Can we talk about Christmas with young teens?

[Nonplusultra]

Christmas really changed in our house last year, and a little bit sooner, and more so, than I was expecting.

Even though my dc haven’t believed in Santa for several years, last year was the first year they actually realised the other didn’t believe either. My eldest is autistic and quite a bit younger emotionally than his actual age and he found Christmas a bit flat and lacking. It didn’t help that our guests cancelled last minute due to illness too. We’d lost a gp a few months before too.

They’re both even more teen than last year and I’m at a loss to know how to approach Christmas now. I feel like I really knew what I was doing when they were younger. Neither of them ever seem to be on the same page about anything. They bicker a lot and don’t enjoy being in each others company anymore. I don’t enjoy it either if I’m honest. One on one they’re both wonderful, but if I take the two of them anywhere these days it’s miserable.

I can think of things they’d each like but there isn’t enough of me to go round and anyway it’s family time. December is a really tough month for dh at work - longer hours and a lot of pressure wrapping up the year. He’s wiped at Christmas and more likely than not to nod off on an armchair. I’m not complaining - Christmas just falls to me to manage but he organises our summer holiday 100% and is far more hands on then.

There’s no movies they both enjoy and anyway my autistic ds will just not watch if he’s bored or disturbed. If they were even content to just entertain themselves I could live with that, but they both remember Christmas as children and feel that we should be doing more. I’ve tried throwing the responsibility to define “more” back on them but they don’t like each others suggestions.

It’s not really possible to get ds to do anything he doesn’t want to; that’s just how it is. He’ll make an effort but it’s hard for him and he reaches his limit. Dd could be a lot more flexible but she already has to be, more than is fair. And I don’t want to raise her to think her needs and preferences aren’t important or that it’s not ok to stand your ground and say no.

I have a suspicion that the key is probably in getting them both more involved in the work, cooking and decisions. But that’s not as easy when they have study and house exams right up to the end (and ds already struggles with the routine changes that exams in school entail)

I’m not really looking for specific suggestions as much as your own thoughts on the transition from a Christmas with children to one with teens. Did you find new traditions? Or a better stocking filler formula? Anyone find it easier with teens than with smaller ones?

Well mine are still small so
i can’t help with experience of the transition yet, but one thing I am really looking forward to personally when they older is investing in some really lovely decorations -glass baubles etc - which I can’t have at the moment as they will just be manhandled and smashed!

From reading your description what strikes me most is that this is a time when everyone is feeling quite tired and stressed, and it sounds like everyone feels pressure to be DOING more, when
perhaps what might be more pleasurable for you all is doing less.

Above all I think you should ask yourself what you would enjoy and what would make you feel joyful and excited. It’s hard going trying to make fun for others when you are not feeling it yourself.

Mine are big teens now. What worked for us was just carrying on as we always had- obviously the gifts change- but IME teens are huge traditionalists when it comes to Christmas and are outraged if you ever suggest dropping any of the traditions they remember from when they were small.

Agree with pp that it sounds as if your key issue is that you’re all stressed and tired. Would they be less fractious if you could build in some more lazy time just pottering about?

Those are very valid points. And I haven’t stopped to think about what I would like. Hmmmmm.

Glass ornaments is a great benefit of older dc I must admit!

We've always had quite a low key Christmas. In the run up we watch different Christmas films (dds can pick & choose what ones they want to watch i watch them ALL). We bake as its all about the food for them!

I do invidual stuff with each of them, dd1 loves a mooch around the shops (dd2 hates it and will moan endlessly!). Dd2 really enjoys the ballet and dd1 fell asleep last time so stays home 🤣 we do a cinema trip or cheap panto tickets, again they choose which they want to do no pressure but no one misses out.

Evening walks to look at the lights, bonus is they are older now so can stay out later!!

On the day, we open presents, watch TV, play games, the switch, eat and go for a walk. Last year I really enjoyed an hour reading my new book while dds chatted to their friends online. There's so much pressure to make memories all together and it be wholesome but I'd rather ours be more low key and us all feel chilled out. I dont even cook a roast on Christmas day due to the clear up, just whatever we fancy that year!

I think at their ages ask them what they want too. We have "pyjama Saturday" which is the day after they break up from school however, Ds1 is now at uni so this comes 2 weeks after he actually finishes. Ds2 is year 13 so it is the day after he breaks up. We make hot chocolate in special Christmas themed mugs and watch a couple of films. Throughout the year I add films onto a list and they choose from that. Now for your two not being together, how about they choose a film each and the other one doesn't have to be there but you and Dh or one of you will be.

We have a menu plan for the week leading up to Christmas and a couple of days beyond so that is always a set thing, we have tweaked it over the years but some are buffet meals so there is choice. After Christmas we would review it with them and asked what everyone liked or disliked, I have a spreadsheet with the menu on, plus one for the shopping list so I don't have to write one out every year.

They still hang up their stockings on Christmas Eve for Father Christmas, my youngest is 17. No one talks about the truth of that, it is just a thing we do. The stocking has things in on Christmas morning.

Dh always takes the 2 weeks off work that the schools break up so we too spend time together watching things we want too.

Maybe start with what they liked about their childhood Christmases.

It sounds like the best thing to do may be for you to do things separately with them so they both get to experience what makes them feel happy about Christmas without the other ruining it. (I know your ds can't help it )Dd would be able to relax doing what makes her feel Christmassy and you could relax as you're not worried about ds reaching his limit.

I'm guessing that your dh is too tired to go out with the other child or you as he will want to catch up on sleep but could he help with little things like getting a Christmas Costa hot drink if that's up their alley? Also if one does stuff with their friends like going up to see the town lights turned on then that buys you time with the other.

I realised I didn't actually answer your question! Yes I loved the chaos and magic of Christmas when they were younger, but I am really enjoying it now they are older. I felt so much calmer last year but still had lots of fun. Mine are 15 and 11 this year.

In terms of stocking - ours is more edible and consumable now they've got older. Still a few silly things to remind them of when they were younger! Mostly it's stuff I would have bought anyway - pringles, chocolates, sweets, drinks, face masks, body sprays, makeup etc.. oh and always a confetti Canon.... the fun is still finding it 3 months later 🤣

We still do the Elf... but he can be far more outlandish and rude now 🤣 last year I forgot 1 day and dd1 had rearranged it!

Oh and I found a ridiculous Christmas joke to tell them each morning, mostly met with eye rolls but I enjoyed them, looking forward to finding more this year 😂

What did they enjoy about Christmas when they were younger, can you recreate that? We never stopped traditions... just adapted them as they got older.

4 dc here - 11, 13, 15 and will be 17. Three are autistic and often don’t all get along. As someone mentioned above, we keep the traditions. When they were a bit older, we decided to start a secret Santa between the 6 of us. They love this! The night before Christmas, we have a dinner and they take turns in making a pudding board, cheese board, charcuterie board etc etc. Along with a few soups, sausage rolls, bread and left overs, these are the next few nights dinner. We decorate the table etc - they really like that. In the morning we go to a local spot with neighbours and have a glass of champagne. Older ones are now old enough to have half a glass themselves. 10 years ago we were going this with their toys! We have no family in the U.K., so making traditions was important for us, also ones that we could take into adulthood (like secret Santa).

when they were little we would always put cloves in satsumas and activities like that - I may still do that this year, and perhaps start making mulled wine with them. I try to start the excitement Christmas Eve, put their Santa sacks under the tree (I will always do this as I don’t wrap presents under the tree.

keeping my eye out for new traditions…

IME teens are huge traditionalists when it comes to Christmas and are outraged if you ever suggest dropping any of the traditions they remember from when they were small.

I agree with this - just today one child complained that their dad had suggested changing the choosing the tree tradition and strongly expressed their dislike of that idea!

What are the things they’ve individually suggested? Does everyone have to do everything together or can you work in some 1-1 treats/experiences instead?

Mine like having ownership of something that they can feel proud of - a special brunch menu, Christmas mocktails, the gingerbread house of legend etc. And choosing presents to give themselves rather than just being the recipient.

Mine are 14, 12 & 11 and all in that stroppy phase.

We don't actually DO a lot, because mine and DHs jobs ramp up over the "drinking" season as people seem to control their bad behaviour less, so we get real busy!! As such we tend to just use the time to chill out more whenever possible.

I will watch xmas films, but the kids aren't fussed. We go for a walk xmas eve, and this year we're off to Warwick Castle for their light trail (which is the first xmas thing I ever booked).

Stockings are more about food and sweets than "stuff"

Ours are 14 and 16 so we’re a year or two down this road! What works for us:

• They have different interests so we take time to do something with each of them over the holidays.
• We take turns to watch films or TV programmes of their choice.
• We still do stockings but they are mainly filled with food and drink
• We go to look at Christmas lights followed by a meal out
• (no.1 rule above all else) Lower expectations! Slow down, don’t try to do too much, don’t put pressure on yourself or the kids. Enjoy chilling out and if you manage to enjoy a couple of meals / movies / whatever as a family then great.

Oh we do the gingerbread house also.

christmas mocktails! Thank-you! That’s a fab suggestion that will help our Christmas period.

This has been such a heartening thread to read and it’s helped me realise that last year might have been a low point for a few reasons but this year might well be a lot better.

I think I definitely need to take a giant step back from the feeling of being responsible for everyone’s happiness too! And relax and let things take their course.

We had a ‘pick from the Christmas stocking’ ( hat/box, whatever). Each of us out in an idea ( or two each) for what we would like to do during the holiday. We all agree, to be fair, we have to commit. Would this work? But if fun, everyone gets a say.

I also considered the stress points. Boxing Day was ours, when the excitement of Christmas Day was over and DC’s were tired. We did one of two things - a BD treasure hunt around the house and garden or a trip out. Some country houses are open.

Things evolve - the trips to look at lights followed by hot chocolate becomes a night out in the city to the cheesecake and milkshake bar, then becomes a trip for mocktails then finally the pub for cocktails. They still decorate the tree but it's gluwein these days via spiced hot ribena.

Movies at home less so, but we went carol singing for charity

Accept it will be different and it’s ok if they are bored at times. Ime teens like you to be consistent and (eg) keep watching the Snowman just so they can know it’s happening but not really join in.

I know you said your DS isn’t into movies but maybe your DD would like a Die Hard marathon, it is a good ‘new’ Christmas tradition at this age.

Mine range from 12 - 18 and Christmas isn't really very different from when they were little. They still have stockings full of tat - it's just older kid tat. A pretty tree. Lots of yummy food. A stupid new toy for the cat. We don't really do very much on Christmas day. Just hang out. It's nice.

I agree with a lot of what has already been said.

Make the most of the festive season, not just Christmas Day. Appreciate December is busy for you but things don't have to take long. You could start some new traditions: eg trip to a garden centre and each can choose a new decoration and start to build a collection.

I saw another thread about creating a hot chocolate station - basically a tray with hot chocolate, marshmallows. sprinkles etc which you could set up Dec 1st or Christmas Eve.

Our teens liked to embrace their inner child at Christmas, one year they made paper chains, which they had loved doing as little children. Another year we made gingerbread houses. They also let slip that they really love selection boxes and missed them when they 'grew up and no-one bought them', same re advent calendars.

I love doing jigsaws and our DCs (whilst never wanting to admit to it as teens!) will put a few pieces in when passing so I always have a fun Christmas jigsaw on the go.

I'd ask them for ideas to make their Christmas special, accepting that they will have different wants and needs.

Oh and there would be hell to pay if they didn't still get their stockings!

We never see family as they all live abroad.

Over the years we have lots of little things we always do. Buying a tree together and adding a trip to the garden center cafe.
Baking treats, mince pies, yule log and biscuits
Making a gingerbread house

Before Covid there was a "Wishing tree" at our local shopping mall where you took a label with an age and girl/boy and you bought a present. DD loved going to the toy shops and getting something. I gave her a budget and she was really good in finding bargains so she could do 3-4 labels.

Can you leave one with your DH and take the other one for an activity/movie/show only one of them likes doing? Or arrange with a friend to have one and you take the friend another time?

On Christmas we have the presents, food we like to eat and we do a board game in the afternoon. No pressure on DD to do more than she wants, she has ASD and needs some time to herself as well.