Surprised how hurt I was by this

[Anycrispsleft]

I'm not a particularly gifted baker but since my kids were little I've managed to master a handful of cakes/desserts of which three are now Christmas regulars in our house. My mum died suddenly about 12 months ago and so Christmas was a bit muted - on boxing day we went back to my home town to see some of the family and to start clearing my mum's house. I did actually do my Christmas desserts but one we had a bit of on Christmas day and then had to bin, the other stayed in the freezer till the first week in January.
I was looking forward to doing a proper Christmas this year including baking, then last night we're all watching GBBO over dinner and my husband says "that's what we could do between Christmas and New year, I could try out some cake recipes. We never do any baking" And I was like, well, I do and my 11yo DD goes "oh yeah, the pavlova and the yule log, like every year" and like, she's only 11, and I've often joked about my tiny baking repertoire so she's only repeating what I've said myself but I was caught off guard and it really hurt. Not even what she said so much, but the fact that my husband didn't even think about the fact that I bake two bloody desserts every year for Christmas on top of all the other organising- it's not even Christmas martyrdom, we live in rural Germany and the supermarkets are all totally basic, if I had an M&S or a Tesco nearby our family tradition would have been a shop bought trifle! I wasn't even a big Christmas fan before I had kids, I had a difficult childhood and Christmas was pretty miserable in our house so I went the other way with my own kids, trying to invent traditions and get really into it and stuff. I guess all that has more or less served its purpose you could say, the kids have some good memories and if it's going to be a bit less poncetastic in the next few years I could definitely use the break, but it just is a bit sad. I don't know.

Good. You've been nasty. One post disagreeing would have been plenty.

Oh I'm sorry OP. I think this is one of those situations where a comment has been received differently to how it was meant. Bake off probably just inspired him to want to have a go at baking, and it sounds like he'd like your input.

As for your daughter, children of that age can say things before their brains engage, with little thought for how their comments might be received. Getting Christmas right is important for you (understandable given your own experiences) and maybe that makes you extra sensitive to what feels like a criticism. I hope you have a lovely Christmas, and are able to enjoy it more than last year.

Nicely said @BluebellsForest

For my children "like every year" is what they like. They wouldn't mean that as a negative at all. It's their family tradition. Now they are young adults adjusting to new lives, they find it reassuring. DS will not be here for Christmas, but is happy that he can slip back into Boxing Day traditions with us. Ultimately, he and his family (when the time comes!) will build their own, as DH and I did with him and his sister. It's just easing the transition.

My sister makes the same dessert for Christmas every year and I think about it from around August until Christmas Day 😁 I wouldn’t have taken an 11yo’s comments to heart as I’m sure she didn’t mean for it to be interpreted in the way you have. Your DH is right also, you (as a family!) don’t do much baking.

I can understand why you’ve taken it so personally though, Christmas is still probably a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for you.

I am sure bakeries exist in rural Germany or the nearest town where you can order or purchase of the shelf cakes. As for bake off, you say “yes you’ll do bake off and I’ll be the judge” points will be given for the cake and the clean up afterwards!

It’s been over a year since my mum died and I don’t particularly feel like baking either!

OP you could impress your kid and DH by baking a batch of ginger cookies or chocolate chip cookies. Both are easy and only take 35 mins including cooking time.

OP I think you're being over sensitive here. Your DH made a nice suggestion and your 11yo made a very natural response. But Christmas after a bereavement can be a tricky time, so be kind to yourself.

I take 99% of posts with a pinch of salt…mostly just people with too much time on their hands who read too many novels & try to work on their own storylines!

As someone whose baking is legendary - not in a good way - I wouldn't be even the slightest bit offended, especially if my DH were offering to bake instead. If people want cake in this household, they have to do it themselves.

@Anycrispsleft
Hi, OP
I understand why you were upset - Christmas is very emotionally loaded and you make an effort to do something that you are not particularly good at and possibly don't enjoy that much, to contribute to happy memories for your children and heal the pain you felt as a child.
Your DD is relaxed enough around you to just come out with what's in her head. That's a good thing and reflects well on you. She meant nothing by it.

Why not take the opportunity to get your husband and DD to make Christmas baking or baking generally their "thing" - father-daughter time. Before you know it you'll be drowning in lovely fresh loaves, there'll be cupcakes every Sunday, etc. (And make sure they tidy up after themselves.) Takes pressure off you at Christmas as well. Above all, don't feel that you have to try harder with the baking or do more of it.

That went well 😀

To those warning me not to repeat my mother's mistakes etc... I've done a lot of therapy and one thing I have learned is that it's OK to feel your feelings, you just have to be careful about how you act on them. So that's why I started a post on here rather than bringing it up with DH (certainly not with DD). Don't worry, I didn't spend last night sobbing into a smashed pavlova or anything. It just as I say, took me by surprise that it hurt. Things are changing, DD is getting older and I am feeling a bit nostalgic about the things that she used to love that she's not that bothered with any more.

The advice from those of you with older kids was very useful - I will tread softly on the Christmas traditions this year and see if I can't maybe get out of some of the stuff they've really grown out of without ditching the things they still like.

I’m glad you’ve found some help on here, despite the unpleasantness, OP.

I have come to realise that tweens/teens often enjoy traditions for longer than it appears that they have any enthusiasm left for them. They provide stability, that they might even push against a little, but can still be of value.

I usually make a stollen every Christmas but last year due to life I was too ill to make it. I dragged myself out of bed and to Lidl and bought one you would have thought the world had ended.

I'm really impressed that you can do a Yule log, I helped my mum make it when I was a child but I'm terrified of trying now. I also have problems with meringues so no hope of me doing a pavlova.

You may not do baking but you do two very technical desserts. Perhaps your DH is offering to do something, perhaps you could get him to make a pie for a meal between Christmas and New Year.

DD is getting older and I am feeling a bit nostalgic about the things that she used to love that she's not that bothered with any more

I don't think this follows at all from what she said. It sounded like SHE is also nostalgic about your Christmas baking traditions rather than critising you for not baking more.

Thanks, I do appreciate your kind words. I think we're treading a fine line with the kids a lot at the moment as they sort of make these leaps forward and at the same time they're balancing their school persona with their home one and all this sort of thing.

Those Lidl stollen are quite decent, they should have been grateful!

I might suggest that to DH that he does something savoury, I would love it if a traditional Scottish Hogmanay steak pie were to appear for example.

It must be like walking on egg shells for your DH and, sadly, your 11 year old.

Repeating a joke you have made repeatedly in the past to her mother, but her mother getting “really hurt”

Sympathy from me, OP - Christmas is emotionally fraught anyway, and it’s only a year since your mum died - that’s a lot. I think you should take your husband up on his offer, and because you said you’re in germany, I wanted to recommend this lovely book. I got it after a recommendation on another thread, and it’s gorgeous - how about giving it as a joint 1st December present for your DD and DH and see what they come up with!

Advent: Festive German Bakes to Celebrate the Coming of Christmas https://amzn.eu/d/8lyNhpZ

I'm sorry OP, sometimes things hit us hard even though they were not meant badly. To be fair kids at that age can be a bit thoughtless with what they say, I'm sure your daughter will scoff whatever desserts you make when the times comes.
Also, if you have joked about it yourself she is probably just picking up on that. Sometimes we say things in defence that are actually sore points, and might not realise. I hope you feel better about it.

Do you have a recipe for the Yule log? Sounds great, I would love to try it this year.

Anyway, at least it's not as bad as my dear mother - I'm the baker in my family, I'm not amazing at it but I enjoy doing it and have a few good recipes, however my lovely mum has a habit of buying shop bought cakes to sort of 'compete' with what I have made. Like if for a family event I say I'm going to do a pavlova, she will turn up on the day with shop bought meringues 'just in case'. This has happened several times over the years so it's not just coincidence.

I don't know why it bothers me so much, like she is trying to tell me that my version is crap or something. Actually I think she thinks she is doing a nice thing - she doesn't like baking, thinks it's a faff, so thinks she is helping me by taking the pressure off. But I just see it as her trying to undermine my efforts.
Families are weird.