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Original poster

Is exchanging presents with ex weird?

33 replies

Flakjacketon · 08/12/2022 07:07

My ex and I have been divorced for 35 years. The split was painful but we were amicable for the sake of our DC. We have always exchanged presents at Christmas and continue to do so even though our DC is grown up with their own family.
I was telling my now DH what I have bought for ex and Mrs ex this year and he remarked that he finds it really weird that we do this. My DH doesn't mind but he is divorced himself and can't imagine buying a present for his ex.
Is it weird?

OP posts:
Ohdearnotagain76 · 08/12/2022 07:11

Not something I’d do but certainly not weird, if shows the children/grand kids that you might not love each other but you still have each other’s back

HowVeryBizarre · 08/12/2022 07:14

I think it is a great example of how you can separate and still be decent people!

OrlandointheWilderness · 08/12/2022 07:14

No I don't think it's weird, it would be with MY ex's, but I think it's actually really lovely that you still have that sort of relationship. He will always be your children's father no matter how old they are!

buckeejit · 08/12/2022 07:17

I think that's pretty wonderful & a great example to your dc. You're lucky to be able to do this

alasangne · 08/12/2022 07:17

I think as long as its just something small and not something overloaded with sentimentality and meaning then it's fine.

Thefailinghousewife · 08/12/2022 07:22

I do this with my sons dad, and my husbands ex wife. We are still family in my eyes because of the kids, and it benefits them so we all do our best to get on. We go for meals etc too for kids birthdays or to mark special occasions. Not saying it’s always easy, but it’s lovely when it works well (does raise some eyebrows though, we have everyone coming for Boxing Day for a second Xmas, and my friends at work are agog at this!)

ShippingNews · 08/12/2022 07:29

Not something I would do. I normally send a card to him and his wife, just to wish them well. DH does the same with his ex. But I wouldn't buy gifts, that would be over the top.

Blendandmix · 08/12/2022 07:29

I think it's lovely

ponygirlcurtis · 08/12/2022 07:34

Totally depends on the situation and the ongoing relationship.

DS1's dad - I not only buy him a Christmas and birthday gift but I also buy for his wife, DS's stepmum. We all get on well.

DS2's dad I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

Horses for courses.

Do you still want to carry on gift swapping? If yes, fine. If not, I think given your child is grown up you could speak to your ex about stopping - he might feel the same.

Kissmybaubles · 08/12/2022 08:27

It is a bit wierd to be honest, not sure I would want DH buying his ex gifts 🤨

I suppose it depends what it is, novelty Christmas socks that nobody actually wears, ok, expensive cologne, or boxers probably inappropriate. Don’t give the kind of gifts you would give to a partner.

it is still strange though, I would probably just swap cards…

Lovemusic33 · 08/12/2022 08:32

I think it’s a bit weird.
Fine when the kids are small just to show the dc that there are no hard feelings between you, but your dc are now adults.

milawops · 08/12/2022 08:34

Thefailinghousewife · 08/12/2022 07:22

I do this with my sons dad, and my husbands ex wife. We are still family in my eyes because of the kids, and it benefits them so we all do our best to get on. We go for meals etc too for kids birthdays or to mark special occasions. Not saying it’s always easy, but it’s lovely when it works well (does raise some eyebrows though, we have everyone coming for Boxing Day for a second Xmas, and my friends at work are agog at this!)

I think it's wonderful that the kids get to celebrate one of the Christmas days with all of you together.

pizzaHeart · 08/12/2022 08:40

I don’t think it’s weird but it depends on your relationship. My sister wouldn’t pass a used toilet paper to her ex, after divorce he never bought as much as a birthday / Xmas card for their son. But if you are in good friendly relationship it’s like buying for a neighbour or distant cousin.

NewToWoo · 08/12/2022 08:41

I think it's lovely. It shows your children how to move on with kindness and affection from a relationship that no longer works. It shows you accept his new relationship. Do they give you presents too?

FallHappy1 · 08/12/2022 08:50

Me and exH broke up when our DC were very young. We give each other gifts from the DC and also from ourselves to each other. ExH also gives DH a gift. Not only that, but, my parents still gift exchange with exH. I don't find it strange at all.

Wheelz46 · 08/12/2022 09:00

I don't think it's weird at all, each to there own and if you both like it and your partners don't mind, I say continue doing it.

Got to say though, not something I would do with my ex, although I might but wouldn't be anything pleasant 😂

Tempyname · 08/12/2022 09:23

It’s fine, if you both want to. You shared a life together at one point, not wanting to stay together doesn’t mean you don’t care in some way or that you don’t love your new life/partner. I tend to get my ex something on big birthdays but not every birthday or Xmas.

Chamomiltea · 08/12/2022 09:41

My ex in-laws are like this and I always found it weird, as do their adult children and new partners. It also gave my ex very unrealistic ideas of how supportive I would be when he then upped and left with a work colleague and refused to pay child support.

Original poster
Flakjacketon · 08/12/2022 11:23

Thank you to everyone who has responded. To address some points that have been raised:

I agree that when DC were younger it did signify that we didn't hate each other but it wasn't difficult to do because there wasn't any abuse or affair.

I don't exchange anything expensive or sentimental but I do try to be thoughtful to him and his wife.

We have eaten out together before he remarried, but DH and I find the 'new' Mrs ex a bit full on so we have rowed back on that but I am still polite and buy her a gift at Christmas.

I am quite happy to carry on as I don't spend a lot and it would seem odd to stop now after so many years.

OP posts:
Sadik · 08/12/2022 11:34

I do, & vv - a small 'family' gift like a box of biscuits, home-made jam etc. We're on good terms, & see each other over the holiday period as dc come home to see us both (and don't drive hence require lifts!), so it feels like a natural thing to do.

But we're on good terms generally, so for example he will feed my cats if DP & I are away.

Sadik · 08/12/2022 11:35

Now I'm not married to him & someone else has to put up with him on a day to day basis I can appreciate his good points Grin

mondaytosunday · 08/12/2022 11:44

I think getting presents for anyone outside your family is a bit much, especially given the time that's passed and that you have both remarried! Unless you get several of your friends gifts (why).

CousinKrispy · 08/12/2022 11:52

I do with my ex because DC still young enough that we do Christmas Day together and it would seem churlish not to have a little token (to me, obviously different for other families!).

Fink · 08/12/2022 12:07

I still do it nominally on behalf of dc, although it's pretty obvious who has bought and paid for the present. Ditto for ex-PIL. DC are now old enough to choose something themselves, but don't have money of their own. I'm not sure what I will do once they're properly grown up, but probably stop. I wouldn't see any harm in it if you get on though.

Miajk · 08/12/2022 12:12

Flakjacketon · 08/12/2022 11:23

Thank you to everyone who has responded. To address some points that have been raised:

I agree that when DC were younger it did signify that we didn't hate each other but it wasn't difficult to do because there wasn't any abuse or affair.

I don't exchange anything expensive or sentimental but I do try to be thoughtful to him and his wife.

We have eaten out together before he remarried, but DH and I find the 'new' Mrs ex a bit full on so we have rowed back on that but I am still polite and buy her a gift at Christmas.

I am quite happy to carry on as I don't spend a lot and it would seem odd to stop now after so many years.

I think it's lovely.

I'm grown, my parents divorced when I was a teen.

They are capable of having meals together, do small things for each other, etc. I think it's really nice.

At one point in time we were a family, and their relationship now makes me feel like while they're not married, we are still a family unit.

Trying to turn your ex into a stranger is werid IMO. being married, living together, having children and then deciding to treat the person like a stranger is very bizarre and when people act like it's normal I can't understand it.