How to stop buying the adults

[Smashepotato]

This worked successfully with a friend a few years ago as we agreed it was a waste of money and would go for a coffee catch up instead.

However I have another friend who refuses to end the pointless buying. Not to sound ungrateful but the gifts I get are over the top spending "for the sake of it" things I don't really need or want, said friend themselves is also extremely difficult to buy for. They have 2 kids who I buy for which I don't begrudge but it's the additional cost for the adult.

Is it too rude to say listen I am not doing a gift for you this year, just the kids. (I don't have kids myself) and if they do still get me something then they won't get in return. I have tried this before and they make out like it's some big deal. Help please!

You've got the COL crisis on your side - I'd just go for it. Say you can't afford to buy for adults anymore, but you still want to buy for kids. Say you don't expect anything back, so that side of things so completely up to them.

You've also got timing on your side, as it's early enough in the year for them to buy accordingly if they choose to.

If it’s a group eg a friendship group you could suggest secret Santa so you only buy one. That’s what I do with my siblings. More difficult if it’s a 1:1 though.

It's not rude to say no to gifts and I agree that CoL is a good excuse. Do you exchange gifts on each other's birthdays? Might be awkward if you recently received but hers is coming up.

@BoohooWoohoo yes they are a December birthday! Which makes it extra difficult to think of two gifts. And if I dare mention one really good gift instead of two "half decent".... (I do get this thought for people in December, but can see the thought in one really great gift - especially as an adult!)

Say it soon.

Nope it’s not rude at all.
Although it’s nice to exchange gifts it’s not really necessary, especially when all you are doing is spending £15 or whatever on something neither of you really want. Just keep the £15.

With my group of friends we agreed no gifts for Christmas or birthdays.

It’s not rude at all. Just tell them you don’t want to spend money on adult presents anymore when you know your friends can buy whatever they want. Don’t make it a COl thing if it isn’t. I stopped lots of presents for adults and children years ago because I simply don’t like the waste and didn’t want my children to get lots and lots of stuff they didn’t need.

Just use the CoL crisis and say you are not buying any adult Xmas gifts this year, but you will be buying birthday gifts as they can be spread over the year more. Be firm and do it now before they start buying their gifts. I go for a Xmas meal with my friends instead of buying each other gifts. We all dress up and have a lovely time. Could you suggest this?

Friend & I just said - shall we not do presents this year ? I think it was a relief to both of us 😊

It really depends how far in advance she shops as I’m almost done 🤔 I’d probably wait and tell her early next year unless you really can’t afford it this year

I don't think it's even a tiny bit rude to suggest a present amnesty. If anything, she's the rude one for refusing it.

I've arranged this with several people and it's a great way to reduce the stress of Xmas preparations (not to mention reducing the amount of unwanted seasonal tat that tends to get bought).

I'm old enough now that if I want a scarf/necklace/candle/book/whatever then I've probably bought it for myself already.

Go token gift, with home made biscuits or overn dried cherry tomatoes.

Arrange a Secret Santa for the adults. At least then you’re only buying for one in the group of adults.

Say it well in advance (ie before any present buying can reasonably be expected to have taken place) and just stick to it. If she gives you anything say pointedly “I thought we said no presents!” The only people I’d consider making an exception for are people who don’t really have anyone to buy a present for them (especially childless friends who are forever buying stuff for other people’s kids). Stick to your guns or it will never end.

Tbh I wouldn't use the COL crisis explanation because she clearly doesn't think this is important enough. I'd just stop the tradition altogether and be straightforward about it: just say something along the lines of "Hey, how about we go out to grab some coffee and catch up instead of exchanging gifts? I know this new place...". This will give her an idea that you aren't expecting a gift and no gifts would be expected from you. If you have a group chat, you may ask others in advance about that and they'll support the idea. Then you can make a group smartshow 3d video card to send out and leave it at that.

The message has been sent... Don't think it will be well received!

Well done @Smashepotato!