close in distance to family and tbh I haven’t encouraged any visitors as entertaining is hard work on your own and I’m not sure how the girls and I will feel, not having guests gives us the the option of staying in our Christmas PJ’s or eating Christmas dinner on Boxing Day if we want to…

Do I carry on the same traditions as every other year or do we just accept that this year will feel different and try something new.

Dd’s (3 of them) are all teenagers but still all into the magic and fun that comes with believing, stockings on ponies stable doors, Christmas Eve PJ’s, checking if he’s been in the morning, Elf antics etc, we also have had some other traditions that have evolved over the years as they have got older and the eldest two will definitely have a glass of two of bubbles.

What else can I do to keep it fun and spirits high, does anyone have nice traditions that they have started as their family for older that we can adapt in, any advice for the juggle of everything without spending the day stressed about not having two much fun (especially when we have to factor in two stable runs for horses)

And how do I keep my morale high when I’m going to be missing my lovely husband especially as he is always a huge part of our day.

I wouldn't try to start any new traditions, it'll be hard enough without your husband being there and missing these 'new things', just enjoy your day as much as you can with your lovely girls!
Eat the food that you want, watch what you want, play board games or go for a walk or hack.

The one Christmas I've had when my husband was deployed (and before children) was a bittersweet day (it was one of the Herricks, it was a tour that had an enormous amount of enemy contact and one of the worst tours for injury and fatalities)
He did manage to call on Christmas Day itself, but he'd had a bad day on MERT and OP Minimize came on just a few minutes into the call.

Surround yourself with love and don't put any pressure on yourself to perform.

I would try to do the things you normally do, like stockings etc and just have a chilled day, eating lots of lovely food and watching films together. Accept that you might all feel a bit sad at times

How long is he going for a roughly when? Is he away long enough to be getting R&R? When I deployed over Xmas ((one of the early HERRICKs), my family did a small Xmas but saved a proper Xmas day for my R&R. Recorded the queens speech, went to the pub in Christmas jumpers etc. that was in late Feb and we had a fab time. There was very little phone/internet where I was so I didn’t manage to speak to them but if your DH is going somewhere permissive (or if he’s in the RAF…) you can hopefully send him some bits to open on FaceTime? Or have a sing song. Whatever you do for Xmas that gets you all in the spirit!

Agree with no new traditions except maybe the whole laying a place for him or FaceTiming him whilst opening a gift etc.

Buy an instant camera as a family gift and make dh a festive album for when he gets home.

Stick with what your use to.

You could buy a giant elf from homebargins, put a mask with DHs face on it and include it in the festive activities, take lots of pictures and videos pretending it’s Dad.

Thanks everyone for being so lovely…

He is in the RN and in a role where we will unfortunately have no contact but I think in a weird way that might actually make it easier.

I just want my girls to have the day they always do and it’s making me sad that it might not be the case this year.

LOVED the giant Elf idea, I think they would like that.

I agree. No new traditions without dad there to enjoy them too.

But keep busy. Watch christmas films, do Christmas baking, go to Christmas light switch on etc

Ask the kids ?
thry will either want it totally same or totally different and you’ll not be able to predict !

Do what you always do minus DH. You can still have a lovely day with your girls.

Whilst I completely understand you will all miss your dh whilst he's away especially on Christmas day, it does feel like you are being rather oddly dramatic about it.
You have family traditions that your 3 dds enjoy so you don't need to change or adopt any new ones.
If you think it would help, find ways to 'include' dh as pps have suggested.

I'd be tempted to do things like making a replica dad (like a scarecrow - stuffed clothes etc.) , So you can ' give' him presents and wear a paper crown at the dinner table etc.
But as you seem very emotional about it all I'm worried you might find that upsetting?

@CorylusAgain what a bizarre post.

My DH, DD’s DF, will have been away 4 months with another 3 to go by Christmas Day and no contact at all in all that time.

We live 500 miles away from family due to living in service accommodation (and yes I know I have said I have turned down people staying over Christmas but thats not to say if we lived amongst them we wouldn’t visit or be visited over the festive period.)

You’re right to think I feel quite emotional about DH not being there, doing the Christmas juggle myself and thinking about what I can to ensure my children still have a lovely Christmas….

but thanks for your take.

@Andontothenextproblem For what it’s worth I don’t think you’re being ‘oddly dramatic’ about it all. Of course it’s difficult for you and your kids to have your husband away for so long with very limited contact. I think anyone would find it hard, especially on special occasions where he’d normally be a big part of the day.

I’d agree with some of PPs that it might be best to ask your daughters what they’d like to do this year and go from there. Only you will know if doing everything the same will feel comforting and familiar or just emphasize the fact he’s not there.

If you do decide to do things differently then I wouldn’t frame it as introducing new traditions but just that you’re doing things slightly differently for one year (this might be especially helpful at times when DH’s absence might be felt most acutely e.g. going out for lunch rather than doing it at home etc).
I also love the idea of doing Christmas with all your traditions with him whenever he comes home (even if that means wearing Christmas jumpers to the pub in March).

In terms of fun things that our family do around Christmas that you can steal/adapt we often go down to the local seafront for a walk followed by fish and chips on Boxing Day. I also look in the local paper to see if there are any events on Christmas Eve (a church near us always does a Christmas Eve carol service with hot chocolate and mince pies). On Christmas Day we prefer active stuff like going for a walk (it sounds like you have ponies/horses so a Christmas ride might be fun). We also did a gingerbread house decorating competition one year when my brothers were teenagers which got surprisingly competitive!

I hope you and your family have a lovely day and manage to enjoy it as much as you can.

My DH, DD’s DF, will have been away 4 months with another 3 to go by Christmas Day and no contact at all in all that time

My DH has worked a few Christmas Days but we've always done what we usually do.

We've always got to see him at some point on Christmas Day though so I can't imagine how you're feeling.

I do love the giant elf idea though

I think adding something a bit different might help fill the gaps and keep everyone's mind occupied.

Either in the lead-up or on the day. Carol singing? Walk/drive to see other house's decorations? Any community events or markets?

Some sort of craft project or DIY decorating over the course of the holiday break? "Oh yes that was the Christmas we painted our bedrooms/made baubles for the tree/tie-dyed our own T-shirts/etc"

How about a bake-off; the four of you each make a treat on Christmas Eve and crown a winner; it's a fun activity and can freeze some for Dad. Spend time ahead researching what each wants to make.

Could you have a small party for friends or neighbours on Boxing Day? Or New Years Eve/Day? The planning and execution might be a good distraction.

Read aloud the Christmas parts from Little Women, where they missed Dad and performed a little play they'd written? Or watch the 1990s version with Winona Ryder.

A Christmas film fest, again planned in advance, with a mix of classic & contemporary plus popcorn?

Any option to go away to Disney Paris or summer sun? That's what we are doing, ex military but kids now teens, this was their request....

Have you asked the DDs what they would love to see or do at Christmas this year? And get lots detail -- for Xmas Eve, the day itself and boxing day too if possible.

EG, from going out for a nice Christmas day meal or even going away for a day or so to other outings/expeditions (cinema, sports, games) or just having a quiet time and generally ignoring the whole shebang?
Doing something just once doesn't make it a new Christmas tradition!
Of course, they might like to keep it as 'normal' as possible but if that thought is too much for you they are surely of an age now to help with all the prep? They might even enjoy it.
Make it as easy for you and your girls as you can -- I hope you can work out something nice that everyone is happy with.

Please do not make a scarecrow of your DH.

We had holidays when Dad had to be away, and while different, it doesn't have to be sad or melancholy. Certainly not a reason to hunker down and ignore Christmas.

This is part of growing and learning resilience, for everyone. Making the best of it with some humour is healthy.

If you know the date of your husband's return, find a date for a delayed celebration as something to look forward at. Christmas in April or a big Easter holiday or May Day or whatever.

If you think it would help, find ways to 'include' dh as pps have suggested.
I'd be tempted to do things like making a replica dad (like a scarecrow - stuffed clothes etc.) , So you can ' give' him presents and wear a paper crown at the dinner table etc.

PMSL at this truly mad suggestion.

OP, I think your Christmas sounds lovely. If you are lucky enough to have ponies at home how about a Christmassy ride with Santa silks on your hats? (I used to put my gloves on my pony's ears to make her look like a reindeer but she was very patient 😁)

A treasure hunt with clues?

New board game?

Will you be able to Skype with your husband on the day? If not, could you and your DC make him a little Christmassy video ahead to watch on the day and get him to make one for them?

We just cracked on and had second Christmas when he was back using the bargain sale bits. It was actually quite nice although I was quite worn out by then. I'd definitely recommend getting an extra pair of hands around as it can be quite tiring otherwise and a stressful Christmas is not a fun one. Also send him with a present and a stocking if you can so you know he has something from you on the day. My kids used to live sending a bfpo package every week or so, suppose you can't do that?

Do you all have horses? If the weather is even half decent I think a special Christmas Day ride - is there a pub you can ride to that’ll do a mince pie/mulled wine? Tinsel on the bridles, sparkly lights etc. make it fun (obviously depends on the type of ponies you have… a vets bill because they ate the tinsel isn’t very festive)
you’ll likely see lots of people walking and make them smile

Thanks for all DH’s lovely suggestions, they really made me smile and don’t worry I won’t be making a DH scarecrow!! 😅

We do a lot of festive things with the ponies during December, lots of tinsel and Christmas jumpers involved but on Christmas Day, other than seeing if Santa has filled their stockings on stable door, (and a quick skip out, bucket, water refill X2) I try to keep contact minimum as eldest DD isn’t horsey and would rather wake to a sack of coal than a Christmas walk with the 4 legged children! 😅

The girls are still all about magic and surprise and I guess that’s why I have felt that I need to be the one making the decision on how the day will go but I guess you’re right and maybe I should involve them some more.

We have made the decision to go for a walk across the moor to the village Chinese restaurant rather than our usual takeaway on Christmas Eve this year and after unlocking one of my own childhood memories recently of walking back from a midnight Christinge service and trying to keep the candle in the orange lit the whole way home, though I would give them the same/similar task and if they manage they get it open the 1 (small) gift of Christmas, felt if was a small enough tweek to our usual Xmas Eve but might give them a giggle and hopefully something nice to remember.

What ages are your daughters, OP?

Many years ago when my siblings and I were young my dad had to work away over Christmas. He was the biggest child at Christmas. He made tapes ( that's showing our age) that mum played for us. One on Christmas Eve morning telling us what we had to do that day to get ready for Christmas. Next one on Christmas Eve when we were ready for bed, he read Th the night before Christmas. Christmas mornings one told us thahe was talking to Santa and he knew that we would love our presents. Last one Christmas night he read us a Christmas bedtime story. It was lovely and kept him close. I know that you and your girls will miss your DH. My mum kept all the usual traditions and it helped. Could your DH leave prerecorded messages for each of the girls. You are never too old for a bedtime story.

I highly suggest going out on Christmas Eve for dinner and mocktails (well you can have the real McCoy) - my DD's loved it as young teens especially with just me when now exh was away. A bit more grown up... I'd also come up with a plan and you share cooking and cleaning up, be a team, I think it brings you together - and if he gets time to video chat all the better.

Thankfully my dd isn't going to be deployed this Christmas (unless things go extremely pear shaped alas) but I know this will be our reality and she's already tapped me for residential childcare, two parents in the forces!