Buying for families bigger than your own

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If you have time one chid and need to buy for families with a couple of / several children do you spend as much on each child as they spend on yours or even it out as a per family spend? Our income has dropped but we still seem to be expected to spend quite a bit per child and in some cases more than they’d tend to spend on ours. Don’t want to look like a tightwad but I’ve learnt not to ask what they’d like and thinking of reducing what I buy for future birthday/ Christmas gifts.

If you have 2+ children would you think this is tight? It’s just getting tricky to keep up with it.

No way more than they spend on yours.

We have no children and have adopted a policy of £x for under 10s and an increase for over 10s who then change to cash/vouchers.

Once they are over 10 they all seemed to be saving for tech gifts anyway so the cash was easier and stopped a lot of token giving on stuff they didn't really want. Also it was a lot less fun shopping for them as they got older as no more time spent buying cute farm or dinosaur toys selfish

Presents for adults have been culled to token gifts only.

I would never think any gift is tight and would be grateful for whatever is given.

My DB has 1 DC and we have 2. They often ask for an idea and I suggest something of £10 and under. I usually spend a little more on their DC, although he is only little so can get a lot for my money. We are poorer than DB so they don't expect us to spend a lot, anyway.

Another family has 3 DC - again we don't spend a lot about £10 per DC. They spend about £10 each on my 2. I have no problem with that atall.

I think yanbu to decide a budget per family, but ywbu to expect people with more DCs to spend more on your DC. Xmas will be more expensive for them after all with all.

As a bigger family I always made sure I spent more per child than they did for us, but we never see that side of the family. One member stopped buying with the premise of she would do something when she saw us, so eventually after several missed Christmases and birthdays I stopped and I stopped the other this year as we don't see each other from one year to the next, I have no idea what they want and it just felt wasteful in the end.

But I spent more as I knew we were more (by one).

We have 4 children and we and they are totally ok with a family gift -board game, art supplies etc. I was one of 4 growing up and also totally understood why we got a family gift!

When my bil and sil had just one child i always spent a bit more as we had two to buy for
My friend has only child and buys both mIne a gift for about £10 on birthdays , I usually spend about £15 on his birthday as that seems fairer.

We have also made the mistake of asking for lists and being sent one where every item was more than we were intending to spend.

Didn't make the same mistake again.

I think it depends how comfortably off you are. Now it would make no difference to me, but it did when my children were little and my earnings dropped and we were paying for childcare. We only bought for one family larger than ours. friend suggested we spend £10 per gift (this was 20 years ago). So I was spending £60 a year (birthdays and Christmas) vs her £40. That was a big difference back then. One year she said her children all wanted money and she would give mine money, so £20 spent on mine, £30 on hers. After that I suggested we just both buy our own children a little something extra as it was increasingly difficult to think of things. I didn't have the balls to point out I was spending more.

DH and I are childfree (by choice) and have 7 nieces and nephews between 2 and 18.

We spend quite a lot on them all for birthdays and Christmas and as we do ‘children only’, we get nothing back. It is what it is, we choose to spend what we can afford. Not having children means we buy ourselves nice things fairly regularly.

I have another brother with no children and he doesn’t buy for anyone, he just turns up at some point with a smile on his face and a nice bottle of something to share, no one is bothered by it.

Don’t see the point in getting worked up by what people buy or don’t buy.

Its very tricky within families. I remember quite a few years back getting stung when I bought, across my whole family, 7 presents and got 2 back, and 2 if those weren't thoughtful. It sounds selfish and materialistic, but at the time I was so disappointed. We chatted it out a few months after and now we buy for the kids only, apart from my parents, we still buy buy for them, them for us and them for our only DS.

I'm still privately peeved that we buy for 2, 2 child families, but we're working on a sibling for DS!

My friend has 3 kids, I used to spend £20 on each and she spent £20 on my one child. I didn't mind but she does so she's told me to just spend £20 split between the 3 of them and she will spend £20 still on mine.

You could speak to her and ask if she wants to rein in the spending as well?

@Goatinthegarden I couldn't give out 7 presents year after year and get nothing back, but I'm aware I have a massive sense of 'fairness' that I can't get over. From growing up my older brother always got more and it felt terrible unjust. I can't shake that feeling even now I'm almost 40!!

Goat I love the sound of your brother just turning up with a smile on his face

I'm with you there OP. We have an only and 11 nieces&nephews from 3 households. The agreement has been for years to spend £20 on each child so for our £220 we get £60 worth of gifts, mostly it's less though. I honestly wouldn't mind, especially since kids cost a lot but they pretty much always forget about DSD.

@TheLovleyChebbyMcGee

I might get annoyed if I felt hard done by, but I don’t really like receiving presents anyway. DH and I are more financially comfortable than any of our siblings and I’d hate for them to stretch themselves to buy me a gift I don’t need. I get on well with all of my family and would hate to get annoyed over the cost of presents - I only spend what I can afford..

Life is too short for resentment.

If it's too expensive then I'd agree on a lower budget per child for all the children including yours. All other things being equal, then a larger family has more outgoings and less spare cash to be buying for other children than a smaller family.

@Dnadoon my siblings and I are all from completely different planets, but when we get together, we just crack open a bottle and have a good time!

I think of children as individual people, not as a family with one family getting more than another.

On DH's side there are four families to buy for. Two of those have 4 kids, the others 2. Up until recently this year we only had 1dc.

The ones with 4 dc usually spent less on our DC than we did on each of theirs so it was pretty unfair. Last year DH told them we wouldn't be doing presents with them as it's costing us a fortune that we don't have what with saving for baby's arrival.

This year we have suggested a double secret santa. So buy two gifts receive 2 gifts as it's too much to buy for so many.
Went down like a lead balloon with the larger families!! Don't know what we're doing but we can't afford to buy for so many kids. It'll be £5 and a selection box at this rate.

You just need to do what's right for you. On my family when we were kids there was a culture of giving money every child got the same but I remember my mum who has two of us saying things about buying for her sister with four kids and how it cost her so much more but I think that was more because the sister was tight generally too.

I think giving a joint present is fine, as is spending less per child. Do what you can afford and what you want to do. Christmas shouldn't be about putting pressure on yourself.

Don't buy gifts for the adults if you are buying for their children for a start. And frankly unless they are directly related (niece or nephew) and under 16 I wouldn't buy anything either.
I do remember once exchanging gifts with my friend- she had three kids, I had two, all six and under. I thought what her kids would enjoy and spent about £20 on each. I was quite surprised to see my children getting one cheap toy worth about £5 and my daughter a nondescript toothbrush (not even a Disney character, just a plain baby toothbrush). They did not have any money issues, but obviously our expectations were different.
I used to get my cousins three kids gifts sent every Christmas- she never sent mine any. I stopped when she called to say she knew I had sent her children something but as they had so many gifts she couldn't remember what they were! And I have also been in the embarrassing position of unexpectedly receiving quite expensive gifts for my children with nothing to give in return!
While I would not be expecting the value to match, i do think broadly equal value for each family. If you are giving three presents to a family, then I would hope that family gives your one child something a bit more expensive. But stop this whole thing as soon as you can: or if you really want to give a gift, a board game or something the whole family can enjoy rather than individual gifts.

Good point Goat, that few years back I was a skint and almost single student, and the family involved were well off with 2 kids. It stung to spend almost £100 on them and they didn't care to buy anything nice for me.

My DH and I are better off these days, but I've never forgotten that feeling of being not cared for!

Thanks to everyone that’s replied. Really interesting hearing your experiences. In some ways it bothered me less when we had no dc and were buying for the others and their children (18 or so years of this). I guess now it’s different with less income and more outgoings. Particularly irksome when people have let you buy for several kids plus parents for years but then when you have one child it’s suddenly too expensive to buy for you as adults as well. I have listened to those pointing out that bigger families have the greater expense generally though and will take this on board. Moving forward, the odd family gift and not asking for (expensive) suggestions I think! Thanks

I find it odd that anyone would be "expected" to buy this or that. I have never in my life had a conversation where I in any way made it evident how much I expected to be spent on me or my child. I think that's very odd and rude.

I just naturally adjust things according to my budget, and I don't really expect anyone to notice or complain. My DPs brother and SIL have gone from having one child to three in the last few years, and the kids will all be getting one toy each. Tbh this is in line with what we have always done for them, they might be slightly cheaper toys but we have never spent a fortune on them.

Perfectly nice toys and books at Sainsbury’s and WH Smith etc - please don’t spend more than you can afford. Get something nice and age appropriate. If your relatives expect you to spend lots then they clearly don’t understand what Christmas is about.

Just spend a small amount- a well brought up child will be grateful. Debt for Christmas is a ludicrous thing to do.