Christmas drama

[Tirediam]

It does my head in! I want to ask my parents (in their 70s) for dinner with me and my family but know that the rest of the family will go apeshit if I don’t ask them as well. I don’t want to ask any more people as want a chilled day, don’t want a shit load of other peoples kids here and want my young children to be able to just play with their toys and relax without older kids screaming the place down. Bear in mind other relatives have never offered to host or even attempted to, they just expect my elderly folks to do it for them AGAIN even though they have said they don’t want to. I just want to have Christmas with my parents and own family… why does there have to be so much drama around Christmas !?!
Don’t even know if im looking for a response… just wanted to get it out!!

Are they kicking off because it means they'd have to lift a finger, or are they kicking off because you'd spend Christmas with DM and they won't.

DM is key here, unless she says to her own children, "I'd like to have a break from hosting" then she's letting you take the fall. You're not the bad guy. Of course she's not either, but she needs to tell them she would truly appreciate the break, and see how they propose the day to work, rather than it look like you've cut them out.

Why don’t you say to them something like we would like to have Mum and dad to ours for xmas dinner. Are you happy to have them for breakfast or in the evening. Of course we completely understand if you would rather than them to yours for dinner and we can have them for breakfast or the evening. Just let me know what you would prefer.
Do you plan to see the siblings at all over the holiday season? You could also throw in that you are happy to book a lunch for you all to get together on Boxing Day.

Would something like that work?

Kind of sounds like you're over thinking it. Dont people please. Just invite your parents and be done with it.

@Rainbowqueeen

Why don’t you say to them something like we would like to have Mum and dad to ours for xmas dinner. Are you happy to have them for breakfast or in the evening. Of course we completely understand if you would rather than them to yours for dinner and we can have them for breakfast or the evening. Just let me know what you would prefer. Do you plan to see the siblings at all over the holiday season? You could also throw in that you are happy to book a lunch for you all to get together on Boxing Day.

Would something like that work?

I would try a variant of that. You or your mum say that parents have decided they definitely don't want to host this year, so does anyone else want to? Or how about we go out for lunch somewhere on 26th / 27th instead as our family meal?

Let them reply (or not!) to that first. Then you can say later you're going to have just mum and dad to give them a year off from any Christmas cooking at all, but you'll see everyone for the meal out

Maybe you could suggest that if you have your parents this year then next year and the following year etc your other siblings could host your parents and not you? How will your parents feel about spending Christmas with just one set of grandchildren and not any others?

Just invite them. If they say yes then tell the others and as suggested tell them they can invite the parents next year. Your siblings are adults who I'm sure manage to cook the rest of the year so won't starve. If they kick off just ignore them. Even if your parents decline your invite, just have your Christmas in your own house anyway.

What we have done in the past , but only really works if you are local to each other, is have a Christmas breakfast then all back to own home for rest of day.
One house does pile of bacon rolls etc , Buck’s Fizz, presents and then all usually gone by 11 am and day continues with own family. Could something like that work ? So everyone gets to see each other but not the whole crowd for Christmas dinner.

Big group WhatsApp or what ever you use.

Mum and dad are getting on a bit now. The big Christmas are too much for them. None of us have the time to put in for hosting everyone.

I suggest we do a rota. This year I am happy to invite mum and dad to ours so you all get an idea for how to do your Christmas at your own home. As mine are younger I can get away with it being less perfect they won't notice then next year if one of you want to invite mum and dad we can work from there.

Really looking forward to hearing about all your personal family Christmas

This works as long as DM doesn't back track and halfway through the chat when she sees the other siblings getting prickly, just say "oh, I don't mind really, you can all come here" just to keep the peace.

It's OP that ends up looking the bad guy because DM won't let her other children know she'd like a break, and backs down to them.

Invite your parents. Dont invite them.

Explain calmly they are adults and can do what they like...ypu are happy for them to host if they want everyone together.
I'd also be tempted to
ask why they expect two septegenarians to wait on them each christmas.

But i am very much zero fucks given.

Honestly, just state what is happening and take the flak. Think of it as an extra gift for your parents. I can't believe their adult children haven't at least started bringing all the sides/drink/dessert.

I'm for being simple in your message. Mam and Dad are not hosting this year, it's too tiring for them having a large group. They are coming to mine this year. You are all welcome for Turkey sandwiches and a walk on Boxing Day. Next year how about you host XX so Mam and Dad can enjoy being looked after again. Ho Ho Ho 🎄

@Enko

Big group WhatsApp or what ever you use.

Mum and dad are getting on a bit now. The big Christmas are too much for them. None of us have the time to put in for hosting everyone.

I suggest we do a rota. This year I am happy to invite mum and dad to ours so you all get an idea for how to do your Christmas at your own home. As mine are younger I can get away with it being less perfect they won't notice then next year if one of you want to invite mum and dad we can work from there.

Really looking forward to hearing about all your personal family Christmas

This is what I would do, perhaps adding “Sorry we don’t have the space to invite everyone!” Or similar to be even clearer.

She’s doing it… she’s been talked around 🙄 she said she’s 100% not doing it next year so for everyone to make other plans.
I did chip in with “don’t blame you mum, come to mine next year for a quiet one”
So we’ll see…
She will still moan to me mind.

Actually, it sounds to me like she wants to do it but she could do with a bit more help on the day or in the run up. Could you suggest to your siblings that you all bring something?

@Iknowitisheresomewhere ive assigned duties! My brother is on sprout duty as I made him and he hates them. My retaliation for pressuring my mum! ☺️

I can relate to this. Every year for as long as I can recall I have hosted an Elderly relative for Christmas, irrespective of other members of the family having loads of room they have never offered to have them stay at theirs … if I didn’t invite her over she would end up alone at Christmas which to many people do!
One year I hosted everyone in immediate family 13 people for Christmas and it was hard work totally chaotic and was the most stressful Christmas ever!! Therefore I’d say invite your parents and tell others to sod off!

If your folks are happy, just go ahead. If the others moan, let them stew.

For 40 years my MiL had cooked Christmas dinner for 12 in her tiny kitchen. So when we invited her and FiL to come to us for Christmas (we were living in the Middle East, where it’s lovely weather in December) she positively jumped at it.

FiL grumbled and said he couldn’t leave the house in December, what if the pipes froze, etc. etc.
Good old Mil said, ‘You can do what you like - I’m going!’
They both came in the end and had a lovely time.