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Christmas

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Original poster

How do you cope with being childless over the festive period?

21 replies

Youngatheart00 · 19/12/2021 22:43

It’s hard all year round, but the pain at this time of year…it’s almost as if my heart will actually break. I’m in physical pain a lot of the time with the grief, longing and loss.

How do you enjoy the Christmas period if you are childless not by choice?

OP posts:
Calyx72 · 19/12/2021 22:49

I wanted children but it didn't happen and now I am almost 50.

I was sad but Christmas was always one of the things I could say "at least I don't have children". It's so stressful and expensive for parents I know.

Also I have one niece so that helps, I can get her a gift and can see her excitement (well, before she became a teenager and just too cool!)

I hope you can enjoy the season for your own sake and find some things that make you smile Thanks. My pain and longing were strong and sometimes still get me but mostly I am happy.

Moonswimmer · 20/12/2021 06:56

It’s six or seven years now since i stopped ttc, and, although I am generally ok about childlessness now, Christmas reliably brings up a lot of sadness.

I don’t have much advice for dealing with it. I suppose that it must be healthy in some way to go through the feelings each time, rather than suppress them, which is probably what I manage to do for the rest of the time. But it’s shit, and I’m sorry for all of us who go through it.

TheBermudaTriangle · 20/12/2021 07:03

I say this gently because I know it is difficult, but I think sometimes you have to say to yourself "I am going to enjoy Christmas" actively, and do the things you love / build traditions between yourselves (and family / friends).

Original poster
Youngatheart00 · 20/12/2021 08:56

Thanks all for replies. It is good to not feel totally alone. I do try my best to enjoy it but just feel plagued by a deep sadness often - social media and all the documented family fun doesn’t help.

OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 20/12/2021 09:05

I think it depends how you like Christmas in general. For me, Christmas is not about children, I love Christmas even when I was a childless adult but it's because for me it's not the big family thing so many do love.

In some case the idea of a full house and feeding a million makes me break out in cold sweat.

Have you looked at alternatives to spend the time?

NorthSouthcatlady · 20/12/2021 10:47

@Youngatheart00 sorry to hear how you feel, it’s shit isn’t it. We also have fertility issues, the last embryo in our 2nd cycle of IVF failed in mid November. We might try to scrape the money together for a final cycle but we might not. We haven’t got anywhere with it, lm sick of the stress, pressure and sheer effort of it all

Next Christmas we are going away, partly as by that point we most likely with have ended trying to conceive. Partly as l have covid right now so we will have had 2 lockdown Christmases! Personally l think of the moment of Christmas when children are over tired and whining. Think phew l won’t have that problem! My biggest problem will be will l have more buffet, more cake and / or more alcohol. So a fun and indulgent Christmas here

Moonswimmer · 20/12/2021 11:57

Trying to do different things is definitely helpful, but generally that only works for a few days around Christmas itself (eg if you go on holiday), but it’s hard to avoid the entire Christmas season, as people and businesses start so early now, and you can’t spend the entirety of December kayaking the upper reaches of the Amazon (or whatever) every year.

Moonswimmer · 20/12/2021 11:58

Plus Covid has made that sort of escape a bit harder!

mam0918 · 20/12/2021 12:20

@Youngatheart00

It’s hard all year round, but the pain at this time of year…it’s almost as if my heart will actually break. I’m in physical pain a lot of the time with the grief, longing and loss.

How do you enjoy the Christmas period if you are childless not by choice?

Sympathies, it really does suck.

I actually don't have any magic fix advice because honestly I just didn't really cope with it well at all... I drank and avoided people mostly before I managed to conceive my first - Xmas was literally the worst for me.

Good luck and hopefully next Christmas you won't have this worry.

Justhereforthechristmasthreads · 20/12/2021 13:02

@Youngatheart00

It’s hard all year round, but the pain at this time of year…it’s almost as if my heart will actually break. I’m in physical pain a lot of the time with the grief, longing and loss.

How do you enjoy the Christmas period if you are childless not by choice?

I'm sorry I have no words of advice but definitely with you

FlowersFlowers

JuergenSchwarzwald · 20/12/2021 13:53

There was another thread on here OP about how to make Christmas special if you don't have kids. Others on here may remember it and where it is, but I will post it if I find it.

Excited101 · 20/12/2021 14:01

I’ve been wondering about not being able to feel any ‘Christmas magic’ is due to lack of children. Most years I go to my parents with my sibling (also childless) and I always look forward to that- though last year I was totally on my own but it was ok.

I used to be such a ‘christmassy’ person, but feel like over the years I don’t get into it in the same way, and I wondered if that was due to lack of children. My partner has 2 teenagers so it’s different for him too as they have alternate Christmas days with them.

I hope to have children but I’m mid 30’s and my partner is a lot older so I don’t know if we’d be able to, I guess time will tell.

Hyperion100 · 20/12/2021 14:14

I cant have kids but I never figured them in my life to be honest. You gotta roll with the punches and get on with it and I love Christmas!

Most of my friends who have kids moan about them pretty much all the time and some even say if they knew then what they knew now, they wouldn't have had them...particularly those with teens.

What have I been doing over the last week or so? Working mostly....but also out for social drinks, nice treat dinners out, hit the west end for shopping but ended up eating too big a lunch then sitting in a pub on a backstreet in Fitzrovia for hours with my partner playing boardgames. Did all the usual stuff like putting the tree up, made a wreath, ate too many mince pies, watched Elf...obvs. Going to spend the xmas break planning a few far flung holidays for next year (lets see of they happen!).

Concentrate on what you have, not what you dont have.

Poppins17 · 20/12/2021 18:27

I’m mostly used to our situation now, we stopped fertility treatment in 2013, however, Christmas more than any time of year I still long for a family Christmas, with kids, the kind I used to have when I was a family.

It’s the strangest things that set you off, sometimes even just an advert.

Sending love and hugs xx

VioletCreams · 20/12/2021 20:42

Sorry for how you are feeling. Although we now are lucky enough to have a child through egg donation I do remember all the years we were childless and feeling like Christmas had lost its sparkle. It is really hard when Christmas seems to centre a lot around children but I tried to avoid any events where there would likely be kids and tended to focus on late showings at the cinema, pubs, etc. Not so many children around there. Also cooked some nice meals/had takeaways with a few drinks or watched trashy tv and ate festive junk food. Another thing I did was avoided Facebook with people showing how happy their child looked after Santa had been/happy family photos/ etc. I consciously watch what I post around there (also on Mother’s/Father’s Day too).

I hope that you manage to do something that makes you enjoy Christmas even if it is just for a little bit. Sending you much Flowers and Wine if needed.

FoolShapeHeart · 20/12/2021 21:20

Before adopting my dc I was in much the same situation, op, it's so hard. Over the years I narrowed down which parts of Xmas I loved and focused on that, anything else I dropped. I'd suggest working out which bits you really love and making your own version.

Pheebs2021 · 21/12/2021 07:28

Its so bloody hard. I dealt with this for many many years and social media does not make it easier I felt like people waited to do announcements at Christmas which is of course their prerogative but made christmas day that much harder.

Newmumatlast · 21/12/2021 11:17

@Youngatheart00

It’s hard all year round, but the pain at this time of year…it’s almost as if my heart will actually break. I’m in physical pain a lot of the time with the grief, longing and loss.

How do you enjoy the Christmas period if you are childless not by choice?

I didn't cope very well to be honest when I was. I think the best thing to do is not to force yourself to do things that will trigger you for other people's happiness. If you would rather binge watch something you love and eat in your own home than play with the wider family kids do that. If being around kids helps, do that. If going away is better do that. Whatever you personally enjoy and need to do.
crustybreaddarling · 21/12/2021 11:26

With sadness really, it has got easier as we've got older but I'd be lying if I said a Christmas has passed yet without me shedding a tear.

Gentle hugs to those in need.

IsabelHerna · 19/01/2022 17:47

Almost a month after I read this thread I just want to say, it was hard, really hard to get through the festive season. How did you ladies hold up?

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