Materialistic in-laws

[anxiouself]

Hi all,

First time poster needing some much needed help, sorry if I'm not using the correct terms.
My in-laws (husbands aunt and cousins) are always calling us cheapskates for not getting them gifts for every birthday and Christmas.
He has a very dysfunctional family but he used to live with his aunt and cousins as a teen until she asked him to move out. She has two children from a previous marriage, two step children and two children with her current partner, ages range from 10-17. We used to get the kids presents for every birthday and Christmas but we struggled to keep up with the cost as we were students at the time and they always moaned that they weren't good enough (we got them books, games, bath bombs, money, gift sets from Boots etc) Trouble is you cant buy anything amazing for under £20. Then one year she told us what kind of thing her and her partner wanted for Christmas, so 8 lots of Christmas presents. We did this one year and struggled to meet the costs and we never got a thank you for the gifts we gave, they got put in a corner next to their hoverboard!
We decided after this enough was enough, we tried to say lets not do presents this year, especially during Covid when we couldn't see them but they insisted. We decided to go down the homemade route and made hampers full of their favourite drinks, sweets and chocolate, card games, a variety of baked goods. This all took a lot of time and thought (and they weren't cheap but cheaper than individual presents) it went down well the first year but the last two all we have received is complaints and 'jokes' about it. I wouldn't mind the individual presents but we don't exchange presents with my family other than parents, siblings. They do get us presents but for the last 5 + years myself and DH always the same bottle of high street perfume, its a nice gift and I really do appreciate it but it isn't really my scent (I never complain or say anything other than thank you very much).
Sorry this is so long but I want to make sure I am covering as much as I can, we didn't think we would see them this year so might get away with not getting them anything but they just made plans. Any advice on what we do this year? No presents? Hampers again? Go back to individual presents?

[tortiecat]

They sound very unkind and ungracious (is ungracious a word?!)
They can "insist" all they want but they cannot make you spend your money on them.
State clearly that you will not be doing gifts going forward.
If they give you anything, return it.
Ignore them if they complain.
Job done.
Easier said than done, I know, but these people aren't worthy of your time.

[anxiouself]

Thank you, I know I need to be braver and just say it but it's the nasty comments that are upsetting and catch us off guard. It doesn't help that BIL & SIL always get them presents (they always moan about the cost of it too) so we are seen as 'cheap'. It was even brought up in his best mans speech!

[Saz12]

ooof, they sound self centred and awful.
Can you be frank with them “look, we buy 8 gifts, and we know that none of you guys are happy with what we choose. In return we get perfume which is a lovely thought but not what I’d actually choose.
It feels pointless and wasteful.
This year we’re going to put together one gift that you can all enjoy instead. Obviously you can choose what you’d like to do - but we’l not be offended if simply dont buy anything for us, or we’d be delighted if you do a similar shared gift from all of you to both of us, but it’s up to you what you choose to do”.

Then stick to it. Any comments get shot down immediately “We told you this was what we were going to be doing”. And “we’re not being mean or tight fisted, we’re simply not in a position to prioritise gifts and we made that clear to you beforehand” and “just fuck off you ungrateful materialistic bastards”.

[Robin233]

I love giving gifts.
But if someone criticised a gift like they do - it would be the last time it would be the last one they got.
Joyless.

[ChristmasJoysuckers]

Hi op , so who do you buy for? The aunt who took him in and her DC?

Are you actually loaded and they know it?
My in law's and sil really are solidly wealthy and they become Scrooge at Xmas . Same with my brother's wife, she panica over spending anything so wensk for see them at Xmas because I find it too miserable but unfortunately we are still roped into in law's.

I only mention this because they would say they can't afford x when it's clear they could but they don't want too .

Do you buy for your side?

I hate this type of Xmas!

Can you just say you are broke ( but that won't work if you're in amazing jobs and going on holiday to the Maldives etc ) and send flowers?
Do you spend Xmas with them?

I'f so take flowers and say no adult gifts?

It all sounds very stressful.

[FlamingJingleBells]

Buy them nothing and say that you're financially struggling and can't afford it & then block them until 6 weeks after Christmas! Job done, the greedy, graspy miserable & bad mannered twats.

[FlamingJingleBells]

If you really can't not buy anything then a tub of Roses and flowers for the aunt. Then say because they don't like anything that you buy, you've decided to go down the generic route.

[MintJulia]

They are spectacularly ignorant and ill mannered. It is up to you to choose the gift and if it isn't welcome, then the alternative is no gift.

Do not let them bully you. A card and a box of chocolates is frankly more than they deserve.

[Namenic]

Do they like 2 nice bottles of wine they can share over xmas dinner? Or a bottle of bubbly for xmas?

[Namenic]

Sorry I meant new years

[Snnowflake]

I would just give a voucher for each child - from your post it seems you spend a lot of time with them so kind of hard to get out of it.

[Roundandnour]

i would tell them again not doing gifts. If they push I would tell them why. Pair of ungrateful arseholes.
Would also let the other in-laws know you aren’t getting the ingrates anything. Gives them the chance to return whatever they have bought

If you really must get them something do one of those animal sponsor things and go for a donkey/ass.

Who cares if a pair of twats think you’re tight?

[youtwoandme]

They MOCK your gifts!!! ... OP do not bother! Tell them they've been nothing but ungrateful, you do not appreciate it and you'll not by buying gifts any longer. People can be so vile!!!

[ClaryFairchild]

Wait, you each get ONE gift but have to buy for each of them? Did I get that right? What bloody misers! No way!!!

[PermanentTemporary]

You can't please them. So please yourself.

I would normally take a small gift if I were actually seeing anyone at Christmas. I nearly always give books if I can as imo they are the best inexpensive present with the most value. But that wouldn't work if they're not readers in any way - in that case I go for nice handcream or soap, I like Kiehls grapefruit handcream which is pricey but lovely. That's the cost and level of present I give to everyone except my son and maybe dp. Presents aren't meant to be painful or to cause you problems.

They tease you anyway so stop trying to prevent that. Maybe lean into it a bit. I quite often wrap in brown paper for environmental reasons, maybe do that. When they say 'God you're cheap' just hit straight back at them 'and you're rude, what can we do, wheres the Baileys?' Toughen up a bit.

[PermanentTemporary]

Oh BTW if I give books it's always paperbacks. A bottle of Saumur is nice too. I aim for max a tenner for presents, 15 if I must.

[mam0918]

A gift is decided by the giver not the recieve and is non manditory... a person can not 'insist' on anything.

[anxiouself]

Thank you all for the feedback.

Just to clarify a few things. We are by no means wealthy, we are careful with our money, I was brought up in a lower income family and we were grateful for anything we had. His aunt on the other hand has a lot of money and likes to splash the cash. We LOVE Christmas and love giving gifts so much more than receiving. DH would give anyone his last penny so to hear her say he and in extension I am cheap is so hurtful.
Without giving too much away DH did live with his aunt as a teen due to various circumstances and they helped each other out (he babysat, she got an allowance from family funds to pay for his living costs) until she found a new partner and had more children.
In my family the parents got everyone presents but when us kids became adults we stopped exchanging gifts and just spent the day together.
We live over an hour away from them and see them 2-3 times a year maximum (if they don't cancel) we always make the effort and she recently apologised for not making enough effort. She is closer to BIL both relationship and distance wise so I can understand why they do presents, even if BIL isn't happy about it. We have tried to do a group thing with them but they don't want to receive the comments and be the bad guys and they have also said we 'stole' the hamper idea.
She also gets us each a bottle of perfume/ aftershave (costs around £10 each) absolutely not a problem for me but just seems hypocritical when we have to spend at least £80 on them. I have been tempted to gift them the same perfume back but I don't want to be petty if I can help it and don't want to get back into the habit of gift giving as I feel they will think their nasty comments have got them what they wanted.
We have tried in the past explaining the cost issue and them not liking what we gift but it falls on deaf ears. I do think we need to be firmer but worry about ruining any relationship they have left.

[Robin233]

You're not ruining the relationship- they are.
There are so many wonderful people out there.
They are MEAN.
£10 maximum
They can say what they like (never look a gift horse in the mouth etc)
I'd rather give the money to charity/ food bank.
At least it would be appreciated.

[Quitelikeit]

Op

this is very easy.

hi aunt xxx, just to let you know we will not be doing Xmas gifts anymore. Looking forward to seeing you guys soon. Saw that snow is due brrrr a white Xmas would be nice! Xx

[GrumpyPanda]

They do get us presents but for the last 5 + years myself and DH always the same bottle of high street perfume, its a nice gift and I really do appreciate it but it isn't really my scent (I never complain or say anything other than thank you very much).

That's bonkers. So what do you do with all these perfume bottles, regift them? Swap them for the scent you actually use? If this is an example of your relationship with the in-laws I'm not surprised they're walking all over you. If you like the idea of perfume as a gift,what's keeping you from telling them which one you'd actually like, and use?

[anxiouself]

@GrumpyPanda I agree, it is completely bonkers! I know someone that does like this perfume so give it to them to use. Usually we just go for a meal before Christmas so we exchange gifts at the end and open them at home on Christmas day so no chance to say we don't like it. We have told them we aren't going to do presents but she always says "well I am."

[Robin233]

@anxiouself

We have told them we aren't going to do presents but she always says "well I am."

^^^^^

Well that's absolutely fine.
They are 'allowed' to do presents
And you are 'allowed' to NOT do presents.
You're told them.
It's not tit for tat.
Give to receive rubbish.
In fact this year I've already bought myself 2 presents I know I'll like.
It doesn't matter.
Christmas is the time of good will not guilt tripping - which makes you feel awful.
Celebrate in a uplifting and positive way.
You're a long time dead.
A friend always does Christmas Day at the homeless shelter.
Not saying you have to do that but it's a time to celebrate life, enjoy good food and good company

[SillySausage81]

My god, I can't imagine being so RUDE!!!

I agree with a pp - vouchers for the kids and something generic (box of roses, bottles of wine) for the adults. If they complain say "well you always complain about what we choose, and it's actually quite hurtful, so we thought this way we can't go wrong."

If they call you tight, say "we're not tight, we're just not as well off as you, yet we still have to spend more in total on you because there's more of you." If they ignore that just keep repeating it like a broken record. Any normal person would be shamed into shutting up by those comments, and if they're not, then rest assured that THEY are the ones harming the relationship, not you.