Rant about GUESTS

[TheBeesKnee]

I am so annoyed with Christmas this year.

I am 20 weeks pregnant and have 3 extended family members living with me temporarily, so I invited my separated parents and teenage sibling (who has ASD) over for Christmas day. Everyone happy to come and thinks it's a brilliant idea!

For context, DP and I usually spend Christmas alone as in my family's culture Christmas is celebrated in January, so that's when we normally go to my mum's.

My mum has to work for some of Christmas day, starting at the crack of dawn, so I offered to have my sibling stay over so that they're not alone on Christmas. She said she'll let me know.

My mum has been elusive about WHEN she will come. She needed to check with work re shifts but it's been a week and she's avoided 3 messages of me asking directly whether sibling is coming over on Christmas Eve and when she will get here.

My dad is now saying that he "might" come on Christmas or boxing day.

One of the relatives living with me is now not interested in joining in the festivities as "don't want to get in the way".

So I don't know if I need to cook for 7 or 4. I am extremely irritated and tired, I wish I hadn't bothered trying to do something nice now.

That is very annoying. I would send a final message and say lunch is being served at X time in Christmas Day and if I don’t have a reply by X I will assume you will not be joining us so will not be catering for you. Then carry on as normal.

You have my sympathy. I had a similarly situation....

I couldn't confirm Christmas until about the second week in December, at which point I invited and had accepted my sister and her two sons as a definite and potentially her two grandkids. I'm not keen on one of my nephews after a big barny a couple of years back but she's very ill, is probably her last Christmas and is high as a kite on morphine so i thought it would be nice. She's also spent more than a few Christmass with us when both her sons where too busy to see her on Christmas day so i was pretty happy as it felt special spending the day with her. I promptly ordered an appropriately sized turkey from our local butchers which is an expensive treat for us. Only to have her completely forget and announce how much she was looking forward to cooking for her two at home this year. I said "But I thought you were all coming to us" " oh no why would I do that?!?!". Should have seen it coming as the morphine has seemed to have removed any kind of empathy filter but it hit me and DD pretty rough. Now I have no clue what to do with an 8 person turkey when it will only be 4 of us and DD doesn't really even want them visiting in the afternoon.

Just shows how over-rated the commercial event is.
The fewer people the better.
I prefer informal vists, dinners/lunch a day a family etc rather than xmas/parties etc.

You’re thinking about it backwards.

pick and announce a time that you will serve food that works for you and you believe will suit guests travel arrangements

cook enough for everyone you have invited without going overboard.

use or freeze leftovers.

It is spoiling your enjoyment to get stressed about who does or doesn’t make it in the end.

you can make plans but you can’t control what actually happens!

You send this...
Final call for Christmas dinner.
I need to know who.is coming and when, by tomorrow afternoon at the latest so i can prepare. If you dont reply i will assume you re not coming.

You need need this stress , especially at 20 weeks. Im sorry but they will know their plans by now. Its just rude.

Would it actually be easier to cook for the larger amount.i mean for you too, because if they don't come it does mean you've got leftovers and meals for a few days which will help you.

Petty option;

Make yourself and anyone that rsvpd a nice dinner/lunch, make sure there’s nothing extra for anyone else. Better yet have everything plated before guests arrive so there’s zero chance of the inconsiderate ones getting anything.

Then put out the ingredients for cheese toasties for the people that are stuffing you around and tell them to help themselves

Text/message them today and cancel.
They can't put any effort in responding to your kind invitation so screw 'em all.

@Icedlatteplease
Assuming it will be a fresh turkey , ask your butcher it cut in half. Cook half, freeze the other.

This. It's more polite then they deserve but should get the message across.

You might as well bottom out Boxing Day too IF you are happy for your dad to pitch up them instead. If you would rather he didn't, say you're having Boxing Day to yourselves. You are the host, you get to set the boundaries here, you're not their servant.

This. Send this and then let them deal with the consequences. If they dont inform you then they dont eat. It really is that simple. Its not asking a lot to send a text that takes 30 seconds FFS. I dont agree with buying enough for everyone anyway and freezing it. Why should you buy food thats not going to be eaten? thats ridiculous.

Text a cut off time of 12 noon today. If they can't be arsed deciding, you need to take control and if they haven't decided or got back to you by then, cancel their invitation. Harsh but strangely satisfying.

I have a large extended family and we do a series of Christmas events in the run up to Christmas - the markets, ice skating, theatre, festive lunch at a lovely restaurant, buffet supper for all and sundry etc but Christmas day itself is just the immediate family. Any more than that and it gets messy.

I would assume that no-one is coming, send a message to that effect, then get on with doing Christmas the way that makes you happy.

There's so much emphasis on this big happy family Christmas all on the 25th. There's almost inevitable disappointment.

People can be so fucking RUDE! I am so angry for you OP, this would piss me right off.

I'd have enough for everyone and freeze/use leftovers. It saves chasing them.

Tell them you've booked last minute flights to Spain. Christmas is cancelled. Fuck 'em.

@Icedlatteplease that is dreadful behaviour by your sister.

Agree. Take control. Work out best time for you to serve lunch then text them with a deadline to confirm their attendance for your timings. If you give flakey people options they will mess you about. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

No good deed goes unpunished!

@Icedlatteplease , yep been there done that with my brother which is one of the reasons I'm NC with him now. We had the 'forgotten' Christmas invite ie he got a better offer, the turning up really late, the turning up without his wife because they'd had a row, SIL getting really drunk and abusing everyone round the table, etc etc. Lots of prepared food ending up in the freezer.

Some people are selfish a*holes who don't seem to appreciate or deserve your time and expense.

This is what @Icedlatteplease wrote.

she's very ill, is probably her last Christmas and is high as a kite on morphine so i thought it would be nice

Maybe her sister's memory dwindled.

We actually stopped inviting my BiL and his family as the BiL and his two adult sones would often p off to a pub etc and turn up 4ish. My OH was not happy but he understood. We've fallen out with my in-laws since and they dont invite us to the new year that we havd spend together since knowing them for 8/9 years and they attended our place for Xmas

My work contract is set up differently to others, so I know exactly what I'm working, but in all fairness to some of my colleagues, they still don't know when they're expected to be in over xmas/new year - they either work primarily most of xmas, if not new year. Maybe it's the same for your DM.

Having said that, I'd text now saying you need final numbers tonight for your xmas shop. In all fairness to your DM, she might not want the pressure of working, freshening up, getting changed and rushing to come to yours for a certain time so might be quite happy for you to go ahead without her and she'll join you when she can.

Are you anywhere with a university? Call their international office/post on your local Facebook to see if there are any stranded international students in need of fostering over the holidays? Or ditto through the local churches, or simply the FB group. Im not based in the UK but have even seen regional/national DB groups bringing together potential hosts and guests for the holidays. Might be fun for your DD too.

I think the main problem is that they don’t celebrate Christmas on 25th so don’t see it as a big deal. They might prefer just to have a relaxing day at home without any travel or obligations (especially teen sibling)
I would give them deadline for confirming/ declining but I would try to relax about the whole thing. It’s just a Sunday lunch for some people.

Send a message saying as of right now you're planning on cooking for 4, and name the people.

Tell the rest of them that if they don't firm up their plans and tell you by Friday, they will need to bring their own food.