Need a bit of a hand hold

[jmh740]

My mum passed away very suddenly in October she had gone out to do some gardening and had a massive stroke and never recovered.
My dad is 14 years older and we all expected him to go first.
Hes my step dad but has raised me since I was 6(40+years)

My dh has MS and is very unwell he had an operation last week that was meant to be a day case but he was in all week after being really careful for over 2 years he caught covid in hospital, they rang to let us know after they had sent him home!

Last Friday I was trying to ring my dad to tell him I wouldn't be able to go round because dh has covid and didn't want to put dad at risk there was no answer so I went to his house and found him barely conscious in a pool of vomit he had had a heart attack. He was taken to the hospital in Blackpool which is about an hours drive away and I tested positive for covid tues so who knows when I can visit, it looks like he will be in hospital over Xmas.

My step brother and sister both live miles away work full time and have their own families they are both planning to spend Xmas with their mum.

I feel so lost I'm dreading Xmas I want to get well to go and visit dad, ive had a week off work I was off most of October to sort out mums funeral etc so feel guilty for having more time off, I was hoping I'd be well enought to go back tomorrow but still feel awful, I work with children with special needs and just hope I can make it back to work before xmas.

My teen kids have been good looking after me and their dad while we've been in bed ds is 13 next weekend and I feel like his birthday is already ruined I've told him he can't have the sleepover he was expecting.
I feel so stressed by everything, everyone's health, Xmas, work.
I just want my Mum.

I feel your pain, lost my Mum very suddenly a few months ago, has highlighted some other problems I need to deal with when I'm feeling at my lowest.

Fingers crossed you get through Covid without too much hassle and pain and keep posting here, there's lots of support

Ah OP I am so sorry for your loss. You have really been through it these last few months, by the sounds of it. Take it very easy on yourself and please don't worry about your DCs imminent birthday. My grandparent died a few days before my 12th birthday and everything got cancelled. I understood and I'm sure your child will too. Look after yourself and I'm sending you a hug

I'm sorry your having such a hard time x

I haven't t got anything useful to say, other than be kind to yourself

So sorry op it’s such a shame the other siblings can’t help out

i hope he will be ok and your husband too

sending you positive vibes

can you ask the hospital about getting a care package for your dad before he is released?

Oh I am so sorry, what a fucking shitty time you're having. Is it your dads health thats preventing the sleepover? If it's because you've both got covid, it should all be fine by the weekend again?

How awful. I feel for you I really do. I’m sure your son will understand of course so don’t feel bad at all if you can’t face a sleepover but I would say at 13 they’ll probably manage themselves as long as have food (frozen pizzas for eg) and it might be something to help take your mind off of everything rise?
Be kind to yourself x

Else not rise

You are having an incredibly hard time, don't feel guilty about DS's sleepover, everyone has their limit and you have reached yours. I hope you recover from covid quickly and that things start to improve for you all.

I’m so sorry, that’s an awful lot to have to deal with in such a short space of time.
I’m sure your DS will understand about the sleepover, even if he is disappointed.
If it’s any small consolation, the heart dept at Blackpool Vic is excellent, although I know you would feel better if you could get over there and see your Dad

I’m so sorry. That is a terrible amount to bear.

You may need to be a bit self-centred for a while.

Get signed off work until after Christmas- it may feel like you’re letting them down but put on your oxygen mask first. Better for them to know you’re not back and arrange cover, rather than have uncertainty which will also add pressure to you.

Tell your step-siblings they need to make some time for your dad whilst you cannot.

Agree with DS the sleepover can get rearranged.

Look after yourself, please.

I'm not going to offer platitudes, just say I'm so sorry you're going through such a dreadful time.

Ah bless you, I'm sorry to hear all this.

It sounds as tho you are fretting, and that will set your recovery back. Forget work, you have Covid - the end.

Keep in contact with your father and arrange something else, something memorable and fun for your son's birthday. In short, do what you can with what you have.

Reading your OP, I thought - she's not having the time she thought she would have - what is the best she can cobble together for this year only, under these unusual circumstances?

Have a big from me xxxxx

What a tough time you are having. Just losing your mum so suddenly would be quite enough to bear.

I think you need to keep your expectations low right now. Get over Covid as best you can. If you make it back to work before Christmas, that's a bonus but not something you can control. If you make it the hospital to see your dad, likewise. It would be good if your step-siblings would at least visit given that you can't. You can't be the only one to do everything. And maybe Christmas itself has to be low key this year. Your DH has been very unwell, you'll just be getting over Covid, your dad is in hospital. Your kids will understand - they're not little anymore and it sounds like they're stepping up and being helpful. I bet you feel worse than your 13yo about the sleepover, because he probably knows it can happen some other time, whereas you're feeling overwhelmed by so many things happening at once that it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

Once you're over Covid and not infectious anymore, I think I would see your GP for some support. You are grieving for your mum, probably traumatised by the condition you found your dad in plus worried about him and apparently bearing the lion's share of responsibility for him, and I'm assuming you're also a long-term carer for your DH, as well as busy being a mum. Your work is caring/supportive in nature too. You sound very depleted and it would be good if someone was primed to be focused on you and your needs, checking that you're completely well and getting any help that's indicated.

Chin up, @jmh740. The wheel will turn and things will get better.

There's some excellent advice above. Big hugs, you'll get through it but to do that you must make sure you don't neglect yourself

So sorry. I have nothing to add but here’s 💐

You can only ever play the hand that fate has dealt you, at any one time.

Brother and sister away for christmas? Great! catch up with them in the new year when you're feeling better. If you haven't got them a present yet, it doesn't matter because you won't be seeing them before the NY anyway, so there's a worry less.
Sons' birthday sleepover, it can't be helped that you've had to postpone it but let him have one after xmas, with extra pizzas. Besides which, no doubt they will have been given new games for xmas that they will be wanting to show off, what more perfect occasion for doing so, than a belated sleep over.
It's sad of course that your dad may have to spend xmas in hospital but it can't be helped and to be very honest, whilst you are poorly, you are not best placed to be running around after your dad, as well as your hubby and your children too, so consider that somewhat of a help, in a strange sort of way.

As for xmas shopping, get what you can online. Tins and packets can be got now and put away, just leaving your fresh stuff nearer the time, when you're feeling better.
Xmas cards, see what card factory have online, get them delivered to you. Presents can be sought online from your sick bed. So not the end of the world in that respect either.

Sorry about the sad loss of your mum though. Do seek some counselling/support, as soon as you can and make sure you get all the help you need/are entitled to for your hubby and your dad when he's released from hospital.
You're under a lot of strain/pressure, give yourself a break, be fair to
yourself - you can only do so much, it might not be everything that you want to do but it can't be helped, you can make up for things at a better time, it's not the end of the world if things need to be postponed/cancelled.

Oh my goodness @jmh740 that's an awful lot for one person to bear

Agree with pp regarding getting yourself signed off work. Going back after the holidays (if you're up to it) will give you some breathing space. Though I'm afraid I've rather assumed you have decent sick pay arrangements.

Are there any of ds's chums' parents who would take the load of, maybe take him and a pal to the cinema or something and have him stay over on his birthday? Appreciate that maybe a crap idea and you'd rather keep him close.

I'm so sorry to hear what a tough time you are having. It's very natural to feel guilty about everything but honestly, everyone will understand. The sleepover can be another time. And you need to just focus on taking it easy so you can get better. But you can't rush it, it will take as long as it does. I'm so sad for you about your mum, it must have been a terrible shock and then your dad unwell too. I would hope his other children will go to visit him while you can't? I hope your husband is on the mend from his operation and Covid? Your children sound lovely looking after you. Take care of yourself 💐

Thank you all for your kind words, I guess I just feel a little overwhelmed and helpless at the minute.
Step brother has been to see dad twice but he spends his weekends going to look after his mum, step sis has had a really busy week at work she came to see dad last weekend and is planning on coming next weekend its a 4hr drive for her is about 2 and half hour for sb. I've been going to see dad 2/3 times a week since mum died (she was his ft carer)and I think I've been stretching myself too thinly. Oh has has 2 surgeries since my mum passed away and has had complications from both and has ended up having to stay in hospital for longer than expected.

I've already told ds we might have to do his sleep over when everyone is a bit better and he said as long as he gets a takeaway that night he's fine with that, I just know we made a big deal of dd turning 13.

I think I just need to accept that Xmas/life is going to be a bit different from now on and nor beat myself up about it too much.

I’m so sorry you have so much on your plate. 💐

This is so awful! 😟😢 Really feel for you. Hope your Dad is feeling better soon and that people help.

So sorry you are having an awful time right now , I know how awful it is to lose a parent and juggle everything else .💐