Christmas weight of responsibility on my shoulders

[KewMummy87]

I’m posting here for help - would love any ideas and wisdom…

I’m on my own with two primary aged children. We only have one relative who is in a care home (we will visit on Christmas Day).

The presents are (mainly) wrapped but the tree isn’t up and there are no declarations. (Tree is in garden waiting to come in).

I’m feeling swamped, very sad and in desperate need of help to move some things around to get the tree in. I think in all honesty, I’m probably depressed and it all feels so huge. This stuff wouldn’t normally phase me. I used to love Christmas. I cried so much yesterday that I feel really unwell this morning.

It’s so sad and hard being the only adult. I’d love a Christmas lunch but my children hate every bit of a traditional Christmas lunch so why bother. It’s soul destroying making things that only I will bother to eat. What’s the point.

I know I have to be ok for the children to enjoy Christmas but I feel so low. It’s such a struggle at the moment.

So tell me - what should I do? What should I prioritise?

The Christmas that tv sells us with extended family is illusive to us. There is no family. My children would love it if there were. So would I.

Be gentle, please. I’m feeling so fragile. Also, because of being careful, some of the presents I would normally get from friends haven’t arrived (meet ups were cancelled). I have two presents and it’s fine, it’s about the children, but I miss having my own parents to love me and buy me things. It’s part of my grief - realising that there’s no one I can say “I’d love new kitchen scissors for Christmas!” The intimacy of being able to ask for something specific is much missed.

Sorry this is so long.

Honey, you know what I would do? Get on the phone to your friend and say, "next year let's do a waifs and strays Christmas in Turkey.!" (Or whatever). Start to plan something fun to look forward to next year.

Hi OP

Have a virtual hug from me.

I’m also on my own with two primary children ( one with SEN so tricky) - I’m finding this year like I’m all out of positivity too. It is really hard and lonely being the only adult on Christmas Day - I’m also dreading the day, for me particularly in the evening when they go to bed and it’s just me. I also get that feeling of responsibility and the day just feeling a bit of a chore.

If you don’t want to do the tree then don’t - however I suspect you might feel a bit better if you get that out of the way? Can you just do very basic decorating of it - doesn’t matter what it looks like? Sometimes I think having these things feeling undone can make you feel worse ( I know I felt better once I’d don’t the tree!).

Do you have Xmas food in? I now buy a very small frozen Turkey breast for me and the D.C. just have the side dishes as they like them! I also do it at dinner time as that seems easier ( and I’m lucky I can afford the basics pre prepped - I keep it simple so can do this). Rest of the day I have oven party food. I do very simple decorating of the table and have candles as it’s dark as the kids love it.

I think what I’m saying is it is hard and I’m sorry you feel so down - but try and keep it simple and just do the basics and I think you may feel a little bit better? Or if it’s too overwhelming could you leave the tree in the garden and stick some lifts on and say it’s an outdoor tree this year? Put a few house decorations up? Or if it’s really too much don’t bother for one year.

Have a huge hug and know you aren’t alone and there are lots of us struggling too x

. I would get the tree in. The kids will love it.

And I’d rethink xmas dinner. Have a meal you all like. Maybe have an awesome breakfast and then let them eat chocolate and dessert for the rest of the day. Make yourself snacks things that you like.
Take the bits of Christmas that you enjoy and that your kids enjoy and focus on those.

The extended family picture of bliss is very rare. It’s more people tolerating each other and stressing.

There’s no one right way to do Christmas. A lot of the stuff you see in the media is designed to make you spend more money, not enjoy the day more.

Then take the next few months to think about next year and what would make the day wonderful for you.

Wishing you a lovely Christmas season.

Can you get the tree in yourself? Seems a pity to have one and not use it? Organise a plan around that first, then make a hot cup of tea, put whatever music you enjoy on and get hanging those baubles.

Christmas is for eating whatever you want, would a roast chicken be ok for your dc or go really rogue and just get pizza, nibbles and stuff they don't normally get.

Plan your day, sometime outside for a walk, film or telly you can watch together, time to phone friends, your nursing home visit. Write it all out so you don't have the weight of thinking about what you are doing on Saturday

Another thought - would going to a church service make you feel better?? Even if you are not a regular attendee there is sure to be a family friendly service and you can say a prayer for your parents and see sone friendly welcoming faces

Aww OP - have my first ever (I'm not much of a hugging type, but you sound so sad!).

Easy to say, I know, but you need to try and find a compromise between being kind to yourself and establishing a way of doing Christmas that works for you and your dc in your own particular situation. Sometimes when you're not feeling the feetive mood, you have to 'fake it until you make it' - I'd prioritise getting the tree done. Are your dc old enough to help decorate it? What are you having for Christmas dinner if you're not going for the traditional roast? Whatever your dc like, anything can become a Christmassy tradition if that's what you choose to make it!

I'm a single mum in much the same situation.

Write a list. Christmas tree up today, decorate this evening with dcs help and a glass of wine. Do an instant tea to make life easier.

Tomorrow rethink Xmas lunch. If they want pizza, that's fine, much less hassle but make sure you buy treats for yourself too.

And on Xmas day, don't rush, there's loads of time. Be kind t yourself as well.x

Oh I’m so sorry, OP.

Tree: what do you need to move around? Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good enough - if a big real tree doesn’t bring you joy because it’s another thing to manage, decide that for next year you’ll save up and buy a pre-lit articulation tree of a small enough size it fits in. For now, enlist the kids, this is a team effort no matter how small they are! They can hold doors open etc

As others say, all this stuff is secondary to the feel of Christmas- your DC will enjoy it, I promise, don’t hang onto ‘ideal’ if that’s not in reach.

For you, it sounds like you need to be really kind to yourself this Christmas, perhaps consider if you need to see the GP about antidepressants in January, and think hard about how next year you can fix the things that are upsetting you this year e.g. someone who’ll help the DC buy you presents etc

Put (Xmas?) music on while you decorate the tree. Music you love is key. Snuggle up with kids later to watch a movie. Lower your expectations, you know Xmas ads are bullshit and sadly, Xmas is actually a time of great stress for many people.
Can you have a mulled wine with neighbours or something? For some adult company.
Try and be grateful for the small things. It really works. ❤️

You don't need a tree. You don't need a traditional Xmas dinner. It's not the law. Just enjoy the day with your kids

Thank you all. We will be at church on Christmas morning - important for us and always the best way for us to mark the day.

We will get the tree in. It’s just that I need to move furniture to make the space. But I will do that.

I think we’ll have a slightly traditional Christmas meal on Christmas Eve and the children can make their own pizzas on Christmas Day (their preference).

If you are already planning church, is it a church where you know people already? In particular do you know the leadership team and would you feel comfortable sharing with them how you feel?

Church is about community, not just religion. They will be used to having several people who feel the same way, and can probably help you feel a bit less alone. There may even be activities arranged that you and the kids can get involved in, which can include things as simple and helpful as a few people stopping off for a cuppa in the afternoon.

Disclaimer- I am not religious, but am involved with the church for the community aspects.

@TwinkleTwinkleLittleStarFightr it’s our normal church and people there know this year is tricky for me and are v supportive.

We normally host a pre Christmas lunch for friends but haven’t been able to do that for 2 years because of covid. Next year, hopefully we can get back to that. It’s lonely doing it solo.

Is it a real tree?

We have a fake one that goes up every year. It's years old ... and wonky.... and every year we take bets on when it will finally fall over!

Maybe next year re-think having a real tree as it does seem a lot of extra hassle

I’m afraid it’s always a real tree for us! But we love it when it’s up!

l am a single widowed parent and l actually enjoy the freedom of feeling l don' t have to follow the "traditional" type of xmas.
Yes, financially its hard, its all on me, and the whole food shop, buying for others, getting the house ready, seeing to my own older teenagers, and busiest time at work, but for me personally l prefer a day without any agenda, nothing forced, no unrealistic expectations, l put my music on and potter, my teenagers love just doing their own thing , we are a close family and get on really well, its just very relaxed, we all have a lovely day, lots of nice treats, a turkey lunch, , l don' t feel we are missing out.
Previously for years l always had family around for lunch, about 13 of us in all, and later on a buffet, l found it exhausting, alot of extra work for me, and felt drained once they'd all gone home later that night.

I hope you have a lovely low-key Christmas OP! Just remember there are many of us doing similar - you’re not alone in that. And there will definitely be people posting on MN on Xmas Day if you’d like the company! Do drop in

How did you get on today @KewMummy87

Did you manage to tackle the tree?

Hello! (waves) It’s going to be just me and the DC on Christmas Day too- to be honest it’s preferable to the alternative, which would be waiting hand and foot on my parents or being bored shitless at theirs. Luckily, we had a massive row this summer and still aren’t talking, so I don’t have to endure that- or my abusive ex’s passive aggressive bullshit.

I think it’s key to think up a structure for the day- but it can be your structure. You’re already going to church- we’re (hopefully) going to walk down to the local pub, which is about a mile away, and where everyone goes on Christmas morning to have a drink and greet each other.

After the kids have gone to bed on Christmas Day is probably the perfect time to message all your friends (of which it sounds like you have a good collection) and listen to all their grisly accounts of their dreadful extended family Christmases 😆

By the way, I find my DC do insist on a couple of the key elements of the Christmas meal- namely, crackers, and torching the pudding 😆

Can you get to a Christmas Eve family service? That'll add a bit of community spirit to the start of the festive weekend. The churches near me do loads of family friendly services on Christmas eve.

Pop some festive tunes on, get your kids to help you with the furniture or cleaning and help you decorate the tree.

See if you can pop to the shops and buy a small chicken or turkey breast or leg to roast and few veggies. Make yourself a Christmas dinner alongside whatever the kids fancy and a lovely pudding. Lots of fairy lights, music and candles.

Start planning for next year, on my road there are a few single neighbours who get together for festive meals. Do your kids attend clubs, Sunday school or similar where you can meet people?

Thanks again to everyone. Tree is now up!

We have lots of friends, but Christmas Day itself is normally a family day and in these covid times it’s understandable that people prioritise seeing their parents/siblings etc.

Also, what gets to me most is being the sole adult in our family. So friends are great of course, but it’s not quite the same as someone else actually living with us/blood related.

One thing that helps a bit is to imagine if I had to have Christmas with my really awful ex in laws. The very idea makes me grateful for what I do have!

Big solidarity to the other parents who are flying solo this Christmas. One day, may we all have a wing man/woman to stand alongside us - whether that’s a partner or friend or (um…) future adult child(ren!)

Well done for getting the tree up

If it were me, on Christmas Day I’d get everyone back into PJs after church, build a blanket fort, and have pizza and party food with movies.

Well done OP. Wishing you a lovely Christmas with your dc!