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Original poster

Dad doesn’t seem to want to spend Xmas with us?

22 replies

Anonymous7892 · 10/11/2022 11:33

Hi hope you are all ok. This is my first time posting on here and just wanted to get people’s opinions / advice please 🙏

My mum passed away in 2016 and my dad has moved on and been with his girlfriend for the last 2 years. Last year he couldn’t spend Xmas with us because of COVID. This year will be our son’s first Christmas, and we also have a 5 y/o daughter.

We have asked my dad what his plans are for Xmas and said how much we would love to spend it with him especially with the kids etc and also offered his girlfriend to come too as we all get on. However my dad won’t make a decision about Christmas and told us to plan what we are doing and once his girlfriend figures out what she is doing he will let us know - but will defo see us on Xmas day for an hour or so.

To me it seems like he’s waiting to see what his girlfriend plans are and then will fit us in around that. Am I right to be upset and hurt about this or am I over reacting? It feels like we aren't a priority which is obviously very upsetting. I’m in two minds whether to speak with him about it….

Any advise / opinions would be greatly appreciated as I’m quite torn - thank you x

OP posts:
mam0918 · 10/11/2022 12:34

I don't really get the whole 'everyone gathering for xmas' thing myself, its my idea of hell and shy of a fire or some other disaster I am not leaving my house on xmas day - maybe your dad just feels the same.

For me Xmas is for nuclear family - just me, DH and the kids.

Beamur · 10/11/2022 12:39

Don't make this into a competition between you and his gf.
In his position I would also do my partner the courtesy of finding out their plans and having a discussion about that before committing to go anywhere.
He's said he will see you on the day. Enjoy the time you spend together even if it's not all day.

Harrysnippleno3 · 10/11/2022 12:45

Am I right to be upset and hurt about this or am I over reacting?

A complete over reaction. Your dad is allowed to spend Christmas with whoever he wants. He has probably made his decision but is trying to pacify you by saying just go ahead and make your plans.

You mention it is your sonde first Christmas, that's true it is YOUR son, his grandchild, so you focus on your sons first Christmas and you can see you dad another time?

Newwardrobe · 10/11/2022 12:50

It feels like we aren't a priority which is obviously very upsetting

His girlfriends family would feel the same if the tables were turned. Someone always cops the hump at Christmas over who visits who .

Keepitrealnomists · 10/11/2022 12:58

My dad never bother with us or GC at Christmas or any other time of the year. Everyone is put ahead of us, we enjoy our small family Xmas without any drama.

EL8888 · 10/11/2022 13:08

People can spend Christmas how they want. But he is rude to in effect keeping you dangling. I would give him a deadline to decide by, if no response then assume he will just pop in on Christmas Day

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 10/11/2022 13:10

I’m in two minds whether to speak with him about it….

Please don't. He isn't a five year old to be told off because he isn't doing what you want.

Snoken · 10/11/2022 13:10

mam0918 · 10/11/2022 12:34

I don't really get the whole 'everyone gathering for xmas' thing myself, its my idea of hell and shy of a fire or some other disaster I am not leaving my house on xmas day - maybe your dad just feels the same.

For me Xmas is for nuclear family - just me, DH and the kids.

Really, even in OP’s situation? Imagine your kids being grown up with their own families, only doing nuclear family Christmas, your DH has passed away, that leaves you with nobody. I really dislike how many people exclude others at Christmas just because they haven’t given birth to them. It’s so far from the Christmas spirit.

OP, just keep the invitation open to your dad and girlfriend, he has said he will come and see you on the day, just not what time. There is another month and a half left to go so it’s not even last minute.

Brefugee · 10/11/2022 13:13

You're overreacting as people often do at Christmas.
What is your dad's GF's situation? does she have her own children or people she might want to spend Christmas with?

It really doesn't matter if it is The Day, or another day, though, surely? So why not say "Boxing day or 27th would be good if that makes timings easier"

itmustbemyage · 10/11/2022 13:21

Why not invite them to come on another day, say Christmas Eve or Boxing Day less pressure makes for a more relaxed day and the children can open their presents from them when they see them ( assuming there are presents). My son and his partner prefer to have Christmas morning at home with my grandchildren and go to their other grandparents in the afternoon, so we plan another day and have a second “Christmas Day” then and invite other family members to share in the fun as well. When my kids were little we always saw the in-laws on Christmas Eve, spent Christmas Day just us as a family and spent Boxing Day with my extended family. More Christmas what’s not to like!

Original poster
Anonymous7892 · 10/11/2022 13:23

Thank you - she has two brothers that she will be spending Christmas Day with

OP posts:
mam0918 · 10/11/2022 13:50

Snoken · 10/11/2022 13:10

Really, even in OP’s situation? Imagine your kids being grown up with their own families, only doing nuclear family Christmas, your DH has passed away, that leaves you with nobody. I really dislike how many people exclude others at Christmas just because they haven’t given birth to them. It’s so far from the Christmas spirit.

OP, just keep the invitation open to your dad and girlfriend, he has said he will come and see you on the day, just not what time. There is another month and a half left to go so it’s not even last minute.

Show quote history

My family has always done it this way for generations, I HOPE my children to grow up and settle in their own nuclear family... I dont WANT to be dragged out or hosted, many old people don't.

OP isn't excluding her dad anyway HE is choosing not to go which proves the point... maybe try not to shame something just because you cant get your head around the fact that not everyone is co-dependant social butterflies.

VeruccaSalty · 10/11/2022 13:53

I understand why you are hurt, your mum is gone and it feels like your dad would rather spend time with his new girlfriend than your family. I would feel the same as you. But, you know, your dad probably is worried being alone as he gets older, while you have your own family around you, so his relationship is important to him and he needs to find a balance between yous. I would give him a little while to sort his plans out. Like someone else said, Christmas is a while off yet and you can still do lots of fun Christmassy things in the days surrounding.

Harrysnippleno3 · 10/11/2022 13:54

Imagine your kids being grown up with their own families, only doing nuclear family Christmas,

This is how we chose to do our Christmas when we had children. There is absolutely Otho g wrong with doing so.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/11/2022 13:55

I think that it is fine and normal for him to make a decision in conjunction with his partner. I wonder if he may prefer a quiet christmas and be making an excuse. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you all very much, just that your ideas of a nice christmas are different.

GettingStuffed · 10/11/2022 19:18

Since my mum died dad doesn't want to come to us for Christmas, he just goes to my sister's for lunch as she's only a 10 minutes drive away and were about an hour and a half. He's never really liked Christmas, as an ex junior school teacher I think he got all Christmased out years ago

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/11/2022 19:21

I think that he should prioritize you and your family over his girlfriend, on Christmas Day. Surely they aren't so co-dependent that they can't spend the day separately with their respective families.

It's nice of you to be so welcoming. And sorry about your mom.

notacooldad · 10/11/2022 19:25

People can spend Christmas how they want. But he is rude to in effect keeping you dangling
What's the urgency with a decision, its only the middle of November. We haven't even thought of whats happening yet except that I fancy going away for New Year.

Ragwort · 10/11/2022 19:42

A lot of people -old or not- really don't enjoy being part of a noisy, busy, family Christmas (see threads about the 'magic' of opening presents Hmm), ... a peaceful day in adult company, nice food and drink can seem much more appealing. I would hate to have the 'duty' invite as a grandparent.

SlowlySilverSighting · 11/12/2022 05:43

I hate Christmas, the pressure of buying all the gifts, the arguments amongst our older adult children, spoiling the day for the younger ones, having my Mum every year, as my siblings don’t.
Heartily sick of it, and have never enjoyed it, even as a child, when we never spent Christmas at home.
The pressure of the bloody big meal.
Hate it all

Cruisebabe1 · 18/12/2022 15:35

SlowlySilverSighting · 11/12/2022 05:43

I hate Christmas, the pressure of buying all the gifts, the arguments amongst our older adult children, spoiling the day for the younger ones, having my Mum every year, as my siblings don’t.
Heartily sick of it, and have never enjoyed it, even as a child, when we never spent Christmas at home.
The pressure of the bloody big meal.
Hate it all

100% this, I had an in law that wanted to know xmas plans as early as March! I think she was worried that she would be left on her own . I don’t why she thought that I hosted her every year until she passed away.

BCBird · 18/12/2022 15:37

I would not expect to be his priority if I were in yiur shoes. Sorry. U probably don't want to hear that

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