Feeling weird that my parents are getting Ds so much...should I not give him much, to compensate?

[Columbia]

We always had a few nice presents at Christmas, a stocking, little things, nothing massive - but my grandparents used to 'spoil' us a bit with fancy stuff we didn't really want, need or even appreciate half the time. It wasn't what Christmas was about for us as kids.

I'm on my own with Ds1 (4) and Ds2 (6 months) and had got them each a few bits - something quite big for Ds1 though.

I spoke to mum today and she has gone mad, got him about 5 really rather big things, which he is going to be very pleased with I'm sure - but she and dad always get him things he asks for throughout the year (he;s into electrical things, they bought him a kettle (!) and numerous sockets and adaptors etc. Genuine, proper kettle I mean. I was amazed...! But he has started to expect me to get him things whenever he has a whim...he asks them too, and he gets upset and indignant when they turn round (I have sometimes insisted they do this) and say 'no, not till your birthday' etc. They can't stand saying no to him.

They are very involved with his life and very close to him - great people and I am very glad of their help and care.
But I am afraid of Ds getting spoilt. I grew up not understanding about money and presents, I took it for granted and wished I had learnt what it was all about much younger.

I think maybe I should keep his 'big' present till his birthday in May, but I feel a bit like the loser having only got him little things and they are flooding him a bit.

What would you do? Speak to them? I'm not sure.

Definitely speak to them - you have already spoken to them about it so I assume they took that well. I think you also need to keep making it clear to ds that he can't have everything he wants. He's only young so there's time for him to learn. Look at how much stuff he'll have overall and if it looks ridiculous then save something for his birthday. We always used to open our presents slowly (over the course of a few days!) - one each before breakfast, see what everyone else has got, another after breakfast, all look at everyone else's, another after we were all dressed. You get the idea! I think this makes you appreciate everything rather than just ripping open all your New Stuff.

Perhaps your parents could save something until Easter for him?

My pil are like this but im in no place to mention anything and dp wont either so im stuck. In your situation I would say something and ask them to hold some back. I wouldnt not give him your big gift because you are his mum and you should be able to be the one who gives him a main present imo.

No matter what they give him, you are his mum and there is nothing else in the world that can ever beat that.

Would it be so bad if he associated GPs with lots of pressies, rather than you? It could take the pressure off you to deal with his constant requests throughout the year.

I agree I would ask them to hold a couple of things back for his birthday. But from the sound of it, he would be just as happy with 'smaller' things as the 'bigger' ones. (LOL at the kettle!)

won't all his presents come from father christmas at this stage? so he won't know who bought them?

I would speak to them and ask them to cut back a bit. Maybe only give him 2 of the things they've got for him and save the others for some other occasion.

It's great that they're so involved and love giving presents but it's your family and you need to set out how you want to bring up your children.

Perhaps they could start taking ds to swimming once a week, instead of giving so many presents all the time?

On a personal note, I would not allow a 4 yr old to have a kettle!

I agree that I am a bit about a kettle for a 4yo. Is there not a safety issue especially with a younger sibling? What do they envisage him doing with it?

^They are very involved with his life and very close to him - great people and I am very glad of their help and care.
But I am afraid of Ds getting spoilt. I grew up not understanding about money and presents, I took it for granted and wished I had learnt what it was all about much younger.^

just tell your parents that. You explained yourself very well and I don't see how your parents could be offended by that. If you "treat" children all the time doesn't it stop being a treat and become something they expect? I dunno.

Do your DCs have savings accounts? Couldn't you suggest that whenever your parents have an urge to treat their GCs they put some money in there instead? I'm guessing as you are on your own you don't have much spare cash for that sort of thing yourself.

i used to get really upset that my p- in-law(and i have 2 sets as my dh's parents are divorced!) got the kids so much. i felt a cheapskate because they'd spent far more than we a) could afford to and b) thought appropriate. But actually i've calmed down now. they have money, we don't. the kids ask for what they want by putting it on a list and i 'feed' some of these through to the p-in-laws and they get those things plus madly extravagant gifts. i am no longer jealous because i am more confident that my kids understand the value of what we have over 'things'. it's taken me over 10 years though! and i'll stil be around when they are long gone. but a kettle - some people do seem to confuse giving gifts for giving love

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions, I will think on't

Disclaimer:
The kettle was because he was (and still is a bit) obsessed with electrical appliances, since he was about 18 months old I suppose...the house has always been covered with trailing extension leads, plugs, wires, adaptors, that sort of thing...complicated connections everywhere. (I would at this point like to point out that none of it is ever actually live and despite various attempts to take it all away/ offer distractions, he would howl so mightily and obviously miss his game that we finally relented. I have never seen a child so obsessed with something.

He is now more into 'inventions' and uses other general rubbish and junk. Not so many cables now. But for about 3 years it was all about sockets. And I figured it was better to let him have unplugged ones than have him ambush the real stuff, which funnily enough he never really tried to do.

His first ever sentence was 'plug it in' and no, I don't think he is G&T!!!

he sounds lovely! and will be very useful around the house when he is older

...Oh and his idea of a heavenly Saturday morning excursion, was to go to our local Comet and walk around looking at all the appliances. strange child. The assistants eventually got fed up with him asking how everything worked that they started to give us the evil eye and we had to start going to Currys instead.

I COMPLETELY understand. I am on my own with DS (who is 5) and have spent about £45 on him including his stocking for Christmas.

That is 3 presents and his stocking from me (yes - he knows who buys it - FC delivers our gifts).

My mum has got him a few more things, spent more money and I feel weird... BUT I have the biggest box - that is all that matters to a 5 yr old!

As I say - I totally understand; we can feel weird together and remind eachother that it won't be like this forever. One day, we WILL be able to afford to spend more than £35 on their presents and a tenner on their stocking (if you do stockings).

As for being grateful for his presents, I overcame this by letting DS know who bought them - FC ONLY wraps and delivers.

Mummy spends her well earned money, saves it and gets him what she can afford - he LOVES that. He would be happy with only his stocking, to be honest... I think that is because he "knows" to a certain extent that I don't have much money. Sweets and other gifts to not come abundantly throughout the year (obviously things he needs do and the odd treat). My parents have to help me clothe him and pay for shoes sometimes; he doesn't mind that mummy doesn't buy all this stuff (don't think he cares much!)

Gratitude can come with a mountain of gifts; if he realises that it isn't whenever he asks - that may be more of a problem if your parents won't say "no" to his whims?

Thanks Lewis, you are a sweetie

Glad you understand.

I am just dwelling on the fact that I do get more cuddles than they do and suddenly, sharing the bed with s four year old who is all legs and elbows, seems like a big privilege!

Hope you have a great Christmas xx

my mum does this so I pilfer stuff off to spread out. She is constantly turning up with bag loads of toys for the dc which is great as it means christmas is cheap for us as we go through the stuff we have shoved into the loft on my mums visits then just buy one thing for each child.

Sorry X posted! Yes, I think it is so important that he knows it isn't always going to be a 'yes' as then children start to see gifts as a substitute for love, or something to stop them being bored, or whatever. I think that is where my shopping addiction has come from! Bored, Oh I'll buy something. It doesn't really work.

Your little man sounds gorgeous and I am sure he feels very lucky having a mum like you. Such a balancing act isn't it, but they are more aware and understand more than people might think.

Absolutely - all about balance.

I am glad I've found someone else who shares the bed with an arms/legs creature!!

Your little guy will be fine - I bet he won't sit there with a calculator and love the person who spent the most money

I think the issue is with us more actually - pride, maybe? Who knows.... it won't last forever though!

Have a fabulous Christmas!

Columbia remember what you said in your OP about how the same thing happened with your own grandparents, but it didn't change how you felt - it wasn't what christmas was about and didn't make you prefer your GPs. Your kids will have the same understanding deep down, especially as they have you and your sensible atitude to guide them.

I do think you could talk to your mum, very gently and stressing how grateful you are but you would like them to help you teach DS the value of things and to appreciate special things once in a while, not all the time. I have told my family over and over again that we don't want to spoil DS and I think it has sunk in. Apart from anything else, we don't have the space for all that big stuff - another point you could use if necessary.

In general I wish family membrs wouldn't do this though - it's as if they go mad and have no thought at all about over-consumption, the environment, or the negative effects of spoiling the kids. Let us all resolve not to do this if and when we become GPs...

its more about the giving - you r mum is gettinge njoyment our of giving.

so save your money

let her go overboard ...its xmas..... and then feed your kids uncooked rice the rest of the year

...was thinking kitekat its well cheap custy.

Got a similar issue. Last year my Mum had bought so many small things that we ran out of time on Christmas Day!!!!

So...this year I dropped lots of hints about having fewer things that DS1 (4) could concentrate on...she seemed to take that on board....THEN last week she was telling me about some of the things she'd bought and my Dad then pointed out that she'd been buying things all year so now our youngest (18 months) will also be getting masses and Im expecting that we'll be opening gifts throughout Boxing Day.

I wouldn't mind but it's mixed with an irrational meaness...so if she asks me what to get I'll say a box of lego for example and she'll suggest that it's rather pricey i.e. £35 but I reckon she must spend £100 but on 20 things.

It does mean we buy less for the kids...stocking presents from Santa and then one big present under the tree from us but I actually resent the fact that she's filling my house with rubbish because it fulfils her. Soon they'll be older and difficult to buy for so that might rein her in a bit.

Snowy you are right, he knows deep down what it's all about I guess . Thankyou all for these really helpful posts. I feel among friends you are all excellent!!

Sing from the same hymn sheet. Decide what you think is best for DS then speak to parents. If they care for you both they will go with your wishes. You are the parent now.

FWIW my dd is 19 mth and my mil is always getting her small things, which is fine, so do I (except we have asked she does not do this and only buy one present xmas and bday...see, don't follow my own advice ). So this xmas I have bought my dd a trike and my mil will no doubt buy about 5 big presents and the aunts and uncles will get her a present each too probably. Its lovely of all of them, really nice. And this year I could do with not spending lots on xmas presents. So they are doing me a favour! Oh and we did specify that mil would please get a driving wheel from m&s that our dd has shown great interest in!