When desperate doesn't cover it.

[pinkksugarmouse]

I know that this a first world problem and yes DD is 18 not a child but she has Aspergers, anxiety and is pretty vulnerable for her age. She has spent Christmas Day with her Dad since we separated and then divorced several years ago. This was agreed because he gets very little time off. She has been in his household due to covid but when she was 17 could move between households. But now she can't. She has always been with me for a few days before Christmas and I have made up for Dad's slack on the Christmas (and every other special occasion) front.
But I have now found out there isn't a single decoration up this year. She can't access them and he can't be bothered. I got her a few little orniments and a mini tree but there is nobody to get them there.
He ordered her one and only gift from him a week ago and now says it probably won't arrive in time. I don't drive and she is 13 miles away.
He is a workaholic and when I suggested he at least get her something from a Supermarket he huffed and sighed as though I suggested he scale Everest.

He gaslit the hell out of me when were married. Told me I was crazy every time I had even a minor disagreement with me. And now I feel as though its happening again. Our daughter (who was in hospital for horrendous panic attacks and self harm this year, on top of having her education turned upside down, has no decorations, no presents and a father who will probably be working from home all day. And every year she says "I should stay with Dad he doesn't get much time off for Christmas."

I am desperately trying to get him to get his finger out knowing he just won't and this year I can't make up for his lack of interest.

Tell her to come home.

Do you not know someone with a car or are there buses? You could drop bits off or go get her. What about amazon prime or argos same day/next day delivery?

If she really won’t come home and you can afford it, I would deliver Christmas to her. Even if Covid restrictions mean its a door step drop off. Get a taxi, go buy bung in the oven Christmas dinner, snacks, decs, make sure she has good Christmas films, deliver your gifts. Then make regular contact with her via facetime etc.
I know it’s hard but for her sake I’d be on the phone to your ex point out the stark reality of what your dd is facing.

Can you not get her home in a Taxi

Why can’t you bring her home?

Big hand hold here. Don’t think I have anything much practical to offer, but I do understand. I too am the mother of an extremely vulnerable young adult (DD1 is 19 and is in recovery from very severe anorexia that nearly killed her, has anxiety and depression and PTSD). It’s a really difficult time. Outsiders don’t always understand our need to continue to protect our vulnerable adult children. And in hoot case her own father isn’t on board either. Which makes it extra hard for you. It is very tricky to navigate all this. I really do get it.

On a practical note - can you have a Christmas in a box (presents and decorations) couriered over? Or pay for a taxi to take it?

When is DD1 due to come back to you? You can Skype or FaceTime her I’m sure throughout the day. Get her to plan a schedule of TV watching.

I’m sorry this is so stressful and upsetting for you.

Tell her to come home. This year is different to others anyway. Breaking the ‘tradition’ might be the best thing.

Yes, take Christmas to her or bring her home. It won't be good for either of you if she has an unhappy Christmas.

Can you get the bus if you both wear face masks? I think she needs to be with you this year.

Personally I think 18 yr olds still in education (especially if still in school) should be able to move between their parents' houses on the same terms as 17 yr olds. But I appreciate your daughter may insist otherwise (I have a just-turned 18 DD of a similarly rule-bound persuasion).

Hope you can get her home and give her Christmas.

Both of mine are revising for mocks this holidays, DD is inclined to just forget about Christmas. But I know it is important for all of us to mark it and have been trying to work out how we can focus on the things that are most important to us as a family while marking the differences. (A bit tricky when one of our normals would be attending about a gazillion carol services throughout advent...)

I couldn't allow her to go. I know she's of age to make her own decisions but I'd beg. Perhaps even lock her in and give her the best Christmas ever. And let her shitty father please his selfish self

💕 UPDATE - someone has very kindly come to my aid and will collect and deliver her presents and the decorations tomorrow. I was just too confused about the new rules. It says under 18s and she is 18. I didn't see anything about young people with additional needs.

After words were exchanged with ex, he has grudgingly suggested that he will go out and get a gift from somewhere. I wasn't standing for the patronising replies anymore. He isn't a bad father. He does love her. But I have always been the one who deals with occasions, school events, school meetings when she was being persistently bullied (over several years), medical appointments, picking her up when she has a break down. Sometimes he has had to ask me what school year she is in. It's just expected that I will deal with that and that and that as well. And sometimes I can't. And that has been when my mental health went down hill fast. I am better now after leaving and I am determined to stay better.

DH and I agree that she will absolutely be spending Christmas 2021 with us. She is determined to be with her Dad when it's the only time he has available because he is a workaholic. He is determined to make himself indispensable. But next year will be very different.

@miserableannie

I couldn't allow her to go. I know she's of age to make her own decisions but I'd beg. Perhaps even lock her in and give her the best Christmas ever. And let her shitty father please his selfish self

She is already there. But at least I know I can get stuff to her. She won't be there next year. That I am sure about.

I'm glad you have found someone to help you deliver presents and decorations - it will be lovely for her to receive these.
My DD is also away this year, stranded overseas, so we have agreed that we will eat Christmas lunch (whatever that is for the both of us) together on Zoom. Would something like that work for you and DD, if her dad doesn't have time to sit down and eat with her?

I don't understand why she just doesn't come home?

Get her home to you ASAP.

Why is this the only time he is available to see his child.
He should make time. At a time that is suitable for all of you.

Sorry OP that you have to deal with this idiot.

Ask her if she'd like to come home and go on the bus to fetch her if she can't travel herself. Even if he gets her a present, he'll still be a miserable twat on Christmas Day.

I’m glad you have managed to arrange for some decorations and presents to get to her OP.

Are they in an Amazon Prime delivery area? I’ve had to arrange for a few last minute presents from there to go to relatives I was going to see before the Tier 4 announcement, and have just had a a look and there’s still plenty of stuff that can get delivered before Christmas - maybe you can point your Ex in that direction?