Christmas Day arrangement

[Emsie1987]

Me and my husband have been together 15 years, married 5. Up until 2 years ago we always spent Christmas Day separately at our parents then met up in the late afternoon/ evening to see each other. This worked well for us both. We have now had a little person join our family and Christmas arrangements are more difficult. For years I have said to my husband when we have our family we obviously will spend it together and I don't really want to spend the day travelling between parents (they live 20 minutes away) I think kids should be at home playing with their new toys on the day. I also said that I didn't want to have people over for the main lunch as it would mean I would be in the kitchen cooking most of the day. Husband doesn't cook, doesn't do the online food shop or buy family presents so for me it's just more work for me and I work full time too, plus evenings sometimes. He was happy with this and thought that we could have parents visit us in the morning, evening if they so choose to.

Anyway my parents are happy with this (this was how i was raised, so no surprise to them) I am also an only child. However my father in law keeps asking would be nice to go to someone's else's this year, would be nice for someone to cook for us. Hinting to come over for lunch. Please bare in mind I have never had Christmas dinner with them so no need to return the favour as such but obviously my husband has almost of his Christmases there. Parents in law are not usually one to help or even get their own drinks so it's not like I would have additional help on the day. My son is 2 and I really don't want to spend my day cooking rather then playing with him. Am I in the wrong for not inviting people over for Xmas dinner? They do have another son who lives close by but they have three children and my sister in law is the same as me. Own family on Christmas Day but will spread themselves around on Boxing Day.

You are absolutely not wrong!
Stick to your guns.

What about starting a Xmas eve tradition of afternoon tea? Imo having nice people (if they are!) who appreciate time with your dc are worth investing your time in!

I totally agree with you. We have a xmas eve dinner tradition in our family which seems to work well. Everyone takes turns each year

We do just the 4 of us on Xmas day then everyone welcome Boxing Day just bring a dish. It’s fab. So YANBU

@30degreesandmeltinghere

What about starting a Xmas eve tradition of afternoon tea? Imo having nice people (if they are!) who appreciate time with your dc are worth investing your time in!

If it was me I think I would do something similar: Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. I like hosting but not on the actual day.

I appreciate this won’t work if you don’t like hosting though. Maybe everyone could go out for a meal or to an event like the panto together?

Not wrong.
I invite my parents over Boxing Day. In the lead up to Xmas they drop massive hints about coming over but o just say “oh what food would you like when you come over Boxing Day”.

Well to be fair if you are saying you won't ever travel and you won't ever have people over for lunch and you won't ever spend the day apart from your DH, your ILs will never get to spend Christmas day with their son/grandchildren - I mean I guess that's absolutely your/DH's right to decide that, but if they are used to big family Christmases I can see it would make them a bit sad to be sitting down to lunch alone.

Thing is every family is different, for you clearly it's all about being at home and new toys, for me and my family it's about spending time with extended family, purely my opinion but they have the whole rest of the year to spend time at home with their toys, there's only one Christmas day (I know, I know, it's possible to see relatives other days too before anyone jumps on me) so if I was your ILs in this situation I'd be just a little bit put out too. And also, unless you are about to drip-feed that his parents are abusive controlling monsters, you will have a pleasant day and will be able to spend time playing with DS and his toys/opening presents etc wherever you are?

Could you not do a bit of a compromise, perhaps alternating so this year as you want it (just you, DH and DC with visitors the day before/after or short visits in morning or evening only), the next year you either host the ILs or go to them, then the following year same but with your parents - or if your parents are genuinely not bothered then alternate the former two options?

I get that you don't want to spend the whole day cooking but with some judicious use of pre-preparation and purchase of ready made ingredients e.g. trays of M&S potatos, vegetables that just have to go in oven, ready made gravy and stuffing etc , I personally don't see cooking a roast for 5/6 people as something that needs to be a massive stressful marathon (presumably you'd be doing some cooking just for the 3 of you anyway?). Or since it's his parents that are the 'issue', delegate the whole of lunch to DH (don't say 'oh he can't cook', he has 6 months+ to learn, or 18 months if you say you'll have them next year, and presumably either his mother or father can cook themselves so they can help)?

I fully support any woman who doesn’t want to accept the burden of Christmas work.

I would suggest you sit down with your dh and list out all the extra jobs that Christmas brings, including the mental load. Listen to what is important to each of you and then work out what you want to do about extended family, ensuring that there is a fair division of labour.

We do this. We have always alternated christmas with our families but 2 years ago we realised we were spending much of Christmas in cars and there was no enjoyment for the kids or for us. We live away from family though so it was different. We used to drive up Xmas eve and back down on the 27th. Xmas day with one family and boxing day with the other. Now we travel up at the beginning of Dec for a long weekend and go out for a meal with each family instead and then facetime on Xmas morning.
I never spent Xmas day with either of my grandparents and it didn't effect our relationship at all.

Of your ILs want to see you that badly why aren't they offering to host .you? Probably because they know how much work it is & can't be bothered/would prefer someone else to.do it.

We alternate my mum & ILs but the cooking depends on who's going where with other relatives. It works well because it isn't one person every year. My ILs want to see all of her grandchildren and so.is happy to facilitate that by hosting, you'd think your ILs could do the same.

Ideally the best two options would be to have one big family gathering with both sets of in laws and we all pitch in. However families don't get alone (fil is can be rude, unsocial). Otherwise, like I said have one set in the morning and the other in the evening. Or someone comes over before lunch or in the day (not expecting to be fed) and we go to the other in-laws in the evening. Both sets of parents live 5 minutes drive away the other 15 minutes. We see each other every weekend so this whole quality time together because it's Christmas Day happens every weekend.

What I mean by my parents not being bothered is that they are laid back (don't like to make things more stressful) so would just accept the situation. We can't make Xmas Eve a tradition as that's my dads birthday and in our family we don't consider that Xmas time and he celebrates his birthday and gets a visit like other members of family would get on their birthdays the rest of the year. If we don't see any parents on Xmas day we would then need to split Boxing Day between the both of them. Living so close to our parents means there is sort of no excuse not to see them.

The poster who said if my husband wants his family her then he can cook is probably the only solution. Would be interesting he literally can't boil pasta.

Do not wobble.
Do not move an inch.
you are staring the Death Of Christmas As You Dreamt It in the face and you must not blink.

YANBU and you must stick to your guns. The next time they hint say you already have your plans. say no in a million, creative ways. they will get the message eventually

I'd get your DH cooking lessons as a Christmas present! I can't understand anyone- male or female, who can't even cook the basics, or bother to learn as an adult. Even more so when they have a child!!!

As an alternative solution, eat out. Rather than the stress of cooking, could you suggest going to a local gasto pub or restaurant instead? Either locally to you, or midway the other family members? Pre-covid we did this with my PIL's and it was great. No cooking or washing up!

Each family pay their own way too BTW!

I wouldn't mind eating out but in laws don't like eating out in generally. They eat in all the time and just have takeaways.I don't think my parents would want to pay the amount restaurants charge for that either.

It was much easier last year when we were in lockdown. The year before that my husbands brothers family went to them so they didn't bother asking us/wasn't enough room.To be fair that year we did go to my mums as the baby was three months and there was no way I was cooking a roast I had horrible birth and was still healing.

My husband seems on my wave length at the moment. So I think as long as it stays that way we will be okay. His parents argue a lot as well which I think is his main reason for not wanting to make the effort either.

Many women hate xmas day for this very reason, it's hard to pull holly jolly xmas from your butt whilst everyone sits around waiting for you to sort presents, decorate, cook, serve everyone, deal with kids hopped up on sugar and all the jazz. So everyone else enjoys the day whilst you're stressed. And xmas changes as kids get older, it's nice to enjoy the magic with them when they're young.

With my family we have an "xmas dinner" normally the weekend before xmas, so siblings can come join as well, we open presents from each other then. Then xmas day is just for us and the kids can run riot.

What does your DH say?

I say start as you mean to go on and resist the whole taking responsibility for Christmas thing that do many women get dumped on them!
You spending the day with your child is far more important than pandering to fil's wish to have all his own way. Why should you cook all day so that a rude, unsocial, argumentative man can do as he pleases. When you factor in that he hasn't hosted you, only his own son, then there's even less reason to put yourself out.
Don't get into the whole alternating Christmas BS - it breeds resentment and entitlement. Just do what suits your own family unit - I think it's fine to invite people over for a few hours visit and not feel obliged to cater for them all.
I'd also knock every weekend visiting on the head too

If in-laws want to visit on Christmas Day, let them come over for an hour but your DH sorts out drinks and snacks for them. He also sends them on their way so they don’t end up staying all day.

We usually have Christmas Day just the three of us. We entertain my family (who are local) on Christmas Eve for a dinner of homemade pie but they all leave by 8.00pm. DP’s family are on the other side of the country so we see them as and when over the festive period. They usually come to us as we have more room and stay a few days.

I prefer Christmas Day being just us at home as it is more relaxed and we can please ourselves. The odd year we have relatives over on Christmas have been good but we called it and were not pressured into entertaining people when we hadn’t wanted to.

I'm with you @Emsie1987. They've presumably had their Christmases with their own young children. Now it is your turn. I have made it a rule that we are at home on Xmas day on our own to make our own family Christmas traditions at home. We love to see other family in the week before and after Christmas Day.

My solution to this since having kids is: eat main meal at 5pm. Put out a lovely buffet over lunch. Kids, you, guest etc just help themselves. Use paper plates and its so easy to tidy up! Then, when everyone is having some down time, watching a film, about 3pm I put the Turkey & gammon in the oven. If you prep the veg the night before, all you have to do is give OH the job of potatoes. Everything else pigs in blankets, stuffing, cauli cheese is just put in the over. It gives me the whole day with the kids, watching them opening and playing with gifts. By 3pm I'm ready for a potter in the kitchen and my first glass of wine!

@thelegohooverer exactly, the pressure is always on women to sort Christmas. Just no. It’s super convenient that your husband can’t cook, he’d better learn how to

The last time l did Christmas then l ordered everything, collected it and cooked it. My then husband, brother and mother didn’t want to wash up. Zero chance of me doing it as l had done EVERYTHING else. My then husband lost the battle of wills and washed up, he glowered at me for the rest of the day. I sense my mum wants me to do it this year. No way. My brother or my auntie should do it but they won’t

I absolutely love hosting and normally have 12 in total. All my prep is done before hand.

All veg is peeled and chopped and stored in fridge
Any sauces, braised cabbage, etc is all prepped before
The table is set on Christmas Eve
The only thing I do on Christmas Day is put stuff in the oven / ham in slow cooker.
My partner does drinks and then it’s a help yourself.
My partner and other family members take care of the tidying up.

I’ve only been doing it for a few years once we moved in together and it’s always a lovely relaxed day. I definitely do not spend all day in the kitchen and everyone chips in, something I’ve never asked anyone to do either they just do it.