Secret Santa- good idea?

abovedecknotbelow · 07/09/2022 12:43

Sorry I don't think that's fair at all.

User354354 · 07/09/2022 12:47

No. Not at all fair. She will end up spending more than if she just did token family gifts.

Chickenwing2 · 07/09/2022 12:53

Do secret santa for the adults, and kids get separately

Original poster

Devo1818 · 07/09/2022 12:56

Yeah I think you're right, thank you.
Adults only could be a good shout- but trying to remember last year as I think everyone only bought for MiL and FiL and the kids. We bought couple gifts but I think we were the only ones so will leave it at that I think.

OP posts:

mam0918 · 08/09/2022 19:55

Devo1818 · 07/09/2022 12:40

DH side of the family are having a big get together between Christmas and New year. Normally we might do a couple present like a bottle of wine plus gifts for kids. As all the kids are older now except my 2, we give them all money - £10 each.

Family is:
Mil & Fil
BIL 1 + SIL, 1 son age 13
SIL 2 + BiL, 4 sons age 18-10
Me and DH, DD6 and DS4.

Thinking that we all select a person and then the person my kids select I will buy for. But that means that SiL will effectively be buying for her person, and her 4 x kids person as well as, let's face it, her DH's person.

Not sure if it's worth suggesting...

Why would she be buying on behalf of multiple adults?

Just because they have a y chromosome doesnt mean you have to pander to them.

I started going off alone to buy gifts for people at 14, absoloutly no reason a male child cant do the same and its a disservice to them to raise them thinking 'why should I bother a woman will do it for me'.

I can see her maybe having to take the younger 10 year old out to choose something but her DH and certainly the 18 year old etc... can sort theirselves out.

Original poster

Devo1818 · 09/09/2022 19:23

They would but its the money. All of them are in full time education so she would end up paying for the gifts

OP posts:

mam0918 · 10/09/2022 08:18

Devo1818 · 09/09/2022 19:23

They would but its the money. All of them are in full time education so she would end up paying for the gifts

I was in full time education at 14 and paid for my own gifts to people... its a BASIC life skill.

Your telling me these teens including an 18 year old have ZERO money, never had pocket money, money gifted, interest from saving, saving of their own, money for chores/odd jobs, EMA etc...

So they just sit in the house all day and and 18 year old wouldnt even be able to go to the shops to buy a can of pop on his own?

Non of the can walk their ass to poundland/homebargains/B&M etc... and find a little something for their aunt or grandma or whoever?

As I said you do them a massive disservice doing this stuff for them, being thoughtful and understanding two way social traditions and interatction instead of expecting a one way flow is a basic social and life skill they need to learn.

DialsMavis · 10/09/2022 08:21

We do adult secret santa for DHs side with DH's family but just the adults. We spend about £50pp and it means everyone gets one decent present and each family saves money. Its great.

We usually sneak MIL an extra gift as she is lovely, and I am sure SIL does too

DialsMavis · 10/09/2022 08:27

DS has been buying gifts for family since he was about 11, initially we gave him some ££ and everyone got a v small token gift, but sonce he was about 17 and had a pt job then job and student loan he gets everyone lovely stuff, still small (£10ish I imagine for close family and prob less for wider family, as he has 2 families with oodles of step grandparents and half siblings) but super thoughtful. He can be a selfish little shit, but we felt this was a really important life skill and presented it as an expectation rather than a wish. I would be so embarrassed if he ended up being a useless bloke who left it all to his partner

Original poster

Devo1818 · 10/09/2022 09:48

mam0918 · 10/09/2022 08:18

I was in full time education at 14 and paid for my own gifts to people... its a BASIC life skill.

Your telling me these teens including an 18 year old have ZERO money, never had pocket money, money gifted, interest from saving, saving of their own, money for chores/odd jobs, EMA etc...

So they just sit in the house all day and and 18 year old wouldnt even be able to go to the shops to buy a can of pop on his own?

Non of the can walk their ass to poundland/homebargains/B&M etc... and find a little something for their aunt or grandma or whoever?

As I said you do them a massive disservice doing this stuff for them, being thoughtful and understanding two way social traditions and interatction instead of expecting a one way flow is a basic social and life skill they need to learn.

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Alright - I can't change how her family is. It's not up to me to teach them is it? She would buy on behalf of her 4 kids. She would. Its just a fact.
Also her 18 year old can't go to the shop by himself to be honest but that's besides the point.

OP posts:

Original poster

Devo1818 · 10/09/2022 09:49

DialsMavis · 10/09/2022 08:21

We do adult secret santa for DHs side with DH's family but just the adults. We spend about £50pp and it means everyone gets one decent present and each family saves money. Its great.

We usually sneak MIL an extra gift as she is lovely, and I am sure SIL does too

That's a nice idea and what I was going for really, one decent gift rather than several little bits. I might suggest adult SS. Or maybe we will just buy for kids and parents.

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Original poster

Devo1818 · 10/09/2022 09:51

DialsMavis · 10/09/2022 08:27

DS has been buying gifts for family since he was about 11, initially we gave him some ££ and everyone got a v small token gift, but sonce he was about 17 and had a pt job then job and student loan he gets everyone lovely stuff, still small (£10ish I imagine for close family and prob less for wider family, as he has 2 families with oodles of step grandparents and half siblings) but super thoughtful. He can be a selfish little shit, but we felt this was a really important life skill and presented it as an expectation rather than a wish. I would be so embarrassed if he ended up being a useless bloke who left it all to his partner

That's all great but it's not my family - it's my SiL's family. How she raises her sons is none of my business. They will not do Christmas shopping themselves so it's a moot point.

OP posts:

mam0918 · 10/09/2022 10:33

Devo1818 · 10/09/2022 09:51

That's all great but it's not my family - it's my SiL's family. How she raises her sons is none of my business. They will not do Christmas shopping themselves so it's a moot point.

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Well I cant have sympathy for people who entirely create the issue themselves.

If she doesnt want to raised her kids to have the most basic of decency and life skills then the consciquences of that are entirely on her not you or anyone else.

Don't pander to it.