Presents when transitioning to adulthood

[ZandraPlackett]

I have 2 children who are 18 and 20. One is at Uni with a part time job, and the other is working full time. I’m thinking this is the year to reduce presents and change traditions a bit - how did others do this with their tweens/early 20s children? They love stockings and I was thinking of getting them to do one for each other this year ( which I would help with and top up), and normally I spend £2-300 on their gifts - I was thinking of reducing it to a £50 gift and £50 of smaller gifts.
It’s not a financial issue, but last year they did come across as a bit grabby, and were pretty poor with their gift giving in general ( I know it’s a selfish age for a lot of young people). I’m hoping to maybe show them the pleasure in giving and not just receiving, and to change the dynamic a bit- they aren’t little children any more!

I would say 18-20 should be way beyond the selfish/grabby teen years, they are fully grown adults now... I literally had kids by that point as did most people I know.

I think asking them to do stocking might come across awkward, if you didn't raise the gift-giving when younger then it's going to be really hard now + stockings usually come from a person choosing to do them.

Im not a huge fan of the idea but if you need to basically find a way to tell them then have to give as well as receive maybe a secret santa would help.

You should definitely reduce the amount though, £2-300 is a lot of money and far more than you need to spend, if you think they are being rude and expecting (or selfish in their gift giving) then its good to start to real it in.

I’m keen to know how others to do this too? …Like @ZandraPlackett it’s not a financial issue …just feel that now one of mine is an at uni and the other 13 it’s a good time to try and change things a bit, as feels a bit like the Christmas magic has gone.

My dc are 19 and 18 and always buy fit each other as well as other family members. I think suggesting the stocking idea is a good one but you might need to help give suggestions!
My 2 get a big present (around £50 - has been 100 in some years, but will be £50 this year), a stocking and other gifts probably totalling about £50. Their favourite part of it all is the stocking!

Posted too soon! I usually top up with Greggs vouchers etc but this year I'll be adding in Wetherspoons vouchers too now they are out drinking.

I'd buy a main present £100 and a small stocking, £50.

And tell them that they have to turn up with gifts for everyone! Simple!

I found it a difficult age myself at 18/20.

Everyone is still buying you presents which are quite large or expensive as if you are a kid, and you feel you have to reciprocate to mum & dad & any siblings, and grandparents/ aunts/ uncles etc.

£20 doesn't get you much these days so even getting everyone a £20 gift looks pants and it all adds up very quickly.

Especially when its an expensive time of year anyway - long distance travel from uni, visiting friends, going out for NYE etc.

It seems I just haemorrhaged money at xmas and had little to show for it in terms of gifts.

My sister and I ended up doing joint presents for a while and still sometimes do.

So I would maybe try to not be too harsh in terms of judging them on their gift giving capabilities, and they might be relieved if everyone tones down the presents. I was!

Yes it is tricky, they are great kids - and it’s as much my fault in continuing to buy birthday cards for them to give to others etc. I certainly don’t want to be harsh - it’s been a tough couple of years that has seen them stuck at home and limiting their independence. Glad that others don’t feel I’m being unfair though! When I say their present buying was poor last year this was more with friends - they were receiving nice presents that had some thought put in and giving last minute chocolate from the garage type of thing. We don’t do extended family gifts so they are not under pressure at all, and they have lots of disposable income.

Well I am mid 50’s and my parents still buy me lots of presents at Christmas. However I am not grabby and do a good effort in gift buying. I buy for dn x 3 who are all mid 20’s.
I’m not sure I get your point op, are you trying to teach them to be less selfish?

DS is 21 and although I buy him a few smaller presents I ask him what he’d like as a main present. He’s a keen/good cook and last year he asked for a Le Creuset cast iron casserole.

If he showed signs of being grabby then I’d cut back!

It’s not a case of wanting to teach them a lesson giggly- more that each year I try to reflect on what went well and adjust things, like we do in all our parenting, and was interested to know how other people had made the transition to adulthood. I’m mulling over whether to get them to do stockings for each other as they are if similar age and interests and I think if they put the effort in ( with support) could do a good job.

I’ll probably up the presents when they leave home and money is much tighter for them, but at they moment they can pretty much buy what they want.

My family has always been massive gift givers at birthdays and Xmas, and my mum is still that way now lol and to be fair I'm the same with my kids, but we do have conversations about realistic budgets (my stepdad still earns mega bucks as not yet retiring, I work part time and have 2 little kids you know) we also ask what each other wants so if I get her 1 thing and it's what she asked for then she's happy.