AIBU? Not wanting to spent Christmas with my parents

[LololaLo2012]

me and my husband have three children (6, 4 and 2 years) we have spent the previous Christmas’s alternating between our families.

Back story. My family live a 3 hour drive away which we are more than happy to travel down to most school holidays with my parent coming in the middle of the term time. So we basically see them ever 3 weeks. I personally think it this is lovely and we all make a strong effort and I am more that happy with the amount we see each other.

My mother on the other hand is constantly making digs that we need to go to her more. I have explained with 2 children at school, children's actives and birthday parties and myself now back to working 2 days a week it’s too much to do on a Friday and return on a Sunday. Obviously if there is some special happening we would see how we feel and make the right decision for ourselves and the children. Like my sister 30th - we made the trip!

My mum brought up Christmas in about July! 😮 asking where we are going to be for Christmas and process to tell me that it’s “her” year!!!

I didn’t know what the plan was yet… talked to my husband and we agreed that we go this year and that this would our last year to go anywhere! That means his family as well. (They are lovely and basically say do whatever makes you and the kids happy)

I said it it a nice way, like we will come this year and going forward we will be at home etc. I explained it’s actually quite hard packing a car with all the stuff needed etc… my daughter is hoping for a bike!
and we want to start making memories in our own home… (we are having a kitchen extension next year!!).
nice for the kids to have a full day chilled at home…

We will have a open door at ours on Christmas’s going forward after this year.

Well my mum hit the roof!!! Saying… I just don’t understand why you don’t want to come here EVER again. You can make memories in MY house… then completely shifting gears… me and your dad and going to go away from Christmas after this one… we think Christmas is too commercial…. 🙄

I do understand it must be hard living 3 hours from your grandchildren but I honestly think seeing them every 3 week for 3 days is pretty good effort!

I also, understand about why she is upset about Christmas to a point but it’s not like I’ve said I don’t want to see her! They can stay Christmas Eve/day take it in turns with other family. And the kid will get older and we may come to them in the next 10 years!

Sorry for the rant! My mum just brought it back up today and it starting to piss me off. I don’t want to be rude/blunt but I see no other way!!

I'd be inclined to start the new regime this year, given that response

From 3yo to about 17yo your children want to be at home for Christmas. They want to open their toys, play with them, hang out in their jimjams and watch Dr Who. Put your foot down? You can go and visit people on Boxing Day.

Mumsnet is such a good source of info on how not to be a douche of a grandmother/ mil.
I am going to start taking notes.

I also agree about having Christmas at home this year.

We live 2.5 hours from my parents and don’t manage to see them as much as you so I’m quite impressed! My mum gets it that it’s a long way for just one night so doesn’t mind coming to us more.
we also said the same thing about Christmas after our second child was born and both sides completely understood and I think my mum was a bit relieved to hand over hosting

Somehow many in grandparent generation often forgets that they only started being the host because their parents passed the torch.

It is likely time to transition to something new that works for the next generation of young children.

Agree Christmas at home. We’ve only ever not spent one Christmas at home and that was only because my DF died.

I refuse to drag my DCs away from their home Christmas Day, if people want to come here fine but Christmas Day all about my DCs, no one else.

I am so happy my parents, once I had children, said ‘if you want to stay at home for Christmas we’ll be more than happy to come to you or see you at some point over Christmas’. They really were amazing, so long as they saw us at some point over the two week Christmas period they were happy, definitely good role models for me as my children are grown up now. My in laws were the same so Christmas was harmonious.

My husband doesn't drive, so obviously all down to me, his parents live 1.5 hours away, not so bad, but enough that after our first christmas with our first baby (she was about 8 months) I said no more. Christmas Day is in our house. End of. I refuse to spend that much time driving, packing up unreasonably amounts of things, rushing to open anything.

We go to my parents (who live in walking distance) before for a day, usually the 23rd so we have have a smooth christmas eve with all the preparation it requires. Christmas day is just ours, then we go to my inlaws boxing day and sleep over so they get more time with the children.

My FIL lives 2.5 hours away and we saw him last time in January. Your mum is being silly with requests of visiting them every 3 weeks for 3 days. If she wants to go away next year, good for her. She's trying to blackmail you, so you'll feel sorry for her and cave.

Exactly, @Ponderingwindow .
Do what suits you, OP, you know your Mum is being unreasonable. It’s so much easier for two adults to drive three hours than a family of five. Or they can go away if they wish.

Christmas at home and remind her the road goes both ways. Alternative invites for her and ils? And have the 3rd year by yourselves in your own home. Your dc will really appreciate a year with their own stuff around them imo!
She has every year in her one home tell her. Why shouldn't you if you wish?

It is incredibly lovely to have all your children together under one roof once they have all grown up and left home, so I do understand where she us coming from.
I think what would have been better would have been to say we are going to try Christmas at home next year rather than we are never ever coming again.

I need to check we are not the same person as this sounds like my mother you are talking about !!!

NOTHING you ever do will be good enough/long enough full stop. Even if you lived right next door, she would still be complaining about something. This is just an easy stick to beat you with, because you are depriving her of her grandchildren etc etc etc etc because you moved so far away. She is never going to stop saying this, I have so far listened to this on repeat for nearly twelve years.

When we lived close by, the joke is we barely saw them!

It comes from the most selfish, self obsessed me me me position. Your mother is not thinking about you, or the children or how exhausting it is for you every Christmas. Nope, she is thinking about herself. They could easily come to you every year and take the pressure off, but your mother chooses to be difficult instead.

Stop trying to appease her, make it clear what you can and can not do, and leave her to stew. She enjoys the attention and drama this creates, and also making you feel bad and not measuring up in some way. If it was not this, it would be something else. It is a toxic relationship where she forces herself to be the victim and you are the cause of all her anguish (the persecutor)
Refuse to play is the only way out.
Just be factual, unemotional and move on.
Look up the drama triangle to get a better idea of the dynamics between you.

I think you are already seeing far too much of them, I couldn't commit to that time frame with three children. You are doing more than enough, so just relax. Agree Christmas is commercial and ask her where is travelling to next year, it sounds great and say no more about it. And carry on with your own plans. Next year she will start moaning again, and I am pretty sure she won't be going away every Christmas, but if she wants to, great, two less to cook for and more time to enjoy your children. Win win!

You are doing a fantastic job of connecting with your parents. She has reacted because she is hurting.....we all do it. It sometimes takes a few days to even realise it. Life is changing... specifically Christmas and that can be hard. It could be a good idea to just say that it's hard to come to terms with life's changes and that you are not trying to reject her. Think of some ways you can use the Christmas period to connect with them and suggest them to her

I got as far as reading your opening post op and then @ImperfectAlf had the best response.

Just say to your mother (and she will probably whinge and cry to all the relatives and burn their ears off asking them to have a word with you - that'll be the flying monkeys you hear about so often on MN), that based on her carry on when you said that this year would be the last one for you to travel on, you've reconsidered and actually last year was the last one.
You're going to start a new tradition for you and your children so they can have Christmas in their own home from this Christmas and you're not going to reconsider. If you wanted to, you could visit them (but stay elsewhere, nearby) in the few days between Christmas and New Year but I wouldn't be mentioning that to them at this stage. That would be a 'keep in your back pocket' type surprise visit.

With children at 6, 4 and 2 you need to put your foot down and say it's Christmas at your home from now on, all and any welcome to join.

Dd 23 mooted with trepidation her first Christmas away from her father and I this year, as much as I don't want that I'm pushing her to choose to go and make her own memories.

Anything else would be selfish in my book.

She has reacted because she is hurting.....we all do it

We don't all do it, what a sweeping assumption! Many of us are caring and considerate of our children and do not issue demands and tantrum when they can't be accommodated.

Did you spend your childhood Christmases with your grandparents/away from home?

Why can't they visit you?

Your dm is being unreasonable, I'd start from this year doing your own family Christmas.
My dd is TTC and I've already told her when she has a baby she should do her own family Christmas and not invite anyone including me.
I speak from years of experience trying to keep everyone happy.
I ended up hosting for years with an open door policy so I could have Christmas in my own home but eventually it got to the point where I could be hosting for up to 16 guests, it was exhausting and led to me dreading/hating Christmas.
I'd stay at home if I were you but beware of the open door policy

This. You’re only prolonging it. Your mother is being ridiculous.

ImperfectAlf
I'd be inclined to start the new regime this year, given that response

This. You’re only prolonging it. Your mother is being ridiculous.

Absolutely. Tell her she is right and you will be at home for Christmas from now on.

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We used to rush around over Christmas, no more. It's bliss.

Just do Christmas in your own house this year with you, DH and DCs- it's far nicer, no travel hassle, you get to do exactly what you want. Do not be dragged into promises about future years etc. If your parents want to make other plans of course then no issue there - it's problem solved.

Yanbu and her ridiculous tantrums would make me want to see her much less often. Don't give in.

Gosh I’ve only read the first section of your post & I’m already thinking grab a turkey & stop home this year; if your Dm can’t see how hard it is travelling with three kids & all their gifts then she’s very narrow minded; Christmas is for the children; not granny who wants everything her way; she’s being ridiculous & behaving outrageously; she needs to be grateful you’ve done this hike for as long as you have. Stick to your guns & if she doesn’t like it tough luck !!