So - who's had the "You never come to us/you always go to them" row with their parents/IL's??

hifi · 25/10/2007 13:19

we have it every year, my mum never gets a break. her excuse is where would all the rest of the family go, i think we should all take it in turns to have my patents, we are 3 girls. the other two just plonk themselves there all xmas without lifting a finger.

Original poster

theUrbanDevil · 25/10/2007 13:35

i didn't realise how much worse it got when kids were involved...

OP posts:

constancereader · 25/10/2007 13:37

I am waiting for this one, I want to have Christmas at home with my children, just like I had when I was growing up. I forsee arguments.....Not looking forward to it really.

You have my sympathy.

LilianGish · 25/10/2007 13:51

I've given up. BIL and family NEVER invite MIL so she always comes to us wherever we go (latterly we've stayed at home which is what I prefer, but if we went to my mum and dad's she would come there too). They always go to SIL's parents who live in a huge pile in the Highlands (MIL not really welcome as she can't hold a gun). I would never make a fuss as I'd HATE MIL to think she was causing a problem and wouldn't dream of leaving her on her own at Christmas. I've come to the conclusion that not being able to do exactly what you want at Christmas is all part and parcel of being married and hope that by leading by example the dcs won't leave me out if I'm left on my own in years to come. Actually as I type this I realise she's sort of become part of our Christmas tradition now - would probably really miss her if she wasn't there.

FluffyMummy123 · 25/10/2007 13:51

Message withdrawn

lilospell · 25/10/2007 13:56

When we were first married, we took it in turns: my parents' house one year, PILs' next, ours next (parents lived at opposite ends of the country, we're inbetween). Carried on when DS was born but after an awful Christmas at my ILs, I decided we would stay at home. Anyone who wanted to come to us could, if not, we were staying at home anyway. Since then, we've lost all but one parent. Remaining parent supposedly alternates between our house and my brother's but usually comes to us at some point over the festive period. It's really hard, I think. Keep trying to imagine what I'll be like when our DCs are grown up and have to make these decisions, but too painful to dwell on that prospect!

Fimbo · 25/10/2007 13:59

We solved the entire problem by moving 8hrs away from both of them. Too far to travel for a few days {good excuse!}

jelliebelly · 25/10/2007 14:00

Dh and I have been married for 10 years and we've never really cracked this one. Ds will be 2 this year and we've decided to stay at home and invite all to ours - if they don't want to come then they can stay at home!! - I'll let you know if it works out.....

LilianGish · 25/10/2007 14:00

I think that's fine when there are two of them Cod, but leaving someone to spend Christmas alone would be too miserable for words.

FluffyMummy123 · 25/10/2007 14:18

Message withdrawn

MrsBadger · 25/10/2007 14:20

nope [smug]
Christmas day is always just us at home

but we both still have both parents - would be different if not

lilospell · 25/10/2007 14:56

jelliebelly, I'm with you on that one. I'm sure it will be fine. I was worried the first Christmas we had on our own - my Mum went to my brothers - so no parents with us for the first time ever. It was fine, we did just what we wanted and in some ways worked extra hard to make Christmas Day special. Somehow, tho, I find it more special when the extended family is with us.

Original poster

theUrbanDevil · 25/10/2007 15:21

when ds is grown up he can do whatever he likes. so long as he doesn't want us to spend Christmas with his IL's rather than with our other (potential) dc's.

OP posts:

lizziemun · 25/10/2007 16:33

I get in around about way MIL always says " I don't mind what you do for christmas, but if we don't see you christmas day we see you boxing day".

I have to say it goes in one ear and out the other as i won't go anywhere far on christmas day as christmas is for children. I don't understand why parents/in law want children to spend all day travelling rather then letting children play with their presents.

She doesn't like because my mum either comes to us or we go to hers for dinner. My lives a 2 minute walk away.

lizziemun · 25/10/2007 16:34

Sorry should read "My mum lives a 2 minute walk away."

joanna4 · 28/10/2007 19:20

Kind of had this my sister invited us to hers I told her no as I didnt want my in laws being alone on xmas day whereas my sister will have a house full.
I hadnt asked them to come to us at this point.The other day my mil told me she didnt have time for trailing the shops etc for xmas things for my kids so I thought stick it why should I feel bad if her and fil spend xmas day alone.She obviously thinks its too much effort I will save her the trail to my house - the one she only bothers to come to if no better offer is on the table anyway.
I am doing xmas dinner at home and early evening we are off to my sisters house for a few drinks and a bit of a wii tournament.
I will be entertaining my in laws on boxing day IF i can be bothered!

bunnyhunny · 28/10/2007 19:33

We used to spend Christmas day going to my mums, my dads, mils and fil. That was before kids.
Last christmas I was too pregnant to get to il's (mum and dad came over here), and we didn't get a Christmas Card or anything. So this year I think we should invite them over here, then go out!

bunnyhunny · 28/10/2007 19:34

hey urban! didn't realise it was you who started this thread. how is the child genius?

ScaryScienceT · 28/10/2007 19:36

Solution - go to neither. Just have Christmas on your own or go to a restaurant.

Other solution is to have everyone to you.

JARM · 28/10/2007 19:43

My dad is on his own.

I have always (bar one when mum was still alive and brother living at home) spent christmas at his house, right up until last year.

This year because we are now in a house that is ours (well HA but as close to ours as we will ever get) we have invited him to ours to save him doing all the donkey work again and to give him a rest.

I am looking forward to it, but I really would like next year, not to feel like I have to invite my dad and that my brother and SIL will offer, but I know they wont. SIL is 6mnths shy of 30yrs old and never spent a christmas away from her mum and dad.

Dont get me wrong, I love my dad to bits, and I would NEVER EVER have him wake up on his own christmas morning, I just couldnt do it, so if that means we rotate between the both of us now, then so be it. Would rather that than think of dad alone.

PIL are not an issue thank the lord - we and them couldnt think of anything worse than having each others company on christmas day! 9 times out of 10, FIL is working anyway, and from what DH says, his childhood christmas's were not very good - he has only started enjoying christmas since we got married and have a proper traditional few days.

Anyway - ive rambled enough. I feel sorry for those who do have these arguments though. Life is far too short really, 4yrs ago I wouldnt have imagined my mum not being around to see her grandkids at christmas.

ineedsleepandnow · 28/10/2007 21:59

Hmmm touchy subject in our house! FIL is totally monopolised for attention, money, donkey work etc etc by selfish spoilt bitch of a SIL and only rings DH when he wants something. My mum and dad will do anything for us unconditionally and as an only child i couldn't bear to leave them alone at Christmas. Quite frankly seeing anything of any of them over the festive season is too much! SIL takes, takes, takes all the time, in which case she can take, take, take him!!!

ineedsleepandnow · 28/10/2007 22:01

JARM - nothing wrong with not spending a Christmas away from your parents in 30 years - you just said you've only missed one!!!

ineedsleepandnow · 28/10/2007 22:02

'Quite frankly seeing anything of any of them' - referring to dh's family not mine!!!

JARM · 29/10/2007 07:35

but im only 25, and SIL still has both parents.... i think that is the big difference.

For the last 3 years my dad has been on his own and I cant let him be on his own on christmas morning.

I just sometimes sit and wish my brother would feel the same sometimes, but he is not as family orientated as me unfortunately despite being a really nice bloke, I dont think it occurs to him that if I didnt got to Dad or invite dad here, dad would be on his own. Its almost as if I am expected to!

bucksmum · 29/10/2007 07:55

We stay at home and anyone who wants comes to us, the more the merrier I think we are up to 16 this year and I love it!