AIBU to want a selfish Christmas?

[Notfeelinglikemyselftoday]

I know it's yonks away, but I'm feeling reflective. Indulge me. Also to preface this DM and me have a great relationship, she's brilliantly supportive and I love her to bits. I'm just frustrated on this subject.

Background: I live 10 mins from DM, and my DB is an hour away. DB is BIG on Xmas, big house and loves tradition. Me? Less so. I'm not arsed, neither is DH who is also a chronic last-minuter. For the last two years DM has semi-invited (semi because she's always welcome) herself to ours, rather than drive to DB (she hates driving). In 2021 I'd recently MC and wanted a quiet one, 2022 I had a very young baby and was triple feeding.

The day I had in mind would have been very chilled and ordering takeaway. This just wouldn't have been ok with DM, because ITS CHRISTMAS. So instantly I'm cooking a full roast, in fact she balked when I considered not having turkey. I was in the kitchen all day. To her credit she offered to host but her house is tiny and I really couldn't be bothered to cart all the baby stuff around there. I also find that Xmas day as an adult at parents a bit regressive, I really do not enjoy the vibe.

Alternatively I'd consider going out for dinner, but she wouldn't entertain paying for a pub Christmas dinner as she thinks they're too expensive, around £70 excluding drinks near us.

Also, understandably she doesn't enjoy waking up on Christmas alone. But we don't have a spare bedroom so that meant we're hosting her for two days. I co-sleep so DH had to come in with me and baby which is a bit unsafe and meant we were both shattered. And next year it'll be DCs room.

Finally there's a little tradition near us where you go for a very specific walk, it's got a big hill but there's a large crowd of people and a fantastic view where you congregate for well wishes. It's a lovely thing to do on a clear Christmas morning. DM "doesn't do hills" so it's a case of leaving her on her own, which seems unfair or not doing it. We end up not going.

I love DM but AIBU to want Xmas on my terms, and to start some of our own traditions?

Why isn’t she going to your brother’s house?

why can’t she do hills?

I think it’s too much compromise on your behalf.

She can prepare the veg and watch the Turkey while you walk. She does your Xmas at your house. Or get your DB to pick her up.

YANBU.

Could you ask your DB to invite her? If you explained you want a quiet Christmas this year would he back you up and convince her to go to his? It’s his turn really if it comes down to it.

Just be firm that you don't want to spend all the day in the kitchen so it will be a takeaway, and you will be going for a walk. Give her plenty of notice and then she can make alternative plans if she wants the whole turkey dinner malarky. Offer to visit her on boxing day instead.

Agree you are compromising too much. She can crack on with cooking dinner whilst you yomp uphill and down dale

Drive her round to your DB’s this year, come home and do it your way. Loving your mum “to bits” doesn’t mean trading away all your own needs in favour of hers. Maybe if you had a bit of therapy you’d see the inequality of the relationship and you’d be able to detach a bit more and prioritise yourself and your family over her.

Take it in turns with your brother. You shouldn't have to compromise every Christmas. Drop her at your brothers on Christmas Eve if she doesn't like driving, it'll be worth it for the peace.

I'm a chronic people pleaser which I realise is my problem. DM did suggest we leave her, but I know I'd feel bloody awful doing it.

I like the idea of dropping her round there on Xmas Eve, maybe under the guise of a family pressie swap. If not then I'm going to be super prepared and have a reasonable-ish priced pub lunch booked early doors, so if she wants to go elsewhere she can.

I guess the guilt comes from knowing that she won't be here forever. But I've just felt like the last two years have wiped me out.

You watch, I'll end up at the PILs this year now

You need to nip this in the bud. If you always do what she wants you’ll never be able to make your own transitions with the baby. The longer you leave it the worse it will get.

Tell your DM that you are going to be booking Christmas dinner out this year, is she booking on and meeting there or going to your DB? 🤷‍♀️

Could DB invite her? And then perhaps her Xmas pressie from you could be a train fare (first class if you can afford) and perhaps "snack pack" to make it a nice Xmas present? Would that work?

Tricky one

but I stopped the year I had my first child and we call around in the morning and stay for an hour on Christmas Day (I took her away for a night and Christmas shopping earlier in the month )

it was hard at the start but my mother is very domineering, she wouldn’t like my cooking and dh wouldn’t really like spending Christmas at mine nor me at his (they don’t do a tree or crackers or anything at all - it’s a religious day and that’s fair enough)

so just put your foot down

Has DB ever offered to host? Does he help at yours? DM doesn't want to fork out for the pub lunch but how much does it set you back hosting? I'm not the type to ask for contributions and if I'm hosting it comes out of my pocket but in these cases I think it's a bit rich to complain about paying your own way for a pub Xmas lunch when someone else foots the bill for hosting x people every year and has all the work and can't escape as got to be a good host.

You can't constantly sacrifice your own ideal Christmas on the basis that one day your mum will be gone - that's no way to live. And realistically she could be alive when your own children are adults - it's really important to have traditions that suit your own household.
It's great to welcome your mum but I think you are being way too accommodating. Things change when you have a baby - if there's no room, why can't she drive to yours in the morning? Go for your walk, if you want to - she can come or not, her choice. But you shouldn't be giving that up if you value it. She's joining your Christmas - she shouldn't get to dictate it. As much as you love her, eventually it will puss you off and your dh/kids.

Do what you want this Christmas, tell her what you are doing and it is up to her if she comes to your Christmas or not. There is plenty of time for her to organise going to her son's house instead. I am all for tradition but when children have children, or move locations then things change.

My parents have come to me a couple of times now but it's very much on my terms & conditions! I go to parkrun in the morning (if it's on) and they meet me for a walk afterwards because I can not abide sitting in the house all day. Lunch will be mid-late afternoon and there won't be 3 sit down courses! We usually have fizz and nibbles instead of a starter once the turkey has gone in the oven. You don't need a huge bird for 3-4 people, a crown cooks in a fairly short space of time. Stuffing, gravy and pigs in blankets come from M&S food so all you need to prepare is some veg which isn't that big a task for that number of people and you could even buy that ready prepped. It's really only the last half hour when the veg is on and meat is cooked that needs you to be in the kitchen. Then we're usually too full for pudding straight after the main so will have that for supper, or one year we just had cheese & biscuits for supper and had the xmas pudding another day.

CatchThatBallOfFire · 10/06/2023 21:38
Do what you want this Christmas, tell her what you are doing and it is up to her if she comes to your Christmas or not. There is plenty of time for her to organise going to her son's house instead. I am all for tradition but when children have children, or move locations then things change.”

This.

Is there any reason that she couldn’t have done the cooking? I’m not suggesting that as a solution (do what you want to do) but I’m curious to understand the dynamic. I just can’t imagine landing in on my dd if she were recovering from an mc or nursing small babies and demanding a full roast!

Which isn’t to say I haven’t been in similar shoes! I’m not one to talk. I’ve been too accommodating over the years and pretty much given up Christmas to various family demands and now it’s my teen dc that are horrified at the notion of spending Christmas by ourselves. In the beginning I was persuaded by the same argument that they’ll not be around forever. I’ve made so many “might be their last Christmas” compromises, including missing my dad’s actual last Christmas by dutifully hosting my pils.

If your db can be persuaded to invite your dm, that would be the easiest solution.

Plan the Xmas you want, tell her now what you are doing so she has time to decide whether she want to come to yours or go to your DB.

You are an adult and are running your own household your mother needs to appreciate that the relationship between you is very different and compromise needs to made on both sides.

Talk to your DH and explain your priorities for this Christmas and see if he is okay with them. Then make clear to your mother that these are your boundaries and if they are problematic for her then you are happy to drop her off at your brothers house.
Stand strong and when you waver remind yourself that you will want to raise your children to have boundaries and children learn assertiveness from their mother especially girls and boys learn how to respect girls and women being assertive from their parents.

Its very easy to slip into being a martyr but your relationship with your mother will be all the better if you don’t feel resentment for your needs being dismissed.

And it doesn’t sound like you are being selfish at all. You just want your wishes to be heard and taken seriously. I doubt think of this as selfish if it were anyone else so it’s not selfish of you either.

Best thing we ever did was deciding to spend Christmas day as a family, no pressure to get dressed, cook to anyone else's times we were able to enjoy spending time with the kids, helping with Lego set, colouring etc while enjoying a chilled day & managing to cook Xmas dinner on our terms/timings. We told all the family months in advance & said we would make time to see them each over the holiday period but with our the big day pressure - our parents actually enjoyed it more as they also had pleasure of seeing grandkids opening their gifts & play with them, esp mum not needing to rush off & peel sprouts every 5 mins. Yes they were a bit sad 1st yr but everyone enjoyed the pressure being off. Now my kids are all teens/students & we are thinking of maybe going back to Xmas day all together.

get the train to your brothers if she cant drive, meet half way in the car with your brother.

Go to hers even if its small youll manage.

One day she wont be here anymore and youll wish she was.

I disagree. One day my parents won’t be here and I won’t care one bit.

Even if you love your parents and they love you that doesn’t mean bending to their every whim. Yes one day you might miss them but a good respectful relationship now is more important.

People always trot out the line that one day the parents will be gone, but some people live very long lives - are their adult children really expected to sacrifice what they want for themselves and their own kids every year?
There has to be compromise - from the older generation as much as the younger ones. If they are in their adult kids homes, they must try to fit in a bit and not expect it all to be done exactly how they want.