Children of dysfunctional families…

[Irecan]

Or people who are not close to their families What do you do at Christmas?

i have been living abroad and have not been ‘home’ for Christmas for the past 10 years-I still visit once a year during summer usually. However, my DH and I are visiting for a few days this Christmas. I’ll go to my dysfunctional family, and he’ll go to his pretty normal family for Xmas day.

Part of me is trying my best to just keep all expectations low but there’s another part to me that just envies all the lovely family gatherings I hear of. I won’t go into it too much as I’ll be here all day but basically I have divorced parents, both of them hate each other and gossip about each other, I will have to see both of them separately at some point on Xmas day but nobody has actually planned anything yet, everything is just loose plans. My siblings are all quite self absorbed and do their own thing, trying to arrange to meet up with them, they all live extremely close to where I’ll be staying but neither of them have given me a set time to meet, it’s all just ‘we’ll see you at some point.’ I have a few friends who I’m excited to see and have made solid plans with them but it hurts me when they ask what my plans for Xmas are as I just really don’t think there are any plans. I’ll likely have dinner with my dad and his wife (who is quite toxic herself) and that will be it. I’m envious of people who have big parties, big lunches, who make a big deal of people visiting.

i know I’m not the only one as I’ve seen similar threads on mumsnet, so I’m asking how others like me cope with these scenarios? How do you keep the Christmas spirit up? Have you decided just not to bother with family at Xmas?

I am also a COADF.
Xmas has been a source of misery for years and I can empathise.
The only way to 'win' is to do what pleases you and have a strategy for managing the inevitable feelings of guilt or disappointment or loneliness that will follow. Can you go to DH's 'normal' family instead and sack yours off?
Or grind through a grim Xmas with the family and then give yourself a couple of days away to relax and recover after? Can you stretch to a night if two in a hotel as a treat?

The only way to survive is to stick to your boundaries and not get washed around in the toxicity. Also, if you really feel you have to see them, keep it short. Could you do an hour with each parent and then flee to your dh's family? I am eternally grateful to my dp's family for showing me what a normal, healthy family is actually like.

Thanks for the replies, I will probably only spend one day with my dad and I think he’s be hurt if I didn’t spend any time with him, he’s far from perfect and doesn’t deserve my attention necessarily but for some reason I’ve just never been able to break ties with family the way some people do. I will go to my DH’s family but sometimes I feel like a spare part around them, they are welcoming but not overly so and I do feel awkward sometimes. I thought of going to a hotel to have some peace, can’t afford it this year but perhaps will in the future. I’ve always said we’d either stay put if we have our own children (we don’t yet) and not visit at Christmas or if we do then just stay in a hotel and visit in small doses.

@MariahsBaubles what strategies do you have to deal with the loneliest etc.? I think this is what I need.

Signing in!

Don't go.

Go somewhere where people love you, cherish you, and are looking to spend a convivial time with you.

You don't have to imbibe toxicity just because it's Christmas.

Anyone who is actually estranged might want to take a look at Stand Alone.

We're here to help people of all ages that become estranged or disowned from their family or key family member. It's unfortunate that not all adults in the UK have a close and functional family experience. Our latest research from Ipsos MORI shows that 1 in 5 families in the UK will be affected by estrangement and over 5 million people have decided to cut contact with at least one family member.

However long an estrangement lasts, we understand how difficult it can be to endure the silence, the stigma and the isolation that can stem from living without a close family network.

Before finding Stand Alone, many of our beneficiaries felt unable to speak openly about difficult family situations with their friends or partners, for fear of judgement or rejection.

www.standalone.org.uk/guides/festive-guide/

Thanks for this!

I find it works best to keep things very casual. We meet up for once a year in a public place for a meal that they pay for, and I let them 🤣

I hated Christmas as a child, my parents made it very stressful with a myriad of rules. The year I really liked a gift sent by an aunt and didn’t show so much admiration for gift from my parents was especially grim! So I’ve always had low expectations of Christmas. If it turns out ok that’s fine. Best ones I remember are the ones I worked.

@Irecan
Ok so it's a mind dump of things which have developed over the years. Guilt loneliness disappointment and the rest will hound you whether you comply with family expectations or not. That's the first thing. So accept that it's not a perfect situation and console yourself that you stood up for yourself, or maintained some boundaries.

Know what restores you, and make a plan to do that. Honestly, when you're having a good day and are in a good place, make a list of things that feel good to you. Everything from bubble bath to spa holiday to looking at photo albums with your DH to having a dance to phoning an elderly relative to check in to eating Jaffa cakes... make a list. Then when you feel like crap, get the list out and force yourself to do one. Or if you know you'll feel crap after Christmas then plan one in: book the spa break or plan when you're getting in that bubble bath with your favourite podcast on and the box of Jaffa cakes.

The first time you put yourself first is the worst.
It takes a few goes before it feels comfortable.
It's intriguing to see how toxic family respond to your new approach! Might not be what you expect. You fear a big argument. But what I got was a big indifference, and that stung! Like they went 'meh' at me 🫤

And then after a time it becomes second nature and hooray you have made things better.

Good luck.

This is great advice, yeah I think they are saying meh to me also tbh. Even the ones who I considered to be a little more functional are showing their true colours.