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Christmas

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Original poster

Where to go for Xmas? feels impossible!

21 replies

MrsTopaz · 08/10/2023 19:36

Will try to keep this short.

My family are very close, we message regularly.

DH struggles to get on with my dsis, dmum, Dstepdad. He finds them dramatic and too much. His family are very reserved. Around my family he absents himself as much as possible, keeps his opinions to himself, but can be short with them due to frustration. He’s very different around them. He would like it to be just me, him and dc’s at Xmas.

My Dsis is on her own, no children so always to come to us for Xmas-I can’t see her on her own. DH can be frosty with her. Dmum and Stepdad would love to be involved more and see dc on xmas day but I find having them all together is so stressful. We live too far apart to make it just for a short time so has to be overnight.

I’m in the middle, trying to make peace and hoping everyone can get along.

Conversations have started again about what to do at Xmas, who is hosting. What ever I chose someone will be unhappy.

Last year we were all together for xmas and it was awful as DH clearly so unhappy…
My family all push for us all to be together, so they are all looking to me to make a decision.

What do I do? I love all these people but I can’t please them all and it makes me absolutely dread Xmas.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 08/10/2023 19:38

you did all your family last year, this year just do you dh and your kids. Only fair. Your sister can go to your parents, or have your parents to her

ZenNudist · 08/10/2023 19:40

Tinkerbyebye · 08/10/2023 19:38

you did all your family last year, this year just do you dh and your kids. Only fair. Your sister can go to your parents, or have your parents to her

First reply nails it. A year off your family is in order.

MrsKwazi · 08/10/2023 19:41

Children should get priority at Christmas, so stay at home and make it all about them.
Boxing day is for extended family so you go see them
with or without husband/kids.

Could you ask your sister to tone it down a bit? What does the drama usually centre around?

ShowOfHands · 08/10/2023 19:48

What do you actually want to do?

Zippedydoodahday · 08/10/2023 19:50

Could you all go away for Christmas? Neutral territory and plenty of room to get away from one another if you booked into a hotel

Philoso · 08/10/2023 19:50

I would respond and say 'we have decided just to do something with the children and DH this year we might take a small trip we aren't sure yet' this will hopefully be clear enough and if they think you might head away then make their own plans.

Original poster
MrsTopaz · 08/10/2023 20:01

Dsis really prefers to come to us, her relationship with dmum is ok but can be strained. She has no where else to go so I feel I can’t leave her out. But as soon as she arrives DH shuts down.

OP posts:
Beachywave · 08/10/2023 20:03

Yep agree with PP - do every other year and see family another day near to Christmas with kids but without DH.

You could do a meal and a panto with your DC and parents/sister a few days before or see them Boxing Day.

mynameiscalypso · 08/10/2023 20:04

If your DH has his own family still, why don't you see them this year? We alternate. Seems only fair.

caringcarer · 08/10/2023 20:06

I'd say Xmas is just going to be you, DH and your DC this year but invite your DSister to visit on Boxing Day, visit your Dparents in between Xmas Day and New Years Day. Tell DH and get him if you have Xmas day just you can he be tolerant on other days with your family.

XiCi · 08/10/2023 20:17

Tbh your DH sounds like a nightmare and I don't think I could tolerate my DH not being able to be sociable with my family for 1 day. Being off with your sister when you've invited her and she has nowhere else to go is just not on. If you were being honest with yourself how would you like to spend the day?

WildFlowerBees · 08/10/2023 20:26

Dh and your dc are your immediate family, I wouldn't discount their wants. Perhaps this year you spend it with them. You could see the rest of your family before or after but you might enjoy a day with just your dh and your dc?

DawsonWins · 08/10/2023 20:33

Tinkerbyebye · 08/10/2023 19:38

you did all your family last year, this year just do you dh and your kids. Only fair. Your sister can go to your parents, or have your parents to her

⬆️⬆️⬆️ That!!

You take turns.

When is your DH having the opportunity to have Christmas with his family?

DawsonWins · 08/10/2023 20:35

Btw the fact your dsis is single and doesn’t get on that well with your mum is not your cross to bear. It’s not up to you to ensure she has a nice Christmas etc…. Not your role there.

Bit your mum and step dad as well as your dsister will need to learn to organise Christmas Wo you.

DisforDarkChocolate · 08/10/2023 20:39

I feel for your sister but she doesn't get to spend Christmas with you every year, that's just not fair.

If your husband finds guests difficult (I do to) then when you have family at Christmas it needs to be less full on. Can they stay nearby, only come for a long lunch, go to them the next day?

I'm an introvert and extroverts drive me insane, they just don't get how difficult being with people can be, especially rude people.

Original poster
MrsTopaz · 08/10/2023 20:39

Thank you all, lots of ideas here to consider, thank you

OP posts:
cptartapp · 08/10/2023 20:56

Dsis needs to sort herself out. I can't believe she is always happy to come to you. Can't she read the room?
Your DH and DC take priority.

XiCi · 08/10/2023 21:18

I'm an introvert and extroverts drive me insane
I was just thinking the exact opposite 😅

cheddercherry · 09/10/2023 09:37

It’s only fair to alternate. From your DH’s perspective it sounds like you’re prepared for him to never have a Christmas that he feels comfortable in his own home rather than your sister spend a single Xmas alone. It’s not your responsibility she won’t go to your mum’s or just make her own plans for one Christmas .

I’d let him at least have one, it’s going to have a knock on effect on your kids that all they’ll see is dad is upset/awkward/ short tempered at Xmas and that’s not fair on anyone just because you can’t gently tell your family no once.

whimsical1975 · 09/10/2023 09:55

@XiCi I feel the same as you! It’s just really bad manners to have a guest(s) in your home that are ignored, it’s also really not ideal for DC to witness.

I do, however, think that DH should also be able to enjoy his Christmas Day with his DC. OP, why don’t you make Christmas Day with your family either just before or just after the 25th? You can do everything the same and grandparents/aunt can save their gift giving for then. You can even put one or two of your DC gifts aside if your family enjoy watching them open gifts. We’ve done that many times and it’s great because they aren’t so overwhelmed and the excitement is extended. If you do decide to see celebrate with your family on a different day then I honestly think it’s important for you to explain to DH that he needs to act like an adult and not a petulant teenager. It’s not a good example for him to be setting for his DC and quite frankly if my family were treated this way I’d be genuinely hurt. He needs to consider the affect his need has on everyone.

ChristmasIsComing2023 · 09/10/2023 10:18

Christmas should really be about what is best for your kids, yourself and your husband. My dp says he has to see his mum on Christmas for it to be Christmas so we went to my parents for breakfast and his parents for Christmas dinner and the afternoon on our baby’s first Christmas and I wouldn’t do that again as everyone was so tired when we got back home that there wasn’t really much time for us and our own Christmas. Last year we visited both of our parents in the morning and were home for the rest of the day and it was much nicer for us to all just relax, open our presents and be together so I’m hoping that that’s the way things will continue as everyone gets what they want. I get our together time, dp gets to see his mum, our parents get to see us and ds and ds gets time to play with his presents 💝

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