How to tell people now...?

caffelattetogo · 19/09/2023 09:32

Would your mum be able to come and stay with you for a few days on the train/coach?

Original poster

BeverleyMacker · 19/09/2023 09:34

caffelattetogo · 19/09/2023 09:32

Would your mum be able to come and stay with you for a few days on the train/coach?

We did think that but she also has a couple of dogs.

OP posts:

GrinAndVomit · 19/09/2023 09:36

BeverleyMacker · 19/09/2023 09:34

We did think that but she also has a couple of dogs.

Show quote history

Well, make the offer and leave the ball in her court to make the necessary arrangements, as you have done every year.
Great username

Avatartar · 19/09/2023 09:38

Could you help to fund your mums dogs in kennels while she is away?

travelallthetime · 19/09/2023 09:38

well if you have to put your dogs in kennels then she can do that and get on the train to you!

TeenDivided · 19/09/2023 09:39

Hi Mum,

DD has requested we have Christmas at hoe this year as she has never had that experience, so that is what we will be doing. if you would like to join us and can sort out your travel / care for the dogs we'd love to host you for a few days.

Original poster

BeverleyMacker · 19/09/2023 09:41

GrinAndVomit · 19/09/2023 09:36

Well, make the offer and leave the ball in her court to make the necessary arrangements, as you have done every year.
Great username

Show quote history

I think I will :)
Thank you 😊

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 19/09/2023 09:41

Stay at home for Christmas day and visit your mum on another date over the Christmas period. Christmas is a whole 12 days and I often think that focussing on the 25th only misses a lot of opportunities for family get-togethers. There's Boxing Day, plus any time between the 25th and New Year's. And remember - no-one ever died from spending Christmas Day on their own.

Orangebadger · 19/09/2023 09:46

Yes invite your mum to yours. "It's about time I hosted a Christmas and DD is really keen to have Christmas at home this year, would love you to come and stay for a few days"

Saz12 · 19/09/2023 11:28

I second everyone else - invite her to yours this year. She can decide if she goes to yours, or your brothers, or stays home herself.
If she doesnt go to yours then visit her for a couple days so you still get to see her.

Fiddlerdragon · 19/09/2023 11:35

travelallthetime · 19/09/2023 09:38

well if you have to put your dogs in kennels then she can do that and get on the train to you!

This. And I don’t get the people commenting that the op has to arrange and pay for her mums travel and dog kennel expenses. She doesn’t have to pay a penalty for having her first Christmas at home with her daughter.

BHRK · 19/09/2023 11:37

Agree that inviting her to you is best. Then she can make her own choices

Original poster

BeverleyMacker · 19/09/2023 11:50

Thank you everyone. Lots to think about and best to talk about it now so everyone can make plans 👍

OP posts:

Newestname002 · 19/09/2023 14:30

BeverleyMacker · 19/09/2023 11:50

Thank you everyone. Lots to think about and best to talk about it now so everyone can make plans 👍

Hope your decision goes well, but Be prepared for pushback and upset feelings, OP and have your calm and firm counter responses ready. Especially if you are asked to have the dogs too because it would be so sad for them to be in kennels, etc over Christmas.. 🌹

Original poster

BeverleyMacker · 19/09/2023 15:03

Newestname002 · 19/09/2023 14:30

Hope your decision goes well, but Be prepared for pushback and upset feelings, OP and have your calm and firm counter responses ready. Especially if you are asked to have the dogs too because it would be so sad for them to be in kennels, etc over Christmas.. 🌹

Show quote history

I know..one of the dogs has suspected cancer so I don't think she'd want to leave them.

OP posts:

Dancesaideveryone · 19/09/2023 15:13

How old is your mum? Is Christmas an issue for her?

I'm early sixties and would be appalled to be thought of as a burden not able to make arrangements that fit around my DD and GC.

Is their a fraught family dynamic behind this?

CraftyGin · 19/09/2023 15:18

BeverleyMacker · 19/09/2023 09:29

Hi everyone. We live 4 hours from in-laws and mum. We've never had Christmas at home. Ashamed to say I'm now late 40s and I've never cooked a Christmas dinner at home. My 11 year old daughter has said she'd like to be at home for Christmas day. Also we have a dog that we need to put in dog boarders if we go to theirs which is also added expense. My mum is on her own but my NC brother lives closer. He never makes the effort to host mum and I feel he needs to step up now. Not sure what I should do for the best. Ps. No one drives so it's up to us to do all the traveling.

There's a big case for just telling them your plans.

We agonised for a couple of years about our inlaws and the expectation that we would drive 5 hours to their house and have Christmas with his four siblings and their children.

It was really hard packing up the car - we had to put on a roof box so that the DCs could have our presents.

Then, DH informed them in October that we were staying at home. They were absolutely fine with that and told us that was exactly what they did.

I think it is easier to have the big visit when the weather is better and there are fewer expectations.

Original poster

BeverleyMacker · 19/09/2023 15:51

Dancesaideveryone · 19/09/2023 15:13

How old is your mum? Is Christmas an issue for her?

I'm early sixties and would be appalled to be thought of as a burden not able to make arrangements that fit around my DD and GC.

Is their a fraught family dynamic behind this?

She's 68 and healthy. I'm NC with my brother so can't arrange anything with him. My mum hates putting people out so would never ask them about their Christmas plans :(

OP posts:

Original poster

BeverleyMacker · 19/09/2023 15:54

CraftyGin · 19/09/2023 15:18

There's a big case for just telling them your plans.

We agonised for a couple of years about our inlaws and the expectation that we would drive 5 hours to their house and have Christmas with his four siblings and their children.

It was really hard packing up the car - we had to put on a roof box so that the DCs could have our presents.

Then, DH informed them in October that we were staying at home. They were absolutely fine with that and told us that was exactly what they did.

I think it is easier to have the big visit when the weather is better and there are fewer expectations.

Show quote history

Oh I totally understand the packing up the gifts and not letting children see. Daughter has never woken up in her own bed on Christmas morning so I'll definitely say something this week.

OP posts:

caffelattetogo · 19/09/2023 18:18

Can your mum not bring her dogs to you?

Original poster

BeverleyMacker · 19/09/2023 19:29

caffelattetogo · 19/09/2023 18:18

Can your mum not bring her dogs to you?

She doesn't drive so would have to be coach.

OP posts:

Freezingcoldinseptember · 19/09/2023 19:33

We used to take our 2 ddogs to dgm's house. She had 2 ddogs. We rotated them from rooms as 1 of hers was an utter shit head! He actually spurred me on to have impeccably trained ddogs! Have quite succeeded imo! Time to put dd and her Christmas ahead of the grown ups op!

OrangesLemonsLimes · 21/09/2023 21:12

I agree with everyone else. Explain that your daughter wants to stay home this year and you’re up for that too, but that she is welcome to join you for a few days.

If the dogs are the issue maybe you could pick her/them up on 23rd and take them all home on 27th. It would involve overnight stays for you but maybe use the opportunity to catch up with old school friends when you’re in the area? Not ideal and a bit of a faff but if she seems upset you could offer this.

Hope the conversation goes well!