How can I help to make Christmas more bearable?

[PinkyBrain853]

A bit of a strange one but I know that I am not alone here! My mother passed away when my sister and I were in our teens and ever since then she has utterly despised Christmas (she didn’t pass at Christmas, but it’s the connection with family and reminded she isn’t here that gets to her). I had a boyfriend (who I’m now married to/expecting with) so my bereavement and general time processing the death was very different for me. I moved away whereas her and my dad stayed in the family house and have not really made any Christmas effort or decorated the house since. This year, my husband & I bought the house and my dad moved away, however my sister still resides with us while she is saving for a deposit (it’s a big enough house and we all have our own space/she has a separate living space too).

I don’t want to force her to “enjoy” Christmas, and I also know I can’t make her enjoy it - my question is, does anyone have any nice suggestions for what I could do to make the festive period a little more bearable for her? We are going to decorate the house as we always would, so not sure if actually this WILL perk her up ever so slightly. I don’t mean being all festive and in her face, but nice touches/thoughtful things I could maybe do to help her through the back end of the year? Already have wee things planned like getting her an advent (maybe sounds silly as she is in her 20s, but my mum got us advents even when we were probably “too old” and nobody has gotten her one since). Any advice/experience welcome x

Just do your thing and leave her join in if she wishes, I think if you try she will only dislike it more.

Give her the opportunity to keep busy and occupied, especially if she’s an over-thinker. That being said, make sure she has a Christmas-free haven (for example, maybe don’t decorate the upstairs) where she can retreat if it all gets too much.
Do Christmassy activities away from the house, and try to do ones that you didn’t used to do as a family when your mother was still with you. That way, it minimises the chances of her making connections with family and always remembering your Mum isn’t there. Make new memories and new traditions.

I agree with PPs, and also I think you should reconsider the Advent Calendar idea this year. Decorate a bit, do your own thing, enjoy Christmas in your home, but don’t pull your DSis into participating if she isn’t comfortable doing so. Giving her a calendar REQUIRES a response from her (at minimum, reaching over to take it and saying thank you) and could back-fire, especially if this was something special your mother did.

Try to give her space. I hope she will choose to celebrate with you, but if she doesn’t you will have respected her feelings.

Tbh I'm a lot like your sister (my dm passed away when I was 17), I don't like Christmas at all (never really did either) but go through the motions because I have my own children (now adults) I also have the added "joy" of my birthday being Christmas Day.
I had hoped that once the dc were grown, I could just stop and ignore Christmas and my birthday. But the adult dc wanted to celebrate my birthday and now I have grandchildren too so I'm stuck in going through the motions.
There is nothing you can do to make Christmas better for your sister I don't think however much you try. The forced jollity makes me want to scream with frustration tbh. I think it would be kinder to let your sister ignore it all and spend the day as she chooses, it's something that I hope might happen here one day

You need to do Christmas your way, especially now you are expecting. You can't force your sister to join in but you should do what you want to do and enjoy your day.

In the nicest possible way, she shoulnt be bringing your day down. I'm not saying she shouldn't remember your mum on the day, neither should you but the day should not be about her and her feelings.

This

Avoid any expectation that something you can do will 'perk her up' even a little bit. Even if you think you are hiding it, she will know it is there.

Do your own thing. Be welcoming if she joins in otherwise leave her to it.

Thanks all - I don’t know anyone else who struggles with Christmas the way she does, so it is good to have input and feedback from people who feel similar. I wasn’t going to try and make it all jolly for her or anything, but it makes me sad that she struggles so much over the Christmas period as she deserves to be happy. I will leave her to do her own thing and just support her if she asks for it x

I would talk to her in advance, tell her you’re planning to decorate and mark the day and ask her whether she’d like to be involved.

I was similar OP...my dad passed away in my early teens, and after that Christmas was very much 'tainted'. My DM was never strong enough to try and do Christmas in a different way or try and create new traditions, so each year limped on with minimal decorations or fuss or fun, it always felt sad and somehow inferior and I grew to hate it. I've only enjoyed it as an adult once I got married in my late 30s and felt I had somewhere I really belonged at Christmas and where I could start my own ways of doing things. So basically 25 years of hating and avoiding Christmas!

I do wonder if your dad's lack of effort after your mum's death has impacted her in a similar way? It sounds like you were both still quite young and perhaps she needed someone to take the lead a bit more to allow her to enjoy herself and create new happy memories, if that makes sense?

My advice would be to try and do things as differently as possible to what your mum would have done, and let her know she's welcome to join in as much or as little as she likes. Make the house cosy and low key festive, get nice food and drinks in, but not in a way that screams CHRISTMAS in her face. It must be especially hard for her never having left the home where she lived with your mum, the ghost of Christmas past is probably very real for her. I think the advent calendar is a lovely idea, perhaps you could ask her if there is anything she would like to do just the two of you together to remember your mum?