Just like the childless ones I used to know

[Quietexpectations]

I was going to say my 2 year old DS is a handful but in fact maybe my 2 year old is just a 2 year old. For the first time ever, my mum told us this year she'd like to see us Christmas eve instead of Christmas day. It was a shame because DS feels really comfortable and happy at my mum's and better at coping with the excitement.

DH, DS and I spent the day at my dad's today. DS could not settle at all. He cried whenever DH left the room, he didn't eat all day, he hit me several times and kept running to the front door shouting that he wanted to leave. On one occasion I had to go and have a breather and a cry in the bathroom. My brother has become snobby since he moved away and was making hurtful little remarks all day and as someone who does not like children, made the situation even harder.

My own relationship is not in a good place at the moment. We can't seem to talk about it. Every time I bring it up, my DH is just very matter of fact about it, like 'well what can I do then?' which I never quite know the answer to.

I've spent the last few months like a lot of mum's, buying all of the gifts, flowers for hosts, planning the meals for this period and I feel alone, unappreciated and exhausted. I remember one year, my MIL said Christmas isn't fun without children. Right now I'd have to say as horrible as it it sounds, I disagree. Will Christmas always be like this from now on?

It sounds like you need to communicate your needs better. From what you say, you would have preferred to be at your mum’s today - did you tell her that? You want to be able to talk about your relationship but when your DH asks for specifics you can’t give any. You can’t expect other people to know your expectations and how best to support you if you never articulate it to them.

Well, a 2-year-old is very different even from a 3-year-old. I've accepted that Christmas isn't going to be relaxing for a while, though part of that is the fact I do all the cooking now whereas we used to be hosted elsewhere. Your brother being unpleasant is its own issue. On your relationship, hard to know without more detail but I certainly think young kids put pressure on relationships!

I can’t speak for your relationship or family problems but no, Christmas won’t always be like that. Mine are 6 and 8 and it’s been magical for years, 2 year olds just aren’t quite old enough to enjoy it properly yet though.

Of course it won’t always be like this, children grow up. A toddler is more hassle than a pre schooler, a pre schooler is more hassle than a 7 year old and so on…

Today I had a chill day after family visiting late morning… we just ate what we fancied, went for a child free walk, played a game, watched TV. Kids are 10 and 13…

I remember being alone a lot of xmas day- relegated to rooms to play with toddlers or little kids, taking them out to play with new pram or toy outside to keep them occupied while expressed family ate, drank and became merry! Xmas with toddlers isn’t always conducive to a good social life and relaxing meals with drink and games. But that passes…

Also have a 2 year old. I’ve enjoyed this Christmas, but it’s very very different to how it used to be. Much more work, far less relaxing and I can’t just get pissed and watch what I want on telly/ go for naps.

I’ve found this the most stressful and least ‘christmassy’ Christmas for a while somehow, not to say I haven’t enjoyed a lot of it - but just very very different. Also we stayed at home and hosted as I thought it would be less stressful than dragging DD around the place but actually I’m not so sure - trying to cook in a tiny house when all she wants is me to come and sit/ play/ cuddle with her felt really stressful and shit actually.

I’ve multiple children and they are all pretty young. We were just saying today, next year the youngest will be three. Which is a lot easier than Christmas with a two year old. Honestly so excited but as the day goes on it turns into really hard work.

The other children are a few years older and it makes such a difference.

I think it's hard at that age. I have a 2.5 year old and 3 month old. Decided to not put too much pressure on for the need for a magical Christmas. It's very overwhelming for them. My sister and I have made a pact about being honest what is right for us and our families rather than doing things that you think you should.

For example today I wanted to stay at my own home last night and this morning. My mum wasn't happy as it would be the first year in 34 years I haven't been with her on Xmas Eve/Xmas day morning. Tough. I wanted to be with my little family first. I offered to host everyone in the afternoon mum sister etc. my sister was honest as said that didn't work for them as she didn't want niece ti have to leave her toys. Fair enough. Offered to host herself and my DS is a bit more amenable as he is younger (and adores his cousin!) so we went there. No one wanted to spend all day cooking me mum or sis so we had pie for lunch and it would bloody lovely.

The kids have played all day and we've had a lovely time by everyone being honest. I said we wouldn't be coming until
After 2 so I could get DS to nap too as I knew it would be too much for him otherwise.

I have felt liberated by just being polite and honest. Sorry no that doesn't work for us.

Something else I decided was not to turn into my mother and become a stress head around Christmas.

I haven't frantically cleaned my bathrooms

I haven't changed the bedding on Xmas eve

I have got dirty washing in the laundry basket

I have got clothes drying on the radiator

My tree is randomly decorated and doesn't match my decor

I have got my kids stuff out in any order

I have used premade food as much as possible.

I haven't written tags on presents for my kids who can't read

All random things among many other my mum used to get so worked up about that i refused to. Honestly. I've had a lovely day! I feel that above has really contributed.

I'm sorry thugs are hard with DH. Maybe take some time to think about what it is you want to talk about in a factual way. I have found DH find this easier.

Hope you have had some enjoyment today.

My two are nearly 4 and 20 months. The nearly 4 year old has been an absolute delight today, so into all the magic, happy to play with her new toys, watch a bit of telly, even enjoyed the Christmas dinner.

the 20 month old on the other hand… bit of a nightmare bless her. There were some very sweet moments but she’s been like a caged lion, flipping between being whingey and clingy and being slightly manic. And has taken very little interest in actual presents and has mainly been focused on trying to terrorise her sister.

in two years I think Xmas will be great! But when they’re so little its hard work.

No OP it won’t be like that forever. He is at a horrid age, he will be much better when he is older. It sounds like your family (DH) in particular) need to help you more managing his behavior.

Mine are all primary age now, the child part of Christmas at least does get easier.

2 year olds are really hard work. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and the difference between them today was huge. It's been lovely but I am shattered and glad it's over! My 2 year old wouldn't even nap and screamed his head off at bedtime.

Our boy turned 2 at the beginning of the month. Everyone's always saying I'm overly precious with his eating, so decided to be chill today and let him have a couple of chocolates before breakfast. The rest of the morning was him on a mad sugar high, followed by a horrific crash lol, lesson learned. At least DP can see now why I have to be a bit strict! Wouldn't eat his Christmas dinner, but kept wanting to put his hands in ours and throw our peas across the table / maul his own food then put it on our plates 😑The day was a whirlwind of him being excited by his new toys, but too distracted to actually sit and do anything properly. There was hitting, there were tantrums... Had to be very strict with him a few times which broke my heart, but what's the alternative? I must have heard the word "NO!!" come out of his mouth 800 or more times... 😱😔😂Every little thing was a battle tbh.

Last year when he'd just turned 1 was lovely, looking at the posts above hopefully it will be again when he is 3 or 4! Think the whole day was very overwhelming for him, and it was just us three, in our own house... Did sit and watch a nice film with him though where he let me give him a cuddle, and he was thrilled by Santa having been, so it wasn't all bad.

let him have a couple of chocolates before breakfast. The rest of the morning was him on a mad sugar high, followed by a horrific crash lol, lesson learned

That's no such thing as a sugar high @QS90 . This was debunked by scientists decades ago.
Kids often eat sweet stuff in situations that are exciting (like Christmas Day!). It's the excitement that causes the behaviour, not the sugar.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2014/feb/25/do-children-really-get-sugar-rush-hyperactivity

I think you just have a 2 year old! It’ll probably only get easier from here.

@saraclara That's really interesting! Well, whatever it was he was spinning around the living room like a loon, then falling over and getting upset 😕 Perhaps just down to him being two!

Thank you everyone. I appreciate I posted a lot and was really venting everything so thank you so much for your responses.

I feel incredibly guilty as I think it's been presumed that I did all the looking after yesterday but actually DS is going through a phase of being completely attached to DH while I feel like a spare part. Every time I tried to join in with them yesterday, I either got hurt, was told 'no daddy please' or just 'bye'. He's 2 and cant help it but by late afternoon I was fed and and left them to it.

I've put on weight this year and last time this happened, my DH told me he didn't love me any more and left for a while. My paranoid mind is telling me it's all down to my weight but he's been acting differently recently, like he'd like to leave if it weren't for DS.

My mum messaged yesterday and asked if we'd had a good day. I lied and said it was ok. She said she had a lovely day just her and her newish husband, eating lunch in front of the telly. I was so cross but it felt unreasonable to be and even more so actually tell her.

DS also showed no interest in opening presents. I thought this 3rd Christmas together might be the one he started showing interest.

I'm sorry, I'm unpacking a lot here. I'm just feeling lonely.

DS is going through a phase of being completely attached to DH while I feel like a spare part. Every time I tried to join in with them yesterday, I either got hurt, was told 'no daddy please' or just 'bye'.

Could have written this bit myself! We get "Mum, NO!!" Most of the time I go near him, followed by an affectionate "Ah, Daddy!" (I note that his dad is always "Daddy", whereas I am always just "Mum" 🙄). Perhaps this is an age thing too? I'm 39 weeks pregnant so am definitely less fun than his dad atm.

The stuff with your toddler sounds normal, if a little depressing, but the issues with your partner sound upsetting I'm sorry. I think this time of year can exacerbate worries about stuff like this, whether or not the worries are real. But I'm not surprised you don't feel secure with your partner if he left you before, especially for such an awful reason 😟You'll have to talk to him, hopefully it's just Christmas Cabin Fever, but best to know either way. How are the two of you the rest of the time? Are you close to your mum? Could you maybe talk to her properly tomorrow and let her know what's going on?

@QS90 how do you cope with not being the one he wants to spend time with? I feel after so much perseverance, that I just need to give up and leave them to it. It's probably worsening the situation bur I can't find a way out of it.

@QS90 have tried talking to DH but honestly he just gives up and walks away as my current frame of mind is making it tricky for me to articulate myself.

I might try with my mum but she often accuses me of complaining too much.