What to do bout ex promises for presents

[Buzlightyear1]

So I would really like some advice on what to do. My ex is a compulsive liar, he just can’t help himself. He used to take all my money even sold my milk vouchers when our son was tiny. It ended with me calling the police on him as he used to for drugs in front of our baby to.

Now he is pretending he is not on drugs the social services have said he’s to have supervised visits . That’s ok but he’s recently been promising our nearly 4 year old different presents. I’m 99% sure he won’t get anything , the thing is I don’t want my little boy to be upset by broken promises. There is no talking to ex he’s a nasty piece of work who I’m scared of. So in this situation what would you do ? I was thinking of buying the gift myself for little one .

I wouldn’t. Only if he asks I would tell him daddy clearly didn’t remember, that’s not very nice of daddy. Do you want mummy to get it for you? Then I’d show the kid me buying it. Don’t cover for a waste of space.

Don't. Just say daddy must have forgotten and then gloss over it by going on about what he did get from other people.

Thank you both. I think that is a good idea, I don’t want to make his dad out like he’s doing something when he’s actually crap. At the same time I don’t want to hurt my little boy, he’s been through a lot so doesn’t deserve it. It’s just his dad is the most horrible person nice ever met but yet try’s to make out like he’s father of the year. Thank you both I really appreciate it.

I would balance my child’s expectations. I would wait till it’s mentioned in natural conversation by your son and suggest that although his daddy is going to try very hard to get him the things he’s said he would, some times it’s difficult but the important thing to remember is that his daddy tried really hard to make you happy.

Manage your child’s opinion of their father in an age appropriate way.
Don’t gloss over his failing or cover up for him as you are just piling pressure on yourself for the next time and when will that end? However don’t be nasty about your ex either. Hard I know when you don’t want to see your dc upset.
If your ex is that much of a low life then by managing your child’s expectations now it will work out better in the long run otherwise you’re just going to spend the next 15 years dealing with the after effects.

As said above, don't cover for his Dad. If your child brings it up, ask them, how do you feel about it. If you want to offer to buy it, that's your choice. Will it put you under pressure financially to buy 2 sets of presents? This may not be feasible long term, as presents get more expensive. Children are clued in and will understand eventually. Better to keep the narrative based in reality.

Agree with others.
It's different if he is really trying hard but he can't because of the circumstances, but sounds like that's not the case.
I wouldn't cover for him. If it were me, I would save up so in case he didn't get what he promised, I can buy it for him, making sure he knows I am the one buying it.

But in a long run, I think the children start to realise what is really happening.

Different but same issue - false promises - I have never glossed over or covered up. Nor do I ever apologise. I do validate their feelings if they are expressed and offer reasoning. However, they are now older and my heart broke the first time they expressed no shock at their fathers behaviour. I did apologise then but my eldest just pointed out I can’t control other people’s behaviour and it’s not for me to apologise. My point is they will get it eventually and that is something else to bloody deal with!

If you do cover for him, then you wont stop your son being disappointed in the long run - you will just delay it and potentially set him up for a bigger disappointment when he is let down in the future.
If you can afford the present yourself, then do as a pp suggests and buy it for your son after it doesn't materialise. Downplay the disappointment, but dont cover it up. "Oh that's a shame, never mind mummy will try to get if for you!" Avoid dwelling on it too much with your son: Didn't we have a lovely Christmas? wasnt x y z exciting?..." etc etc..

It is such a hard road , we want to protect our kids from hurt and the fact it will come from his dad is worse..

However it really doesn't help long term. The older they realise the more they personalise it.

For my ds a lot if my answers were i don't know - not because he because he is a self- centred arsehole who only thinks of himself.

I have this with my ex too, promises the world and never delivers. My DC is almost 13 though so now knows not to believe a word he says. It is heart breaking to see him upset, but sometimes you have to step back and let dc see for themselves. Your DC is still young though, so as mentioned before, manage expectations, gently say that daddy will try to get the items, but with Christmas and Santa trying to get the same things, it might not be possible. Then, if you can afford it, you could take him shopping in the sales, or he can use his Christmas money to get what he wants,

It breaks your heart when an ex promises your child something and you hear him say it but know full well he will let the child down. My sons were let down badly by their Dad too, and he didn't even have the being on drugs as an excuse. I just used to say Daddy must have been too busy or forgotten. When youngest child got a bit older he asked his Dad why he was always too busy to collect him for weekend, or forgot to buy him birthday gift etc. By the time he was 7 or 8 my younger son used to say I like to see Daddy, he says he will buy me x but I know he won't, but it doesn't matter or I hope Daddy turns up to get me, but if he doesn't can we have ice cream? He basically understood his Dad would let him down but he still wanted to see him. His older brother was let down 3 or 4 times then just refused to see his Dad. He was 10 and youngest 6. They are both young adults now eldest son hasn't seen his Dad in 3 years but youngest saw him once in August and before Covid would see him every 2 or 3 months. I hope your ex keeps his promises to his son.

Shrug and say “well love fingers crossed but let’s just see as sometimes things change. BUT I already have my present squirrelled away for you (and before you ask, my lips are sealed!!) and I know that Father Christmas has even wrapped his presents for you! So no matter what.... there will be some lovely surprises for you love”