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Christmas

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Original poster

Avoiding a repeat Christmas

29 replies

ILoveMagnums · 30/06/2021 10:46

Last year was bliss because Christmas was canceled and that meant that I didn't have to slave over Christmas for my DH's family.

I don't think we have a very close relationship with them. We only see them 3 or 4 times a year despite them living quite close and that last time I saw my SIL and her boyfriend was a year ago despite them living close by. Yet, come Christmas and it is all "Happy Families" and we all have to get together to celebrate Christmas day because after all, it is about "family". However, being the only ones with DC, and Christmas being all about sharing the magic with them, I end up hosting (clean, plan, shop, prep, cook/ spend all day in the kitchen, tidy up and then spend 4 days cleaning the house up after the group bombardment). On top of this, they all expected massive presents because they buy my DC gifts and they expect the same amount back on them. They used to come for a few days but I stopped this as they expected a Christmas Eve meal and a full-on meal on Boxing Day too.

As you can see, I f*cking hate this setup and dread Christmas. I do sometimes book a holiday away, but that is not happening at the moment.

Anyway, last year was great for me. Also, just before Christmas, I told them all not to spend lots of money on my DC and just buy them some sweets because it is all getting too expensive. My DC don't care about not getting a gift from them. I haven't seen them for a year, so not see the reaction face to face about their gifts but I would expect a massive cat's bum face over it.

Anyway, back to Christmas 2021. I don't want to host and I don't want to buy anyone any presents aside from a bottle of wine and box of chocolates.

When should I convey this? Is it too early in June? Also, how can I get my point across. There will be pushback.

OP posts:
AphroditeGoddessOfLove · 30/06/2021 11:15

I'm also planning on doing this. I find that if we tell people our plans and don't even hint at an apology for it I.e. "we quite enjoyed a quiet Christmas last year so we're looking forward to having one again this year" instead of "I know you love the big Christmas and I'm so sorry but we just would prefer to be alone this year" people are less argumentative. If they know you feel bad they think they can pressure you to change your mind.

Just don't entertain it.

Sundancerintherain · 30/06/2021 11:18

Easy, just tell them. No apology, no excuse.

DonLewis · 30/06/2021 11:45

I find being direct but polite useful.

Hi hateful family, just giving you plenty of notice that we won't be hosting Christmas this year. We're also doing smaller gifts, please don't feel under pressure to buy the children big gifts. We hope you have a wonderful time, X

The only other thing you could do is soften it with, shall we go for a Christmas walk on boxing Day?

Crowsaregreat · 30/06/2021 11:49

Where is DH in all of this? Let him sort it out. You can always have a bit of a Christmas party on a day that isn't actual Christmas. We see ILs in an airbnb in January and pretend it's Christmas, share the cooking etc.

Tell them it's all too much for you and then step back.

PurpleMustang · 30/06/2021 12:06

I would decide between you and DH what you want to do Xmas Eve on wards to New Years. Decide if you want to see them in that time. Or before or afterwards. And then when and what for, drinks, dinner just a walk. And then stick to it. And them wanting expensive gifts in return I think is off as your money could go on the kids.

Howshouldibehave · 30/06/2021 12:10

What does your DH say? Why are you doing all the work for his family? What does he do?

I wouldn’t be doing it all and DH wild be the ones telling them. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you have to host everyone-just don’t suggest it. They can’t invite themselves to your house.

If your DH doesn’t agree with you, as always on these threads, you have a DH problem.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 30/06/2021 12:33

Send out a family email saying that you have decided that Christmas has become too commercial/expensive/hard work and so you will be paring right back. You have decided to only send cards, not presents and would like family to do the same for you. Tell them you have also decided not to host because it means you are too busy to enjoy Christmas yourself, but will be happy to meet up for drinks over the holiday period. You have to be honest and upfront. In giving plenty of notice, people can make their own arrangements. I wouldn't worry too much about the feelings of people who don't consider yours!
Most important thing here is whether your DH will back you up. If he won't then you are going to have to get tough with him too. Sometimes you just have to be brave and say no, even to your husband.

SemiFeralDalek · 01/07/2021 17:47

I'd set your stall out early, like a pp said "we found having a quiet Christmas really suited us last year, we will be doing the same this year! We plan to do token gifts! Looking forward to seeing all of you at some point over the festive period!" and then see if any of them suggest going to their house etc, which I bet they won't. Don't offer alternative dates or suggestions for get togethers.

Micemakingclothes · 01/07/2021 17:54

Now is the time to make these plans. Some people shop early so fall or winter can cause problems.

First You need to sit down with your DH and come to an agreement. What hosting if any do you want to have at your home? There are some advantages because you don’t have to drag the kids out. If you do any hosting, what are his responsibilities? Should the meal be ordered in or even catered? Should you book a cleaner for before the visit? Who will be responsible for doing the post cleaner tidy?

Make a list of who will receive gifts from your household, set a rough budget, and divide up the list.

Then once the two of you agree, invite your family if you are hosting anything or tell them you are not hosting if that is the case. Don’t argue. Just let them know your plans and invite them to join or not.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/07/2021 18:01

Just learn to say no. I haven't done a family christmas for over 10 years. I'm not a christian and don't want to celebrate christmas I just want to relax and enjoy my days off.
They all think I'm a massive humbug but I just don't care.

toysfkidsDOTcom · 02/07/2021 11:07

This reply has been deleted

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Poppins17 · 04/07/2021 20:46

I agree, just be direct and tell them now what your plans will be… even something along the lines of - we won’t be seeing anyone from 24th to 27th but will be free thereafter the schedule something in if you wish… enjoy the Christmas you want!

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 02/08/2021 12:44

Make your decision and stick to it, dont give in to pressure. We have Christmas day alone with our children. We see my family Christmas eve and DH family on boxing day. This works for us.

If you do decide to host them over the Christmas period, do a buffet. No cooking required on the day, less washing up. We do that Christmas eve, its great.

Most importantly though, DH needs to step up, all this shouldn't just be on you to prep, clean and sort out.

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/08/2021 12:46

@SemiFeralDalek

I'd set your stall out early, like a pp said "we found having a quiet Christmas really suited us last year, we will be doing the same this year! We plan to do token gifts! Looking forward to seeing all of you at some point over the festive period!" and then see if any of them suggest going to their house etc, which I bet they won't. Don't offer alternative dates or suggestions for get togethers.
This sounds perfect
MrsDThomas · 02/08/2021 16:11

Easy, you stick to last year from now on. If you don't do it now you never will. We hosted an inherited guest from MIL (relative) for years when the kids were small. And absolutely hated it. DH would drive to get her in the morning. Eat, drive her home at tea time.

BIL would call on Christmas morning 200 miles away (he moved away years ago and it became obvious why) to say happy Christmas, already enjoying the festivities. It really pissed DH off.

Then she died, and i’ll be honest, we were thinking of OUR Christmas as soon as we could. But the youngest was 9 by then and the oldest 15. The magic had gone.

Now we love Christmas. We do what we want, prosecco for breakfast, film in the morning, lunch, walk, nap, port with cheese, no driving. The kids love it!

Please, do it. Kids grow too quickly. I don’t know how old your kids are but the magical santa time is limited to just a few years. Enjoy it!

girlywhirly · 03/08/2021 16:02

I think a lot of people will be changing the way they do Christmas, after last year and finding how they enjoyed it more as were less stressed and spent less on food and drink, and it was more restful not having to host. I think it’s really rude to expect the same family to host every year, and expect expensive gifts from them as well. Giving expensive gifts to your DC doesn’t begin to cover the sheer effort and expense you have gone to to entertain them.

Not having seen them for a year seems the perfect opportunity to just stop. No one knows what this winter will be like regarding Covid so you could end up cancelling anyway. It also breaks the pattern of them expecting to stay for a few days and making all that work for you. I hope DH is supporting you in this.

jerometheturnipking · 03/08/2021 17:03

We're planning on sticking with last years arrangements. We've not officially told anyone this yet though because, you know, August. But last year was the first time I've actually, truly, enjoyed Christmas Day since having children. I was used to Christmas Day being a total faff and then getting to enjoy myself on Boxing Day.

Mindyourbusiness22 · 17/08/2021 13:32

We’ve told everyone in these exact words “we aren’t buying anyone Christmas presents this year” and you know what happened??

Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. Nobody cares. They are just happy to spend time with one another. If someone had a problem with our decision then they’d be told to get a grip!

NannyAndJohn · 17/08/2021 13:38

My inkling is that we'll be having another Lockdown Christmas so those with nightmare relatives shouldn't worry too much.

But we'll be doing the same as last year regardless. Staying at home with short Zoom calls instead of big tedious gatherings.

Mustbethewine · 19/08/2021 00:43

Agree with others. You need to announce your plans now before your family start assuming they're coming to yours. I'm pretty sure many people will be thinking the same as you this Christmas

DiamondBright · 21/08/2021 07:12

I wish I'd taken a stand on Christmas when DD was small but I bowed to family politics and kept MIL happy. Post divorce and it took a new relationship to give me the opportunity to say we'd be having Christmas at home quietly. Make a plan and stand firm together.

emilylily · 23/08/2021 14:55

At the start of September just say 'We've decided that we really like having a small Christmas with just our household- that way we can make our own traditions and have a relaxed time and the kids get our attention on the day but we'll meet up after 27th for a meal in a pub/restaurant'.

Notaroadrunner · 23/08/2021 14:58

You tell your Dh you're not hosting Christmas ever again and that you won't be going out to buy gifts for his family. And then he deals with telling his family however he wishes.

EL8888 · 23/08/2021 15:11

Life is too short. I’ve already discussed options with my fiancé, it’s going to be limited time off work and going out for Christmas dinner for us. We won’t have long moved house, we both have new job roles and will be doing more IVF so we have more than enough going on. I have an inkling my mum thinks l should do Christmas this year. I don’t and l won’t -it’s not even my turn. Just be upfront and give people lots of notice, don’t let it turn into a debate or negotiation

pommepommefrites · 23/08/2021 15:12

@Notaroadrunner

You tell your Dh you're not hosting Christmas ever again and that you won't be going out to buy gifts for his family. And then he deals with telling his family however he wishes.
Best plan!