First Christmas since separating…what to do re:kids?

[ChittyChittyBoomBoom]

Dh and I separated in February so I’m starting to think how we might plan Christmas.

Technically the dc will be with me (we have a 50/50 arrangement) over Christmas Eve/day/Boxing Day but I wouldn’t want the children to not see him.

We are on very good terms and there are no new partners involved.

I was just wondering what others have done? Would it be weird for him ti spend the day/part of the day with us?

I think it would be great for the kids if you can spend some of the day together.

I agree if you are on good terms then I'd invite him around for dinner or opening presents. I split the day with my ex, alternate Christmas Eve each year and the other parent picks up at 2pm.

Last year was our first Christmas since separating and as we were still friendly, exDH came over about 9am Christmas day until 6pm ish. It was good but slightly strange.
This year the kids are with me until 3ish Christmas day then off to their dad's until the day after boxing day.
It was their request, they like to have a half and half on special days.
My kids are 14 and 12 for reference.
Good luck for Christmas, remember to start your own memories and traditions just you and the kids.

If you're on good terms and no new partners then I would spend part of the day together.

Or if you think it's too confusing for the children I'd have him over for a few hours, but go out for a walk/upstairs for a bath/pop in to visit someone. Or have the children go to his house for a few hours.

Or one person gets Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and the other gets Christmas afternoon and boxing day.

I think it depends on ages of children, distances between houses etc. Also think about what you would want next year/in the future when they're with him.

We split it like Xmas eve with xh Xmas day with me boxing day with me but xh and his parents come over for a buffet etc.

We have split Xmas day for the past 4 years . Xmas eve/ Xmas morning me , Xmas afternoon boxing morning him . But this year we might swap it because ds has a new baby brother and wants to wake up with him .
I'm not sentimental about it , ds is happy and loved and he deserves great memories.

Thanks all, that’s really helpful. The dc are 9, 9 and 14 and we only live a couple of miles apart. The dc would like us to spend time together and wouldn’t be confused (he came over before and after school on dc’s birthday for example).

The first year we did have Xmas lunch together but I prefer not !

DS2 and his DP split up some years ago but remain on good terms. The DGCs spend Christmas Eve day with their DM and other DGPs, then come here with their dad for supper, games etc on Christmas Eve and stay the night, with stockings and presents next morning.Then off to their DM for lunch and back here for Christmas dinner in the evening.

This does rather rely on their coping with two Christmas dinners on one day, so far no problem. I was also concerned that now they are 16 and 18 they might not like the overnight stay etc but they say they are as keen as ever to stick to usual arrangements.

It suits us, their dad and their mum, but does depend on goodwill all round.

I alternate each year with my ex, so one year I get Xmas Eve and Xmas Day and get Boxing Day and the day after - regardless of how it would fall on our usual schedule. Works well.

My DP, splits the day with his ex which is a giant pain in the arse.

We've been separated 3 years so far and have spent every Christmas Day together with the kids

Depends how much you'd want him in your house!

Usual arrangement I see and worked for us was Xmas Eve until after lunch with 1 parent and after lunch and Boxing Day with the other.

Really they will only want 1 Xmas dinner so you need to have good relationships to decide whether it's lunchtime with morning Xmas day house or dinner at the other parents.

Personally I was happy to do the nice breakfast and a snack lunch and allow Xmas dinner with other parent at PILs. Saved me cooking and washing it all up 🤣

The first two years after ex and I separated he came here for present opening in the morning, and the second year did stay for lunch. Last year just present opening. He has a new partner and child however so not sure what will happen this year ( and tricky as one of the DC doesn’t get on with step mum). Both my two atm are insistent they want to wake up here Xmas morning - did suggest they went to his after lunch last year but they didn’t want to leave their presents. Luckily both ex and I are easy going about Xmas - and happy to go with what the kids want.

You know your children but as a child I HATED with a passion by parents pretending as I saw it. I desperately wanted them back together and it got my hopes up every time.

Eventually I voiced this and I'd spend Christmas eve and wake up Christmas day/stay till 2ish then go to the other parents for the rest and boxing day. It worked well for us. You'll figure out what works best for your family too.

Let the kids decide. Give them all the options that are open to you (e.g. if you can afford to have lunch out show them the website) and ask for their input.

We tried exH coming over on Christmas morning for present opening the first year and DD found it very upsetting and weird so just be aware they might be uncomfortable if him being in the house hasn't been a regular thing for a while.

I would start as you mean to go on. Xmas Eve and Xmas day with one, Boxing Day and new year with the other, then swap next year

Thanks again, lots of different points of view to consider.

I genuinely don’t think they’d be upset or it get their hopes up. As I said, he came over recently on the morning of a birthday then back again after school for the usual family birthday tea we do with grandparents. We have a day out planned together too which was part of the dc’s birthday present.

I will ask them though 😊.

Exdp has an established routine with his older kids some agreed that dd would simply follow that otherwise she would never have Christmas with her brother and sister. It did mean the first year we separated she was with me.

Exdp came over for Xmas movies, junk food and games on Xmas eve, helped out dd to bed and then left. I had Xmas morning with her, we had pancakes for breakfast, opened gifts etc video called my folks and then her dad collected her about 3.

He did not return the compliment last year which stung a bit.

This year I have decided not to invite him. Dd wouldn't be confused but I have a dp who will be here and we are hosting my parents. She will go to her dad's about 5/6pm Xmas day and stay til boxing night. It is the only time I allow him overnight contact (not a vicious ex, there is a huge backstory)

Talk to the kids, work out what they want. Just be wary that should you ever involve a new partner any precedent may be difficult to get of at a later date

My dad used to come over on Christmas Day. It was awful. Everyone was uncomfortable. I ended up hating Christmas.

(Not anymore thankfully, I love it!)

Just be careful if you are going to do it.

Personally I wouldn't have your ex over as it will just be confusing for the DC. I remember thinking that would be best the first year I was separated and asked on MN and was advised it is best to start as you mean to go on. You won't always want your ex over at Christmas so don't do it now. My ex and I still take the DC to see FC together every year, though.

As for what I do - well, my DC's dad (and his family) isn't bothered about seeing them on the actual days so I always have them CE to Boxing day. He has them on the 27th and takes them to family then.

Maybe just consider how any plans will change if either of you bring a partner into the equation next year… I always think if you start something new one year there tends to be an expectation to do the same the following year which may be awkward if your or ex DH situation changes.

When my son was little we would try and do an xmassy type event together like go see santa or go see a panto.

We have 50/50 custody and alternate our xmases , this year he is at his dads and I'll have him back boxing day. Every year we basically discuss what our plans are for drop off/pick up cos of how the days may fall, work shifts etc so we are fairly relaxed with arrangements.