If you have young relatives you never see / have little relationship with....

[senorafridgidaire]

....do you still buy for them?

I have two teen nieces (14/15) and a toddler one (different mums, ex-SIL and new-SIL). They live far away, not seen them in years, couldn’t pick me out of a lineup I reckon.

Every year I send presents, every year I hear nothing back other than a text from DB saying ‘thanks for kids presents’. They don’t even send me a card, not just the teens but DB also – literally nothing. Last year I scaled it back from the usual £50 a head, and sent the teens £20 and a bar of nice chocolate each and DBs ‘thank you’ text came about a week after Christmas. I have oldest DN on social media so she could have easily sent me a message herself.

Tbh this year I’m inclined not to bother at all given their ages / lack of relationship and plain ingratitude, but I will send something for the toddler, as her mum is really nice and sent me a message last year thanking me for the little gift I sent.

I appreciate blended families are tricky and I don’t want the older ones to feel ‘pushed out’ but I’m fed up of spending money on people who clearly don’t appreciate it at all, every penny counts here! If they were younger I might feel different about it, but they are now old enough to wear make up and have boyfriends, so they are old enough to say thank you IMO.

YANBU - I might be inclined to explain why to your DB so that if there’s any fallout it doesn’t look like actual favouritism.

My DC were rubbish at thank yous when they were expected to write out 10 cards and post them. Now that they can send a text they’re fine and always thank anyone who sends a gift for bday or Xmas. It’s easier if it’s someone who phones on the day as they can thank in person but even with old friends of mine who send £5 in a card but don’t have an independent relationship with the kids I would always thank on their behalf.

It’s really difficult, isn’t it - on one had just buying for the toddler only looks like you’re making a point, but then you are making a point - and rightly so! I agree totally that by 14/15 the girls should at least be thanking you or DB should send a card or something for you and some proper acknowledgment in return! But then 14/15 year olds can be so wrapped up in themselves it doesn’t yet occur to them to question something they’re doing/not doing/being rude about until they’re a bit older.

I’m still smarting from the rafter rude way my teenage niece received her latest birthday presents (I always buy her nice things - and I do mean nice - but she is clearly far too cool for everything at the moment and can be extremely rude. I think she partly means to be, but also partly doesn’t quite understand quite how very rude she comes across! But teenagers are like that!)

Can you send them something token this year - a book or chocolates or similar under about £10 at the most - and something a bit bigger for the toddler, then say to DB “next year I think I’ll stop for the girls as they are getting too big now and I don’t see them/they don’t send thanks”?

It might prompt a bit of recognition from him and them. I know I used to really appreciate a friend of my mum’s who sent me a book and chocolates every year, but it somehow didn’t occur to me to actually send her a thank you card until I was a bit older and she prodded me to say maybe she should stop!

Now it’s me who sends her a gift every Christmas 😂

*rather not rafter!

We have a niece and nephew on my husband's side (12 and 8) that we don't see and don't have a relationship with. My husband sends them £25 each on their birthdays and Christmas and I think it's far too much. I would do just cards on their birthdays and a token gift of less than £10 for Christmas. But it's his money. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I completely understand why you would want to stop buying for the older ones if they don’t even say thank you. But just be careful that they don’t accuse you of favouring the younger child.

I think it’s wrong that you buy for his children yet your brother doesn’t even get you a card?

YANBU
We have almost exactly the same scenario - 3 nieces who we never see and don't thank us for presents - oldest is 18.
Two nephews from the other side of the family who we see occasionally and at least their parents say thanks.

I've decided not to send anything for the 18YO, it's usually money in a card. If we do see them around Christmas (unlikely) then I'll get her some chocolates or something. For the younger ones I'm planning to get them smaller things and only on special offer. For example, I've seen some lego sets in the "bargains" thread at half price or better in places like Argos. So I'm planning to spend about £10 on each of them.

Op I think I'd do what you did last year but make it clear you are stopping when they hit 16 or leave school
I think it could cause a rift just to stop, their Dad does at least acknowledge and thankyou for the gifts.

It's tricky. I always buy for my nieces and nephews in their late 20's who never acknowledge presents or reciprocate.We rarely see them. Every year I think I should stop, but never have the heart to.

Some years ago I let everyone know that I would no longer buy any Christmas presents for anyone except my own children (and now granddaughter as well), and that I would instead donate to charities.

No one minded, in fact everyone was secretly or openly relieved.

My Christmases have been so much simpler ever since. Added bonus: I no longer get stuff I do not need either.

@goldenlilliesdaffodillies late 20s I'd definitely bop that on the head, they are probably earning as much as you.

I think I'd just stop or send a card / text / email.

Once my nephew leaves uni my gift giving will significantly reduce, and if I don't see him it will reduce further!

My DSis sends a thank you from DN we don’t actually desk anymore but that is enough. As long as you know they are getting it. I’m planning on stopping at 18.

My other DN, I’m hoping Dbro calls a halt to it. He has stopped sending my DD anything after big family fallout and I’m hoping he was me to stop too but I’ve no plans to stop until I’m asked. I’m just giving money these days.

Lockdownbear- yes you are right- they earn much more than I do! I hadn't thought of it like that.

We buy for a step great niece and nephew , never met them we do it simply because it would offend my husbands twin brother if we didn’t . We buy fairly generic Lego / craft type stuff usually , spend £20-25 ish on each and always get a thank you note .

2 teenage nieces on DHs side he spends £50 a head on for birthdays and Christmases, never gets anything in return other than a thank you text from SIL. I tell him every year not to bother but I think he feels he has to as they don't have much other family.

Teenagers are horrors for not saying thank you (we were all discussing this just the other day) Unless the parents have drilled it into them you wont get a thank you but it doesn't mean it's not appreciated (speaking as a person who only started writing thank you notes in her 30s). Saying that 50 seems huge to me, we've never gone beyond 20 euro each

Nope I send nothing outside my own sisters and one niece (who I don't see much as they all live in another country but I am close to my sisters). My stepsons and step granddaughter and some seasonal.flowers to my MIL.
For a while I did give gifts to a friends children who were born the same time as my own, but I remember spending a particular amount of time hunting down some toy for her little girl and my daughter got a toothbrush. Not even a fancy Disney Princess one but a bog standard Boots basic brand. Stopped bothering after that.

Exactly the same, £10 and chocolates for each child (4 of) and gifts for parents at the obligatory Christmas meet up, every year not a thank you. Kids sit there glaring and whispering or heads in a screen.
Then a bottle of cheap wine passed on from the in-laws about a week later as a thank you, which they bought themselves. I even saw FIL unload it with their own shopping.
The takers of this world.

£50 is very generous, too generous imo.
Buy them a book and a chocolate santa. Or some fancy chocolate and a tenner. Thats more than enough

I’m really insistent on thank yous (sp?), but if their parents have never taught them to say thank you then it may be years before they would naturally think to do it themselves.

Agree with @foxgoosefinch:
“I know I used to really appreciate a friend of my mum’s who sent me a book and chocolates every year, but it somehow didn’t occur to me to actually send her a thank you card until I was a bit older and she prodded me to say maybe she should stop!”

It would be so helpful to your teen DNs, OP, to have a note in their card saying ‘here’s my email/FB, send a thank you if you’d like Aunty Claus to keep sending presents’.

@senorafridgidaire

....do you still buy for them?

I have two teen nieces (14/15) and a toddler one (different mums, ex-SIL and new-SIL). They live far away, not seen them in years, couldn’t pick me out of a lineup I reckon.

Every year I send presents, every year I hear nothing back other than a text from DB saying ‘thanks for kids presents’. They don’t even send me a card, not just the teens but DB also – literally nothing. Last year I scaled it back from the usual £50 a head, and sent the teens £20 and a bar of nice chocolate each and DBs ‘thank you’ text came about a week after Christmas. I have oldest DN on social media so she could have easily sent me a message herself.

Tbh this year I’m inclined not to bother at all given their ages / lack of relationship and plain ingratitude, but I will send something for the toddler, as her mum is really nice and sent me a message last year thanking me for the little gift I sent.

I appreciate blended families are tricky and I don’t want the older ones to feel ‘pushed out’ but I’m fed up of spending money on people who clearly don’t appreciate it at all, every penny counts here! If they were younger I might feel different about it, but they are now old enough to wear make up and have boyfriends, so they are old enough to say thank you IMO.

I never understand the attitude of giving a gift to expect it back (even in the form of praise) it goes against the entire point of giving and is just miserable.

You are an adult, you choose to send a gift at xmas which is the standard normality for most people expecting a pat on the back for basic standard adulting is wierd.

I never understand people who quote the whole OP when it’s not remotely necessary, @mam0918.

Don’t buy for anyone but DD (token gifts) and 1 family Secret Santa. We don’t get from others either. It’s bliss.

That includes 7 nieces and nephews on DH’s side that we see once in a blue moon.

I have one nephew I see maybe once every one or two years. He's 15 (I think!). Have never bought him a present, DB doesn't buy for my two either. Not close.
My other nephews I see fairly regularly, older teens now. They get money and say thanks face to face.

@mam0918 I don't give to receive or to receive praise, if I did I'd have stopped a few years ago! When they were younger I used to get joy out of buying them lovely presents, made loads of effort, spent lots of money and enjoyed the excited thank you phone calls and pictures I used to get sent of them opening the gifts I'd chosen. Not because I wanted to play Lady Bountiful or for them to be ever beholden to me, but because it was just nice. Nice to choose presents, and nice to know they liked them and got joy from them.

It's just as they've got older the attitude seems to have changed that it's expected I send them money (which is now what they want) and don't even hear from them. Where's the festive joy in that?! There's fuck all joy in me sticking money in a card and sending it to them, and there's apparently no joy in them receiving it given the radio silence.

And it's clearly not 'standard adulting' (adult isn't actually a verb btw) to spend money on people you don't have much of a relationship with, as plenty of other posters don't do it.

Thanks to everyone else for the far more helpful input!!

I'd spilt my £50 budget between the three of them and slowly start to down grade gift giving. Don't give gifts for their birthdays & then in a year or so you can stop it completely.