Am I weird to feel this way about gifts

[Christmaswaste]

I sometimes get this horrible guilt type feeling when I'm given a gift that's not to my taste/ that I won't ever use. I think it is because I hate the idea of waste. If I regift items or give them to charity I still feel bad as I feel I'm being ungrateful towards the person who bought the gift.

For example, it's my baby's first Christmas. Me and DH bought some Christmas slippers and a Christmas outfit. It did cross my mind that it was a bit of a waste as DC will only get a little bit of use out of them but with it being their first and us being a bit excited we bought them. We told our parents what we bought.

We've opened a Christmas Eve gift for DC from my Pil. Although it's lovely and thoughtful, they've got DC Christmas slippers and a Christmas outfit and I've got that weird feeling I get. I don't feel that they've stolen a Christmas first or anything like that, I just feel it is a waste. I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but now we've got two outfits that DC won't get much use of.

It's just an example, I've felt this way loads of times. I felt bad when I got given a pricey bag from a relative as it was totally not my taste and I knew I would not use it. I sometimes wear it when I see them so they think I like it but I felt guilty they had spent their money on me.

Am I just weird or does anyone else ever feel like this?

Yes, I feel like that too. It's one reason that I would actually wish that people would buy nothing if they are not absolutely sure that it's something that is wanted/needed - because I feel so guilty about the waste when it's something that won't get use.

In my case I suspect it's due to my upbringing. We never got anything new until the old thing had fallen to bits. DH bought me a new pair of slippers for Christmas because there is a hole in the bottom of my current ones, most of the lining has disintegrated and there is a large rip down the side of one slipper. And even the I feel guilty throwing them out because I can still get them on my feet and they sort of serve their purpose (DH bless him said quite clearly he'd bought my slippers to replace my current one at whatever point I feel they are too worn be used any more).

@babouchette

I feel this way too. Over the years I have learnt to tell myself that gifts serve a short-term purpose: to enable the giver to make a nice gesture that shows their love of the receiver. That is the real point of a present, and once that has been achieved there is no shame or waste if the gift itself goes to the charity shop or on Freecycle or whatever.

It is hard though. The waste of money really gets to me.

Yes, I think that's the bit I struggle with. I always thought gifts should be about the recipient, but actually they are more about the giver.

I probably used to feel the same way but nowadays we don't do presents for grown ups any more so I don't feel it anymore. It's freeing. One less thing on my mind.

I don't feel guilt but I am really irritated at requesting no chocolate or alcohol and receiving tonnes of both, so now I have to get rid of it, however I choose. 🙄
It's the feeling of not being listened to that pisses me off. I feel it's a control thing by the givers in this case - 'I WILL buy you the stuff you expressly stated you didn't want...'

This has been a bit of a shit Xmas for this tbh. I didn't want 'stuff' as am downsizing and ended up with things I neither want or need

So frustrating.

I feel like this too.
I remember coming home from my parents' house one Christmas Day with a huge box of gifts and looking at them in despair wondering what to do with most of them.

DH and I don't do gifts and I've scaled back with friends (my mutual agreement) Sadly, my immediate family won't do this so I ask for practical stuff that I would have purchased anyway or food stuff.

Conversely I love buying gifts for people - but do go to a lot of effort to get (what I hope) are things they will love and use.

@babouchette

I feel this way too. Over the years I have learnt to tell myself that gifts serve a short-term purpose: to enable the giver to make a nice gesture that shows their love of the receiver. That is the real point of a present, and once that has been achieved there is no shame or waste if the gift itself goes to the charity shop or on Freecycle or whatever.

It is hard though. The waste of money really gets to me.

I like this philosophy @babouchette

Yes, I have felt that way. There has been an element of annoyance as well when relatives have over the years bought things for my dd which have been totally unsuitable. Such a waste.

Oh 100%. I'm an absolute nightmare to buy for as I'm really fussy and I feel terribly ungrateful every year. I hate waste so I'm already looking at my pile of presents trying to figure out how I can recycle/regift/donate things to take away some of the guilt. My Christmas would be significantly happier without the present-giving tradition.

I don't think you are weird for thinking as you do, and I sometimes feel the same but I certainly wouldn't want to give up on presents entirely just because sometimes the gifts are a waste for the first recipient (who then passes it on to someone else/charity shop etc).

The times when the gift is something I would never have thought to buy and is wonderful, make up for all the ones that aren't for me.

I just try to reduce waste elsewhere and pass on the stuff I don't want to people who will get value out if it.

I totally get this - I get a horrible feeling in my stomach whenever anyone hands me a gift, and it's even worse when I have to open it in front of the giver.

The only person I like receiving gifts from is my DH, simply because we literally send each other lists of a few items we would like and the other choses from that ie there's always an element of surprise but it's always something you explicitly wanted.

My mum is quite bad for this - we live in a different country so she doesn't see the kids regularly and know what they have, what they are into etc. But rather than ask, she choses stuff herself and we frequently end up with duplicate gifts (this year we got the same Lego set three times) or clothes that are far too small (and can't be returned as they were bought in a different country)

I've worked out that it helps to deal with it quickly - the more it's all in my line of sight, the worse it is. Clothes get quickly put in the charity clothing bin in my community. Toys either get donated or exchanged where possible. General tat goes straight in the bin (sorry)

But yeah, I hate it and would happily forego the whole thing.

Just reframe it - someone else will be thrilled to find it in a charity shop.

Not all gifts can hit the spot - that’s not your fault or the givers, so no need for any guilt. Do you feel a lot of guilt generally? If so try and ditch it, it’s a pointless emotion.

Thankfully, I don't get that feeling very often nowadays, as I've made everyone aware that I don't want any gifts from anyone for birthdays or Christmas.

I dislike presents because it can be a reminder that certain people either don't know you at all or can't be arsed to think about what you'd really like. It's not about money, it's about the thought.

My husband did really well this year and showed that he gets me. My parents not so much.

@Luredbyapomegranate

Just reframe it - someone else will be thrilled to find it in a charity shop.

Not all gifts can hit the spot - that’s not your fault or the givers, so no need for any guilt. Do you feel a lot of guilt generally? If so try and ditch it, it’s a pointless emotion.

I can often feel guilt, you're totally right, it is a pointless emotion and I'm working on it.

Just responding generally to everyone's thoughts, I'm not necessarily totally against gift giving, I think it is linked to a feeling of waste. The Christmas outfit was just a recent example. If I knew PIL were going to buy a Christmas outfit I wouldn't have bought ours because I would have felt it unnecessary and my thought process is very much like I've wasted money on something that wasn't needed which could have been put towards something else instead.

I'm also used to using items till they either break or start to fall apart before I'd think to buy a new one. My PIL and one or two relatives like to shop and will replace items that are still newish/still working with a newer version. There's nothing wrong with that at all it's just different to what I do.

I don't ever feel gifts have to be perfect or anything like that. I'm pretty easy to buy for. It's when I know someone I love has spent a lot on something but it has completely missed the mark.

Literally my brain goes, aww how nice of x to have bought that, I feel awful that I really don't like it/won't use it, I can't tell them as they've put a lot of thought into it and it will hurt their feelings, they really didn't need to spend so much, I'd have been happy with a box of chocolates/wine. I'll feel awful giving it away as they've bought it for me and if they find out it will make them feel bad.

God my brain is exhausting haha!

I like suggestions that I need to reframe my thoughts around gifts.

I feel it less at birthdays as it's a lot more specific to you, the event your celebrating. But I feel it loads at Christmas, I hate the idea of getting things for the sake of it because it's Christmas and it's what people do

It's been great reading everyone's opinions and knowing it's not just me