Does anyone else buy more than they receive?

[sweetkitty]

Don’t know if that makes sense I’ll try to explain, we have very little family as it is. Every year I buy a present for my
DNeice
DNephew
Brother
Brothers partner (technically sister-in-law)
I’ll ask DB in advance what his DC would like and will get that probably some PJs and some choccies wrap them up and send them down with my Dad (they live an hour away. I buy DB a bottle of his fav spirit and SIL wine and a gift set nothing too fancy but I believe everyone should have something on Xmas day.

In return around about the beginning of October DB will text me to tell me he’s put £20 each in my back account for the DC. I’ll them buy them something wrap it up and say it’s from DB and SIL. That’s it. Now I understand everyone is different and celebrates Xmas differently but I’ve never once had a thank you from SIL for any of the DCs gifts or hers. I’m not looking for a big gushing thank you but it would be nice to know they liked them.

Same with my DNeice on DHs side we always get her DD a present don’t get even a card or thank you back.

I’ve kind of made peace with it because 1) I either stop buying for them or 2) be the bigger person and keep on doing it as that’s what I think Xmas should be about and everyone should get something. I guess it’s just one little bit of the bigger picture of the DCs not having any extended family who give a toss really.

You've been generous, but I think you should stop with the present buying. It sounds like they don't think they want or need the presents and have have been dropping massive hints for a while now.

I think that your SIL will be given Xmas presents from her immediate family so you really don't need to worry about her.

I think you're right - either you give with no strings attached (i.e you should get a gift from them in return or a thank you card) or you don't give atall.

I buy a gift for both of my cousin's DC at Christmas. She will get them something if we meet at Christmas (we live far away) but not if we don't. I don't get a thank you card. But I'm fine with that as I don't take it personally. I know she is a very busy single mum and it says nothing about our relationship.

I mean she will get my DC a gift if we meet up but not if we don't.

Just stop. You know they don't reciprocate, so why are you doing this to yourself?

Don't get anything for your DB or SIL. A couple of days after your DB puts money in your bank for your kids' presents from them, send the money back and tell him it's for his kids' presents from you.

Job done.

I personally buy for all the children, my parents, a secret santa, my husband and token gifts for those we visit. My husband buys me some gifts, my parents usually buy a hamper of treats food for us and a secret santa gift.

Not going to lie, I spend much much more than I recieve, and I don't mind too much as it brings me joy to see others happy. But, as ungrateful as it sounds I don't get much joy from receiving gifts and would prefer it if I don't get a secret santa or random things that were bought because the person felt obliged and had no real thought put into it.

If you don't enjoy the gift giving, stop, you'll feel much better for it.

This is more than just Christmas I though, you see I’m estranged from my toxic mother and she said you don’t buy for adults only children and this is probably why DB and SIL don’t buy us anything as they still talk to her. And I’m like I’ll do what I want I’ll buy for adults. I also buy for my Dad too but he buys for the kids so that’s ok. Like others giving gifts brings me joy

I definitely buy more than I receive as we don't do the buying for adults, only DH. I find it really stressful to have to buy stuff and it sets off my anxiety.
My dd prefers money too as do a lot of teenagers so maybe they are hoping you would just do the same. As you buy for their family and they send money for yours. I am not sure a thank you is needed. I buy for my nephews and see my sister Christmas day and I may see her dc appreciating and playing with the gifts. We wouldn't necessarily say thank you though.I do appreciate she buys for my dd but thats maybe because we see each other a lot so thank you isn't needed.

I was always buying gifts for my cousins DS and never once got something in return, not even a card, and once they dropped their DS off to stay with me for a few days the day after my DDs birthday (which they knew about). So I stopped. If we go to a party of his we buy something but other than that we don't.

I think that your last line is the real issue here ie the problems with your extended family or lack thereof. I understand this OP. I’m in a similar boat. It sucks - especially at Christmas.

As for presents, I’d stop buying for the adults. It’s quite wasteful to be buying gift sets that may or may not be used. Stick the money into your kids’ savings instead.

Yes all in dhs family. They used to reciprocate but just decided to stop over the years without any prior warning.
But It’s kind of expected that we will still buy for or send money for them and thier families, hints start well in advance. Doesn’t help that there are 6 birthdays between end of October and Christmas that we are expected to buy for as well, so it all adds up and costs us a small fortune!
Dh doesn’t even get so much as a card on special occasions, if he’s lucky a text message or even better a FB tribute that he doesn’t see as he’s not on FB!

Last year most a the presents weren’t even acknowledged never mind a Thankyou!

Usually present buying is up to me to sort. But I’m done. I’m only buying for those that are important to me.
If dh wants to send presents to his family then up to him to sort, I’m not getting involved for selfish grabby fuckers that can’t even acknowledge that you even exist!

Normally I would say, we don't give to receive, however, I think I'd stop buying for adults and just stick with the kids. And perhaps, a token gift for DHs niece.

I would continue to buy for the children but stop buying for the adults.

You say you think you're being the bigger person, but that's you projecting your own feelings. I would assume they would prefer you to stop, as they don't reciprocate.

These days I only buy for the immediate family, DH, DDs, SIL and DGC. My extended family is huge and I’d bankrupt myself if bought for everyone. Year ago we unanimously agreed that we’d all make a decent sized contribution to a chosen charity in lieu of presents. It seemed a good idea all round.

I think buying presents is really hard for some children. I have found they don't appreciate it and it is just expected now.
I now spend less money and less thought on the gifts I buy for these children in my life as it actually upset me to give them something I thought they would love but it was just another gift in their eyes.

You say buying gifts brings you joy… but this isn’t.

Some family will never actually be there for you and that’s terribly sad, but you are not alone. Bil and Sil used to send extravagant gifts for our DC but didn’t know them, spend time with them etc so always spectacularly missed the mark (giant keyboard being a personal favourite). It was all for show to Pil.
Our DC were perplexed because they never saw them. It’s now been 5 years since we clapped eyes on them and gifts have stopped.

However we have lovely friends who we exchange well considered birthday gifts from and a family gift at Christmas. We go on a festive day out together too. It’s far nicer than any forced family relationship.

Do what gives you pleasure! If you enjoy giving them a gift continue, or if you'd rather just transfer the £20 back for niece and nephew then do that.

Do t let the gift giving get wrapped up in your relationship with your mother and her lack of care for your feelings. You are obviously fully reasonable to want to be remembered at christmas, but you can't change other people. Why not save the money you would have spent on bil and sil and treat yourself?