Am I being a cow not to buy my MIL a present, I am just so fed-up with her???

[chocchipchristmascake]

She is an ungrateful %^&*$ and I would rather give the money to charity.

I have bought her lots of nice things which she tosses aside with barely a second glance and I strongly suspect either gives away or flogs on eBay!

Fair enough, it is hers to do with as she wants.

So then I started getting her gift vouchers which she told SIL she prefers.

Took one over for her birthday at the weekend for fifty pounds, left it on the kitchen table because she was out, have heard nothing.

Not a thing.

This is normal.

So do I carry on or get her something small for Christmas and use the money for something I would like to give to like vaccinations for children overseas.

It just all feels so empty and stupid.

perhaps you could just pick her some information on a local ALPHA course, to expand her theological horizons just slightly?

Let's see: unmarried mothers, irresponsible fathers, no discipline in schools, the decline of moral values amongsy public figures, television filth.

War, famine, locusts and plagues.

All non-Christians burning in hell.

Oh yes, it is laugh a minute at Christmas round at MIL's.

Let DH handle it. If it's a 6pm bar of Yardley soap, then that's fine. It is not your problem.

Or the fabric vulva. Although you have to get those shipped from the US so probably couldn't get it in time for Christmas. Perhaps for her next birthday?

I have brought this on myself, JAIOP. You are right.

What happens is she is horible, I make a resolution to back off, all the family avoid her as well, I then feel sorry for her and go back in being super-nice to try to fix everything, then she is horrible and it all starts off again.

BTW, BIL who bought the cooker has not seen her for a year!!!!!!!

My DH says I am trying to fix his family and it's hopeless, he has tried and is now v. detached as is just about everyone else.

Right. Very small prezzie and charity donation but I still don't know whether to just do it or to give it in her name.

If you are doing the donation and telling her about it, I suggest adding a sneaky "Matthew 25:34-40" to the card. Takes the wind out of her sails a bit if (OK, when) she's minded to complain.

Christian Aid do the whole give-a-goat thing, she can't possibly complain about that .

Plus, despite the name, they do useful work without pushing the god thing excessively, even a cynical old atheist like me can grit her teeth and support them...

oops, x-posts!

How about a big box of chocolate cocks from Ann Summers? That might shut her up for a bit

snort!

This is v. funny
Some excellent MIL gift ideas here don't know why there weren't on the mumsnet list of recommendations

Can't sleep and I just read this thread..... it really made me smile

CCCC- You sound exactly like me. I tried so hard to have a good relationship with my MIL but it was no use. The only person who really got upset and disappointed was me.
I would spend my weekends trying to find her the perfect presents and then she would make me take them back for her!!!!!
Over the last year or so I have finally (after 9 years) started detaching myself. It is really hard if you are a generous, loving and harmonious person (as we both clearly are!) but it is the only way to stay sane.
I regret that I couldn't 'fix' everything but it is HER not me. You really need to keep tell yourself that.....EVERY time you think about it. Only then will it start getting easier....
.... As quite a few people have said, it is time to hand this baton over to your husband....make sure he understands that this affects you. (Didn't tell mine anything for 4 years - big mistake)

All the best, and make sure you have a Happy Christmas!

She does sound completely hideous!

I would do the goat thing.

Btw mum has never stopped trying to placate my awful granny, who is very much like your Mil - ungrateful, resentful and moany about evrything and everyone (she can be nice )
Mum is getting something out of it, I think - she moans about her in return, to me, till I am blue in the face screaming 'just stop trying, she hates you!!' but mum likes hitting her head on a brick wall for some reason

Nothing more odd than family dynamics...

Dear Doup

I am ready to change! I am getting her whatever is on offer from my friend who does Avon (budget a tenner max) and the rest I'm giving to charity.

Yes, I do like finding things for people I think they will like.

Most of the in laws are like this. For my FIL's 70th I went to a LOT of effort to get him a book by an author he liked in hardback signed by the author. 'To FIL from X' etc.

FIL took a quick look at it and literally tossed it to one side, never mentioned it.

I don't get him anything now, miserable old sod.

But I just can't quite get my head round someone who doesn't even say thank you for a gift voucher. DH says they're crazy and what can you expect. At least he understands. He is so nice, I don't know how he came out of that family.

How about a new paperback bible then if she is religous.

My MIL is one of the acknowledged MN nightmares- actually i think she is mentally ill (OCD) but she has been cruel to my sn ds1 so cannot forgive that.

She puts anything she is given that is half decent on top her wardrobe and leaves it there forever (martyr syndrome- too nice for her). I used to think that was PK as the only female after her generation- sadly I think she'd leave it to the binman rather than me these days.

But she'll still get a gift. She's DH's Mum and much as she's evil, and Dh won't have anything to do with her, she's not going unremembered at chrsitmas. She's getting a nice set of M&S toiletries this year, in a prety bag. Not exactly exciting but nice enough. The kids will sned something home amde, even if ds3 has no idea who she is

(pagwatch- your idea about shit for MIKL- did that alst year pmsl, she did get Gordon Ramsay Chocs as well- and heck, she called ds1 a freak to hsi face, she's lucky to be alive!)

hard as it is, as your dh has left the responsibility of the gift choosing to you, and really most men do don't they, you are going to have to give up on her ever changing.

I wouldnt even bother with giving the charity thing, in her name, she obviously has no inkling of generosity and the whole 'deal'

Buy her a ten pound present, and adopt an animal in your dc's name, or get something for charity in your family's name.

Thanks Pirate. I would like to do something baby-related where you maybe get a letter/update. Or an animal for a family. Any ideas anyone? Yep, I think I'm gonig to do it for my children, they will at least appreciate it.

Just have to have my twopenneth.

MIL will not accept bunches of flowers from florist - the florist told us so when we tried to order them.

Have thrown and glazed a cheese plate for her - not even acknowledged.

She asked for a specific bottle of perfume, finally found it after a couple of weeks looking - "I didn't know they made such a small bottle"

Wanted an address book, at that time we lived on a tiny Island and there were none at all to be had, so I bought her a very smart, slim leather filofax and filled it with address pages, over £50 - opened it in front of me, and put it on the table with no comment.

When we went to tell her of DD1, we showed her the scan picture, and she looked at us and said "well what are you waiting for me to say?" I just said "nothing"

We didn't have any further contact with her until DD1 was 3 and DD2 was 1. We did send her regular photos of both of them but that was all.

Last year she finally came to her senses, and we see her once a month. But I have told DH this is the only chance she has with DD's, if she messes up then thats it, and he agrees.

Phew, rant over.

My mother in law unwraps presents and then announcing why they're no use to her, usually something to do with one of her many ailments. I've always tried to get something nice but I put my foot down at their golden wedding anniversary party. I told DH he had to sort it so when he didn't have a present, he had to stick money in a card and hand it over looking sheepish.

Let your DH sort it out. If it's soap he goes for, I can send you a giant bag of the stuff from scottish fine soaps, about 30 bars for a £1.

I'd give a charity gift (so even if your MIL not impressed, YOU know you've helped someone somewhere).
I'd also encourage tolerance. My DH and I moaned about various members of our families every Christmas. Now we only have one parent left between us, we both wish we could have the rest back with us, no matter how painful it was at the time having them to stay. Sorry if that sounds a bit trite, but rolling over into December is reminding both of us about the family members we can no longer moan about.

I see your point lolb - I have actually lost both my parents - which is why I would always get her something. But a good relationship takes two, that is what I am realizing.