Separated yesterday. Heartbroken

[Badgeredg]

Just wondering if anyone has advice. Not sure if partner is taking it seriously or being annoyed. He is being so cruel and is so angry. Says it’s all my fault. Desperately trying to hold it together for the kids but I’m the one trying to sleep on the sofa 4 months pregnant crying. I’m scared of him, he isn’t violent but he is aggressive and verbally abusive and has no empathy. I’m scared how this will affect my kids.

should I just fake it and go back to him for the kids sake and because of the time of year?

i just need some advice please. I feel very lonely. He’s upstairs snoring whilst I’m downstairs sobbing.

No real advice OP (I'm sure more people will be along shortly), but it's not your fault and you deserve better. It sounds like he is at the very least verbally aggressive, and that's not ok.

You should get away from him for the kids sake. You fontcwant thrm growing up thinking this us a normal acceptable relationship. Thinking that people should stay with partners who are aggressive.

It's a good thing if he leaves. Though I suspect this is actually an example of a narcissist ruining a holiday. They especially like to cause you distress on holidays like Christmas. A. Because they hate your happiness and B. Because the holiday isn't all about them and they can't stand it. There's lots of YouTube videos about narcissists and about how they ruin special occasions.

Get free of him. Whatever it takes. Your kids deserve to grow up with a mother who isn't being abused. Be a strong role model to them who teaches them never to tolerate bullies in our lives. Because life is too short to waste on wankers!

Give yourself and your kids the gift of freedom from oppressive, manipulative bullies this Christmas.

You have children with him and he sounds very unsafe, no wonder you are up crying - you don't deserve this. You need support and help, and maybe a plan to make sure you can leave as safely as possible. Call women's aid to get some advice. You deserve much better than this, as do your children.

If your loved one or friend had just texted you your post what would you say,think.
Get away luv.get far away and be free.
No one should be abused
No one scared
No one wondering should they split whilst sobbing on the sofa.
No one think whether they need to separate unless thete is reason to
No one ask whether to separate at Christmas unless they need to.
Big hugs op.
Can you go somewhere with the kids now or tomorrow.or can someone come round to support you tomorrow and chri stmas.to have someone on your side.
Would he leave.
How old are the kids?

I know you’re right. Always happens on special dates. His mum is the same. I have just been reading about narcissist personality disorder yesterday and it’s mostly him but he doesn’t like to be the centre of attention with other people. He even said to his own dad the other week that he thinks he has sociopathic tendencies because he has no empathy.

he won’t leave the house though. He did last night in the middle of the night and went his dads but he is back now and refuses. I went to bed early and left bedding out for him for the sofa. He came in and threw it on the floor and told me to fuck off. So I’m on the sofa now. Pregnant. He has the baby (2 years) in the bed with him now because she’s coughing. It’s killing me not being next to her. He demanded I get in but I refused if he was there. I don’t know what happened to us. We have been together 17 years. He didn’t used to be like this. I think I am mourning the people we used to be and they are gone.

can’t sleep. Can’t eat. But will try and pull myself together

trying to be productive whilst not sleeping and have emailed a mediation service near me and a family counsellor.

thanks for responding and making me feel a little less alone tonight x

Goodness me you don't need to I'll yourself together at all.this is horrible for you.
Can you leave.would he let you?
Is he safe with the kids.
Is your parents around can you call for help now?

Do you have family who you could take the kids and go stay with? People who will be supportive and helpful when you leave him?

17 years or 17 minutes doesn't matter if your being abused or unhappy

This is going to sound like a pity party but my mum is dead and my dad has terminal cancer. He wanted me to stay with tonight with the kids but I didn’t want to be accused of keeping his kids away from him. They are safe with him. He gets angry with them but would never hurt them. He does love them.
I have never missed my mum more than this week. I would give anything for her right now

Yes. Only 15 mins away. But he wants to take the kids to his family party tomorrow. Which means I get to take them to my dads on Xmas day so I don’t feel I want to fight this. It would make it much worse. His mum is heavily angry. I have not been perfect. I give it back to him but it’s always in response to his moods. But I don’t deserve this.

If you loved someone, would you abuse their pregnant mother? Im sorry op but even jf ge dies love them, what he is doing to you, hurts them.

Would your mother want to see you suffer like this? Would she want her grandchildren to grow up in a household where there is abuse?

I didn't know her but im guessing that if she was looking down at you from somewhere tonight, she'd tell you - you deserve to be free. You only have one life and it matters. Your feelings matter, your needs mqtter, your dreams matter. But if you stay with this man, it'll all be for nothing.

Dig down deep and find your strength to leave.
Speak with women's aid for advice on the practicalities. You can do this.

Don't go to mediation first off, book an appointment with an individual counsellor who specialises in domestic abuse. There is no doubt that you are in an abusive relationship. The reason it is so much worse in recent years is because you are more vulnerable with two small children.

Your children would be much safer away from this man than with him. Narcissists, as you know, can be very cruel to those close to them. Often they're okay when children are tiny because they don't challenge their parents too much and think they're wonderful, which absolutely offers the narcissistic supply they crave, but when the children become older and start challenging the parent, then they can turn on them.

Are his mum and dad still together? By the sounds of your post I felt they were divorced/separated. It sounds like his dad knows what he’s like OP.

Can you contact Women’s Aid? They would give you so much advice and help you with what to do next. This isn’t good for you, your little girl or your baby. You deserve better.

Thanks all. His mum and dad are not together. They had a very acrimonious divorce 39 years ago but now have become sort of friends. His dad is much friendly than his mum who can be cruel when. She doesn’t like something or she feels it affects her. His dad drinks a lot though.
when he takes the kids his family party I will contacts womens aid. Thanks for advice.

my sister in law is being so supportive. She is married to his brother. So she knows what the family is like. She is hosting the party and promised to keep the kids away from conflict and make sure they are not subjected to hearing about it or things said about me. I am going to miss her.

had 2 hours sleep for. The stress. Thank you everyone who was there for me in the wee hours whilst I was sobbing. It felt a little leas lonely. Time to put my brave face on and cuddle my girls. X

Google ‘covert narcissist’ and then leave x

You say he would never hurt his children but you are wrong. If he is aggressive and verbally abusive he IS hurting his children. As a father it's on him to provide the first example to his children of how women are treated in the hope that they will do likewise if they are boys or set a high standard for the future men in their lives if they are girls. He's choosing to show them that women are not worthy of respect. Now it's on you to show your children that women should not tolerate being treated badly.

is it bad that I hate that you are all right. The baby has a temp of 39.7 so fuck knows what’s going to happen now. At least I get to look after her whilst he takes the big one to the family party.