SAHM - stuck on what to get DH

[HuntedForest]

I don't earn anything. Money is in a joint account. He buys what he wants whenever he wants e.g. two weeks ago he bought himself a new iPad because he said his had a mark on the screen and last week some new clothes for one of his hobbies. So right now, he doesn't need or want anything. I'll organise a couple of small things from the DC but stuck as to what to buy him, when he's the one who earns all the money and he'll see it on the credit card bill anyway! I don't tend to spend money unless it's necessary and I'm sure it's what we need. I am therefore crap at buying presents. I've got him a few small things (water bottle for bike, silly shower gel and some biscuits he likes) but stuck on a main present.

I know he's bought me a new watch, so I need to get him something!

It’s really tricky. Have you both talked (really talked) about money? Not just in regard to Christmas, but the deeper issues of how you spend as a family? It sounds like he freely spends his money and you tiptoe. I might be reading far too much into one post, of course.
It’s really important to get on the same page financially, not just in terms of how to spend but how you earn as a family. The impact of a sahm on a man’s career path is massive and devastating for a woman’s but for a family unit it can make financial sense. If you are enabling and supporting his career, and saving a chunk on nursery fees you are not earning nothing.
But, to focus on the smaller issues for a minute - buying for yourself after the 1st of November is not on! Not if you expect a decent Christmas present!

In the meantime though, take a look at the gifts for men threads on here for inspiration.

Could you not take some money out of the account and tell him that's your money to spend on Xmas presents? That way he can't see what you've bought and it's not all necessarily for his present?
Surely you can just say to him I want to buy you a Xmas present but don't want the surprise ruined by you seeing it on the account? He might be thinking the same about a present for you?

@thelegohooverer I’m a a sahm and I agree with you. There seems to be a couple of issues; a spending imbalance- why?, you can’t think of what to get him (something many women find difficult) and you didn’t have access to your own money. I think this is more of an issue for the relationship board than Christmas.

I alway give DH an amazing stocking but don’t really buy him a big gift as if it was something very expensive we would rather choose exactly what we want so instead we buy lots of smaller gifts.

My DH is a SAHP and he has a separate account that money is transferred to (exactly the same amount as me) for this very reason. Because it’s nice to treat someone without it showing on the account!

But in terms of what to get for him, are there any books that he’d like or things he said he’d like to try but never got round to? Is he a cook? Souschef do some great nice packages with ingredients and a cookbook

I’m in a similar position, although we have a long-term agreement just to buy one another some small stocking-filler type gifts, and a maximum budget each of £50. We normally then both get something we want when we see it, or organise a shared treat (in normal times, it might be an evening out or a spa day). This year, DH has bought himself an Apple Watch, so he has said that he will buy me a treat he knows I wouldn’t buy for myself, but this is a one off, and very much around equalling things up.

On the basis of ‘having your own money’, I only ever have the child benefit in my own account, and DH has nothing in his own name. All our money is in joint accounts, and we both have equal access to it. The only other personal accounts are savings, and I have more in those for tax reasons, although we both see the contents as shared and wouldn’t my use them without discussion.

Can you take out cash from the account to spend, then he won’t know what you’ve bought?

I could I suppose. But I've been trying to avoid going into town so I don't ever pay in cash, only credit card.

Do you not have your own bank account? Maybe you should get one?

That's what I did when I was a SAHM . CB went into it and I transferred money from OH bank account whenever I needed or for bday/xmas presents so they were still a surprise.

Even though we didn't have a shared bank account, because I always had full access to OH's no questions asked I never went without or feel like I have to justify every purchase.