Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

Should you lie to your child? A discussion.

26 replies

ProgressiveParenting55 · 29/01/2021 18:27

Do any parents here tell their child that Father Christmas/Santa is real? I couldn't bear to lie to my child's face for another year so I came clean about the jolly fake figurehead. My child understood completely and even thanked me more for the presents they'd reviewed the previous year as they now realised it was us that paid for them and not a made up man (my child's words).

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 29/01/2021 18:29

I will to her beautiful wee face until she asks me for the truth!
To do anything else is utterly selfish.
How old is your poor child?

Original poster
ProgressiveParenting55 · 29/01/2021 18:33

@FelicityPike

I will to her beautiful wee face until she asks me for the truth! To do anything else is utterly selfish. How old is your poor child?
Why would you say it was selfish? I would say it was actually the exact opposite and would actually provide better understanding of their classmates and friends.
OP posts:
kowari · 29/01/2021 18:33

It's never been one of our Christmas traditions.

Original poster
ProgressiveParenting55 · 29/01/2021 18:36

I never wanted to initially, I try to educate them in the actually background of the holiday and it only goes to prove how far removed it really is now.

OP posts:
TheChip · 29/01/2021 18:36

I dont think it is selfish at all to tell your child that santa is not real. We tell our children not to lie, all the while keeping a lie going for years.

You can keep the Christmas spirit, even with the truth.
I eased mine into the truth by telling them that I got the presents, and sent them off to santa to deliver them since some things are too hard even for the elves to make and santa doesn't have the money to buy everything.
It also helped when they were asking for things that I just simply couldn't afford.

I absolutely hated knowing that I was bare faced lying to them.

TeddyBeans · 29/01/2021 18:37

My son's too young to understand but father Christmas is part of the joy and excitement of christmas day so I'm perfectly happy to 'lie' to him. It didn't do me any harm growing up, I never even asked for the truth about Santa

FelicityPike · 29/01/2021 18:38

I’d say it’s selfish because it was entirely for your benefit. Your child didn’t ask you to help them understand his peers or because they had heard rumours or stories.
Unless they’re early high school age then it was selfish in my opinion.

Winebottle · 29/01/2021 18:38

I will tell them he is real until they find out for themselves. Nobody tells the truth all of the time. Whether lying is bad or not depends on the situation.

Justbetweenus · 29/01/2021 18:38

I’ve never met an adult who feels deceived by their parents for going along with a bit of make-believe when they were young. Do such people exist?

Original poster
ProgressiveParenting55 · 29/01/2021 18:42

Last Christmas a friend of my child's told her Santa/FC brought her only 2 gifts in which my daughter told her she would ask Santa/FC to give her some of her own to make it even which really made me smile, it was only after I realised about the social and economic complications of lying to your child. To her friend this meant Santa liked my daughter more than her and had to be persuaded to be given more. Who knows what kind of trauma this could bring?

OP posts:
AIMD · 29/01/2021 18:43

Yes I say Santa is real. It does feel a little unfair to lie but they love it so it’s something special.

It is an odd double standard to lie but to expect them to be truthful about things.

I dunno I figured I’d tell them the truth if they ever directly ask if he was real or not.

kowari · 29/01/2021 18:44

I think each family can choose what Christmas is about for them, and what family traditions they would like to have. It's completely up to them.

AIMD · 29/01/2021 18:47

@ProgressiveParenting55

Last Christmas a friend of my child's told her Santa/FC brought her only 2 gifts in which my daughter told her she would ask Santa/FC to give her some of her own to make it even which really made me smile, it was only after I realised about the social and economic complications of lying to your child. To her friend this meant Santa liked my daughter more than her and had to be persuaded to be given more. Who knows what kind of trauma this could bring?
I don’t think it’s the belief in Santa that can be harmful. I think it’s when people use Santa as a tool to manage kids behaviour (taking away presents and threatening with the naughty list) that is harmful. Many parents do that anyway though regardless of Santa/Christmas.
Twattergy · 29/01/2021 18:49

Kept it up until after this Xmas when confirmed to my 9 yo DS that santa is not real. He'd been asking me for 2 years really badgering me, and I held off until I knew he knew already. If he hadn't asked me repeatedly to tell him I wouldn't have.

MsChatterbox · 29/01/2021 18:51

I'm not saying either way. I don't buy into the whole leaving mince pies out for santa. I don't talk about santa coming. But if my son talks excitedly about santa I say "that's exciting" or something similar! If he says santa brought presents I says "did he?". But I won't purposefully say the presents are from santa.

peapotter · 29/01/2021 19:00

We talk about the original Santa, St Nicholas, and how people give secret presents in memory of what he did. So yes, Santa is real, because Santa is whoever fills the stockings in secret. And no, I’m not saying who it is this year.

For the younger kids we talk about “a Santa” visiting playgroup etc rather than Santa.

Justbetweenus I’m one who felt let down by my parents. I can remember very clearly the moment, and the feeling of betrayal of trust. I was a oververy sensitive child.

Aimee1987 · 29/01/2021 19:00

@ProgressiveParenting55

Last Christmas a friend of my child's told her Santa/FC brought her only 2 gifts in which my daughter told her she would ask Santa/FC to give her some of her own to make it even which really made me smile, it was only after I realised about the social and economic complications of lying to your child. To her friend this meant Santa liked my daughter more than her and had to be persuaded to be given more. Who knows what kind of trauma this could bring?
This story is similar to one I read on a childrens charity page one Christmas. Child a gets a play station and child b gets a coat and scarf. Child b feels like hes been bad because he also asked for a play station. In this scenario family of child b cant afford a playstation but he needs a new coat and scarf so that's what they got him. But the kid doesnt understand and thinks Santa hates him.

For this reason we have always given the big stuff to DSS from us and stocking filler type gifts from Santa.

stackthecats · 30/01/2021 18:32

My child (7) got extremely upset about whether Santa was real or not this past Christmas -- even to the point of genuine sobbing hysterics and despair when she caught my DH going in with the stocking presents in the small hours of Christmas Day. She then immediately rationalised this as Santa not wanting to come in the house because of Covid, but she was so distraught that we didn't want to counter this narrative in the middle of the night. She's recently said to me that if she finds out Santa isn't real, she will be devastated and doesn't know why adults would lie for years then disappoint children by telling them he's not real after all Sad

Whereas my nephew (8) was perfectly happy to be told this year that Santa wasn't real and wasn't bothered about it at all.

I guess how do you know in advance whether your child is going to be which kind of kid? I used to think that the Santa lie was a nice one that did not harm, but now I'm not so sure. Sad

NoWordForFluffy · 31/01/2021 18:33

Honestly, I've never come across such angst other than on MN!

Maybe do a search on the topic. It's been done to death.

kowari · 31/01/2021 18:42

I haven't read anything I would call angst in this thread.

Radishesandcake · 31/01/2021 18:48

I tell my dc that children know more about magic than grown ups to all questions right now and say 'the story goes that . . .' when I do need to talk about Father Christmas. They get told enough about Santa etc by nursery, books and cbeebies. I do put presents in a stocking on Christmas eve as well as from us and try to tell them lots of other fairytales and magical legends too so it's not all about Santa.

I hope to emphasise and encourage enough critical thinking and science and questioning what they believe and know that by the time they grow out of the magical thinking stages and start rationalising they will work it out and I won't have to disillusion them as a big shocking revelation/ admission of years of lying.

Suzi888 · 31/01/2021 18:50

There was a similar thread before Christmas. We believe here Smile it’s all part of the magic.

lazylinguist · 31/01/2021 18:56

It's not selfish to not do Father Christmas. Lots of people don't, for all kinds of reasons. But all the hand-wringing about 'lying to your child' always strikes me as remarkably po-faced and literal-minded. It's a story that we collectively pretend is true. It's make-believe. Young children have a much more flexible boundary between fantasy and reality anyway.

My dc are now 12 and 15 and obviously don't believe in FC any more. We never disillusioned them, they just gradually realised, like most children probably do. They still hang their stockings out, and enjoy playing along with the fiction. If I asked them if they thought it was wrong of us to 'lie'to them all those years, they'd look at me like I'd gone barmy.

I know there are some children that get upset about it, but (barring SN), I can't help feeling that the way they deal with it is probably mostly down to the way the parents do it, and the way the parents talk to their dc about stuff in general.

lazylinguist · 31/01/2021 18:59

I don’t think it’s the belief in Santa that can be harmful. I think it’s when people use Santa as a tool to manage kids behaviour (taking away presents and threatening with the naughty list) that is harmful. Many parents do that anyway though regardless of Santa/Christmas.

Definitely. Christmas shouldn't be a discipline tool. And handing over responsibility for managing your child's behaviour to a fictional character (or other adults - 'the man will be cross' etc) is weak parenting imo.

BeaSmithers · 31/01/2021 19:00

@ProgressiveParenting55

Last Christmas a friend of my child's told her Santa/FC brought her only 2 gifts in which my daughter told her she would ask Santa/FC to give her some of her own to make it even which really made me smile, it was only after I realised about the social and economic complications of lying to your child. To her friend this meant Santa liked my daughter more than her and had to be persuaded to be given more. Who knows what kind of trauma this could bring?
You are absolutely batty!