Feeling pressure yet again at Christmas with family

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Anyone else find Christmas pressurising in terms of trying to make parents happy in terms of seeing both sets?
Married for a few years now and Christmas always feels so difficult and pressurising. Both sets of parents live 3+ hours away and always wanting us to spend time with them ( they don't get on with each other so altogether is a definite no). It would be so much easier if we could jus pop to one for half a day and then the other and I feel jealously on both parts when were at the others. We have decided its just easier to spend christams on our own as a family then avoid the whole alternate year which I dont like the idea of.

Anyone else feel like this?

Why don’t you like the alternate years idea?

In your position, I’d be inclined to get cross with both sides because they are ruining your Christmases with their pettiness. Tell them you’re staying at home for Christmas and they’ve only got themselves to blame. Then visit one before and one after. IF they promise to behave.

I live my life how it suits me tbh so I rarely if ever allow anyone to guilt me into plans I have no interest in.
You aren't a child op, you choose what you do and how you do it.

I have to agree with pp. I got so fed up with being pulled in every direction and then realising I hadnt actually enjoyed Christmas at all! So I put a stop to it. Christmas is now about my immediate family, so me, DH and kids. I see both sets of parents between Christmas and New year but 100% NOT on Christmas day, or boxing day so the kids can kick back fully in their pjs for at least 2 days, go bat sh!t if they want, eat what they want (they're 6, 3 and 1) with no judgement, no travelling and no timescales. Best decision we've made. I'm so much more relaxed and so as a result, is everyone else. The visits with parents are exactly the same mind (a bit catty and judgy) but I don't feel I've wasted the big days by getting all worked up about it. And i ignore feelings of guilt tbh as I know I'm putting myself and my kids first.

Just do what you want to do op, honestly

it’s so much faff over one day. i invited my parents round for christmas morning last year to make up for not going to christmas dinner (as had just had surgery and didn’t want to leave house) and was told i’d have to invite grandparents too unless i wanted to hurt them which was way too many people at my house at 7am (was to watch dd open presents), and still can’t win as siblings have apparently been quietly holding a grudge that they weren’t invited despite showing zero interest in my child every other day of the year. such a pain in the arse just do what makes you happy there’s no point trying to people please

We have my dad and sister (who are both alone) over for Xmas day and then visit inlaws for Boxing Day but they are all less than an hour away. I'm a firm believer in Xmas day at home once you have kids

Just say no! We never spent Xmas with parents, and were always clear about it. Either stay at home on your own.or book yourselves a lovely holiday.
This is down to you - be more assertive.

You’ll probably find very quickly that doing your own thing and ditching the politics is the best thing you’ve ever done.

our politics isn’t that bad, just inevitable and anticlimactic, but we’re going abroad this year and I CANT WAIT

When I had a half decent relationship with dm we had Christmas Wednesday.. Whichever Wednesday near Xmas that was convenient for us both. She had a tree and a buffet lunch put on. To her credit she astounded us with her efforts! Never saw her as an adult on actual Christmas day .. She was more than happy. No need to pander to the grown ups at this time ime. Put your dc first and stay home.. My dc have never crossed the doors at Xmas!

We stay home, I refuse to drag my DDs anywhere Christmas Day. I’d not go anywhere Boxing Day if it wasn’t that it’s the only time we get to see an elderly relative we don’t normally get a chance to spend time with.

Our parents live 3 hours away, in opposite directions. We are the only ones with young children. This year we are staying at home for the first time to enjoy a low key Christmas with our children. We don’t have space (or the desire) to host, but will invite each set of parents over during the xmas period.

Do what works for you!

As soon as I had my children, we stopped travelling to anyone else. If family wanted to see us, they were welcome to visit my home and we were very accommodating.

You know, you can just say no, right?

You are my inspiration! I love this! Sounds bliss ❤️

Just stop trying to please everyone and have Christmas at home with your husband and children. And don't have any truck with the 'not getting on' nonsense. They can come to yours and behave or stop at home. On their own!
I have a very complicated family and that's what I say to them. Play nice or stay away.

Just be assertive, we never got into any sort of 'routine' at Christmas..
sometimes we hosted, sometimes we went to ILs, sometimes my family, we have stayed home alone, we have volunteered, we have been on holiday abroad. No one has ever been offended. Anything to avoid a 'routine'.

And as parents to any only DC (a DS!) I am determined to avoid any expectations in the future as to how or where he spends his Christmas. We know already that he will be the other side of the world this Christmas .

Yeah, it's not great. I'm a bit older so the stress now is trying to see both my mother in her nursing home, my mother-in-law in her nursing home, while making sure my FIL has a visit on or about Christmas Day (he has 2 other children, both of whom go to their partners' parents every Christmas). Plus I am now in a job that needs bank holiday and Saturday cover - I'm working Boxing Day this year. Plus I'd like to spend some time with ds and also with dp.

There is definitely a strong argument that you cannot please everybody so please yourself; that might include prioritising the duties you feel most strongly about. Your children deserve a lovely Christmas.

We have a similar set up in that both mine and DH's families both live 2-3 hours away. In the past we've seen both sets over the Christmas season and it's nice but exhausting for us by the end. We've now started spending Christmas Day at home with our DC, then go to one set for a night, have a recovery day and then go to the other for a night. It's not ideal and still tiring, but not sure what else we can do!

Thank you everyone for your messages and you are absolutely right - I just need to be more assertive and think about my own family rather than pleasing everyone else all the time. We have decided we will spend a couple of days before christmas seeing one set of parents and the other set just before new year so we have the few days of christmas just us!!!!

We alternate and it works well. It's completely 100% fair and no one can complain. Alternatively you could see one family for Christmas and one family for New Year? Or if you want Christmas day alone have the day to yourself and see families before and after.
Obviously you don't have to see anyone but I do think it's a nice time to spend with extended family and it means a lot to most people.
I think there's too much pressure on one single day and people need to remember there are twelve days of Christmas! I feel that as long as families get quality time together over the festive period then that's good. Focusing everything on Christmas day and trying to please everyone, just doesn't work.

Thank you for your message, that's really helpful. I think in the past weve spent so much time travelling to and from weve left no time for ourselves and we are busy working parents. I like how you have said there re 12 days of Christmas and we would absolutely ensure we see both families during that time but I now know its important to leave time for just us.

Honestly I think this is down to you, op. Of course your families want to spend Christmas with you- that’s probably unavoidable. I think you need to decide what you want to do and just tell people and tell them they’re welcome to join you (if they are).

It’s not clear from your post whether they’re actually doing anything unfair. If they’re trying to make you feel bad then sure, they shouldn’t do that. But if it’s just that you feel guilty about not being able to be in two places at once, that’s on you.

ChickenPicken · Yesterday 13:18

Why don’t you like the alternate years idea?

Why should see? We see family a week or so before Christmas for a day or too, have done since first child was born. Spend Christmas/Boxing day just us and our kids. Our eldest did the same last year with their little one.

Do what you want to, OP.

As a mum of DDs in their early 20s, they are at the age when they'll be doing other things at Christmas instead of at the family home. They both have partners this year and I have made it very clear that they need to do what is best for them. I'd hate for them to feel torn like you do OP, it's very selfish.

I'd obv love us all to be together as usual but things change. I've said to DH if there comes a time when it's just the two of us one year, we'll go away on holiday.

I was the first commenter, I thought might give helpful information for the best solution. I don’t care what she does 🤷🏻‍♀️