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Original poster

How to tell sibling I don't want to buy presents this year

52 replies

Toothyfruity · 01/10/2023 16:37

I have 1 brother who is married with 4 children. I am married with a new baby.

For the last 3 or 4 years my brother has not gotten us Christmas presents. He says he intends to and forgets or doesn't get around to it. They also haven't gotten my parents presents in recent years despite receiving significant support from them. They're not stuck for money though none of us are wealthy.

Every year I get them and their children presents. They never thank me. I also buy birthday presents for their children and don't get a thank you text or anything for those gifts either.

So this year I'm not arsed getting them anything and want to agree with them that there'll be no presents. I suspect that they'll suggest we only buy for the kids. Frankly I don't want to do this because they have 4 and I have 1. Also he will probably not actually get anything for my son going on past performance.

Is there a nice way to say that I don't want to buy for the kids either or will I sound like Scrooge?! We'll all be together for Christmas day so it has to be addressed.

We get on very well and have never had so much as an argument so I don't want to be rude or make things weird.

OP posts:
JasmineButtercup · 01/10/2023 17:53

The children will be happy with sweets.

SheilaFentiman · 01/10/2023 18:00

I like the idea of reserve presents like Amazon or other vouchers

Christmasbroughtmeback · 01/10/2023 18:24

Sounds very like my brother, I wouldn't not buy for my niece and nephews BUT I always ask him what the kids want and send him a link at the same time to what my child wants (what i want him to buy them) - I keep it to £10 to £15 max. My brother never gets back to me with what they want so I just go ahead and buy what I can afford which is a similar, however he always buy the link I send him when before he used to forget and we'd get something a month later!

GettingOldWithoutStyle · 01/10/2023 18:24

Yes I'd do the "with new baby we're following your lead and cutting back". I've done the same this year, we have three kids now and I calculated we buy for 17 people outside of our little family and 13 of them are now >18!! I just sent a message, no one raised any issues. Honestly, the relief for me was immeasurable. And I will have extra cash for us to spend on some lovely treats!! Wish I'd done it sooner.

KiteofUncertainty · 01/10/2023 20:22

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2023 17:50

Hey Steve, given it's been too much for you to sort presents for the last few years, I think it's best if we just agree in advance this year not to bother. Looking forward to seeing you soon x

Done.

This is the best answer, I think, OP.
It's direct and it's honest about what the issue is. He's been taking the mick for years, you don't need excuses.

And perhaps I am a heartless cow but I don't think you need to get his kids presents, even reserve ones. A game for all the children to play together is a nice idea, though. The point of getting together at Christmas is the company.

Good luck!

Caro678 · 02/10/2023 04:57

When he calls and asks if you’re doing presents, I think I would have to say something like, well you haven’t bought us any for the past 4 years. And then see what he says. I think I’d have to be honest and say you don’t want to keep buying without being reciprocated as it will be hurtful for yiu and your DC going forward.

or if you feel like being less blunt, yiu coukd say I know you find it difficult to remember so let’s take the pressure off and not bother.

Or suggest doing a $5 secret Santa between everyone on Christmas Day. Each person brings one gift and takes one random one. If they turn up without any presents on the day then no problem, they just can’t join in!

Dessertinthedesert · 02/10/2023 07:23

KiteofUncertainty · 01/10/2023 20:22

This is the best answer, I think, OP.
It's direct and it's honest about what the issue is. He's been taking the mick for years, you don't need excuses.

And perhaps I am a heartless cow but I don't think you need to get his kids presents, even reserve ones. A game for all the children to play together is a nice idea, though. The point of getting together at Christmas is the company.

Good luck!

Show quote history

I like this too.

Pizzalover46 · 02/10/2023 07:39

Don't mention it. If/when he messages asking if you're doing presents this year, just say no.

kkr168 · 02/10/2023 14:43

My brother has 5 children, every Christmas eve we would drop the children's presents off, SIL wouldn't let them open them till Christmas day.
Our children never got a present in return, we never got a thank you & after 7 years I just stopped buying for them altogether. There was never any conversation in the lead up, I just didn't arrange the usual xmas eve drop off.

On my DH's side we'd all buy for each other but as more children came along, it was just getting far to expensive for everyone. 3 years ago everyone agreed to only buy gifts for the kids (under 18) the rest of us do secret Santa, so everyone still ends up with something.

strawberry2017 · 02/10/2023 14:48

When he asks just say what's the point in asking coz you never bother.
Or I'm still waiting for last years?
Or do you actually plan on buying any this year?
He sounds like an arse.

mathanxiety · 02/10/2023 15:41

Tell him now that you have your own baby you're making it mutual and officially only giving gifts to your own little family.

HauntedPencil · 02/10/2023 18:51

In a similar scenario having had nothing for this kids in years I simply stopped and said nothing.

Tbry · 03/10/2023 22:43

I would still buy for the children only this year and see if they buy for your baby. It’s your baby’s first Christmas after all so you will see the true colours once and for all.

We have had a similar scenario with SIL for years now, difference being we don’t have children together just my DC.

We get told presents are there to do a pre Christmas exchange, go around with our presents for them and we get nothing. We have not even had a Christmas card.

One year SIL came in later than us, so we sat with DN’s just waiting, with all her cards and presents from work to talk about etc etc. Had cards she was writing for others out on the table but didn’t wish us a happy Christmas and we just left without even a card like we had turned up uninvited. Another year we get invited over to collect our gift as told it’s under the tree ready and then get told it’s not arrived we will get it in the new year. Another year we had DN’s overnight so SIL could socialise and then do the drop off and get nothing.

We would be happy with a £1 gift from the DN’s and a handmade card.

The last two years I have not seen the DN’s for birthdays or pre Christmas so my DP has just taken the gifts over.

I had hoped it was finally now stopping as DN’s are older but my DP says he can’t just not give as that’s mean. We are on an even tighter budget this year as well so I’ve just bought cheaper things all done and wrapping next week….that way I don’t have to even think about it.

It’s how it all makes you feel rather than the lack of gifts 💐💐💐.

shivawn · 04/10/2023 11:51

Every year he asks me if we're doing presents and we agree that we are

If he asks you every year if you want to do presents then surely it's a very simple solution? Just say no this year.

DuploTrain · 04/10/2023 11:54

”No, not this year - we’re still waiting for the last 4 year’s presents, haha”.

I would personally buy the kids a selection box each though - they are your nieces and nephews and it’s not their fault their dad is shit. I admire their mother for not doing your DB’s wife work though.

Rosesandstars · 05/10/2023 16:58

I think a box of chocolates for your brother and sister-in-law with reserve Amazon vouchers sounds like a good idea but you probably should buy something small for your nieces/nephews and just think of them as your family rather than your brother's kids.

Millybob · 05/10/2023 17:01

As he doesn't buy you anything, or have the manners to thank you, I can't see that any announcement is required.

Broodywuz · 05/10/2023 17:33

My brother and family are the same although the kids do usually get gifts eventually, usually late and minimal effort. (We only do presents for the kids) I think you could easily just not say anything and not get them. If he does bring it up I'd just say with having the baby now we're cutting back so let's not do presents and just have a nice day together instead. Although as PP said I would feel bad seeing kids on Xmas day and bot giving them a gift. I would get a selection box and pair of pyjamas or hat and gloves set or something similar each for the kids to have a small gift each to open, just keep it cheap and simple so little thought is required.
Or you could suggest let's stop presents and each family bring a game for christmas day. I wouldn't say anything sarcastic or mention his lack of gifts, you don't want to cause an issue about it.

StarlightLime · 05/10/2023 17:44

Why bother even mentioning it? He doesn't buy you presents, he doesn't acknowledge the ones you buy for his family, would they even care if you stopped?
Just don't do it, they can hardly ask why.

Beautiful3 · 31/10/2023 16:08

What about gifting the kids those beautiful lindt chocolate reindeer? You could message saying, I'm just gifting token gifts this year. There's nothing he can say to that, because he doesn't buy any gifts in return! Or you could say, I'm not buying gifts for anyone outside of my home this year, because it's becoming too expensive. So I don't expect anything for x. Job's done.

housethatbuiltme · 01/11/2023 10:15

Love languages are a thing.

Sounds like 'gifting' isn't his thing.

I'm guessing its not yours either and you are doing it socially (gifting IS my love language and I would do it because I love it regardless of reward... I dont actually care to receive stuff ironically, I just love to give).

I wouldn't punish the children though, its not their fault. You also shouldn't gift for praise or reward... its tacky and a thought process thats unbecoming especially when mentioning kids.

If you want to cut back maybe just get the kids something cheap like a selection box or book (4 kids thats what a whopping £4-£8 maybe) and stop buying for your brother (sounds like he won't care anyway).

Pootle23 · 11/11/2023 20:50

Toothyfruity · 01/10/2023 16:58

Thanks for the suggestions.

For those saying he's been trying to get me to take the hint this is not the case. Every year he asks me if we're doing presents and we agree that we are but he just doesn't buy them. On the day then they apologise and say they're on the way or they didn't get a chance or whatever. Sometimes they even tell me what they were going to get which is quite funny.

It was the same when my son was born. They told me what they were going to get him and made quite a song and dance about it but it never materialised. So I'm anticipating him asking me this again this year, which I why I want to have a plan in place.

I wouldn’t say anything. If they are ask, just say where is the present you were getting for “Newborn name”.

or if you don’t feel comfortable saying that, say now we have Newborn we will be only be buying gifts for own child.

In current climate a sensible solution.

Bibbitybobbitty · 11/11/2023 20:55

I wouldnt bring it up beforehand. On the day Surely you just have a funny story about the fantastic presents you were going to buy for them but didn't get around to......

Starsinyoureyes12 · 11/11/2023 20:58

When I first met DH, I thought it was strange (and a bit OTT) that we all swapped gifts with his siblings and their partners, as we were all in our 20s & 30s. A few years down the line, once a few of us had children I casually suggested “what about we stop the presents and just do a nice meal or something” everyone was relived and said they had been thinking the same and didn’t want to say! Your brother may be the same, hoepfully!

crazyBadger · 11/11/2023 21:01

Sil has a lot of DC's I never missed a birthday (money in card) and did a huge hamper for the family at Christmas... We got nothing back not even a thankyou.

Stopped doing it all when my DC asked why do I put so much effort into it when they don't remember their birthday or even say thankyou.