How to survive first separated Xmas...

[Stegasaurusmum]

We separated in April, after 18 fairly good years, but several where I was unhappy and do was he.. On the surface everything is amicable, but he had to move out and is very very sad, understandably..

We talked about Xmas a bit, he wants to be here for the kids opening presents, which is fine, then I guess we will all eat together, then the kids will go to his boxing day... Unfortunately, as he doesn't drive and we live rurally, I'll either have to go and get him Christmas morning, or Christmas eve, or he will have to stay over... Fine, but it's going to be do uncomfortable..
I love Xmas usually and the thought if having to sit in front of the TV feeling so uncomfortable in my own home on Xmas eve...I'm skint too, so I'll need to be careful, he won't be as he's not paying out half as much as I am... Plus dealing with the presents etc, who gets what, do I get him something,...
It's just making me feel very depressed even now...!

Anyone have any suggestions? Anyone survived that first horrible Xmas and lived to tell the tale?

Last Christmas was the first seperated Christmas.
We talked through Christmas, I was happy to try whatever worked for the DC.
In the end he came round & saw them Christmas Eve which is when he gave them his gifts - his choice. He stayed for his usual visiting time of no more than 2 hours and I think, but can't be sure, that he may have called to wish them Merry Christmas.

It was hard work, having to put all the gifts out & hoping they didn't wake up whilst doing so. Then the next day trying to sort dinner as well as playing with their toys with them etc.

BUT all that said, we had a fantastic Christmas. Not just on the day but the build up, we were able to make our own new traditions as well as keep the old ones. It was different to how I ever imagined how Christmas' would be & it wasn't our 'norm' but we all loved it.

If yours does come over Christmas eve / day, just remember, there's the whole of the Christmas period for you to relax, enjoy & make your own traditions.

My ex and I did this the first Christmas we were separated. He stopped over on the sofa on Xmas eve so he could watch the kids open their gifts and then we had lunch together. The stopping over only happened once as he felt strange sleeping on the couch in the house he used to live in but the eating luch together continued for a good few years afterwards. He'd come by the in morning, sometimes before the kids woke up and then he and the kids would go back to his in the evening. We're both in New relationships now so no longer eat together on Christmas day but take turns having christmas lunch with the kids.

The first Christmas after separating with ex I allowed him to sleep over Christmas Eve, he got here quite late so I didn’t have to sit with him. He then watched the kids open their presents and left before lunch. I have to say it was pretty awful and I’m glad he didn’t stay the whole day or it would have been miserable. Luckily he now has a new partner and isn’t bothered about seeing the dc on Christmas Day, it was always about him and him being on his own (he made me feel bad) so then I felt I had to invite him over.

Do what is best for your dc and you, don’t feel you need to invite him over for the day because you feel sorry for him. It does get easier as the years go on and you both move on with your lives. My dc usually spend Boxing Day with their dad or the day after, of course he’s always welcome to drop by and see then Christmas Day but he doesn’t feel the need to know he has a girlfriend.

I made the mistake of trying to keep Christmas Day the same as when ex was here which of course it wasn’t. It only highlighted the fact that he wasn’t, thinking about it now.

I’d say think about how you’d like the day to be, consider the ex and his feelings only if you feel like that’s best for you and the DC.

Ultimately make the day how you and the DC would like it to be, if they’re old enough ask them if there’s anything they’d like to do differently on the day.
If they’re still young maybe don’t have a big Christmas dinner and spend time playing with all the new toys with a Christmas picnic under the tree instead.

I’m sure I read a post on here a few years ago from a mnetter who’d just had pizza with her DC so that she wasn’t tied to the kitchen all day and she said it had been the best Christmas they’d ever had.

Don't cabs run on Xmas day? Just have him over for a few hours to do presents and lunch and he can get himself there and back; he's an adult. Don't be a martyr, you deserve a nice day too.

I would seriously rethink this ...surely the children can have some presents to open with him on Boxing Day ... all sitting around together is going to be incredibly tense and the children will pick up on the atmosphere. As others have said, now is the time to change things around a bit rather than just doing the same thing you did for years as a couple.

How old are the children?

The first year we separated Exh wanted to come over on Christmas Day and the thought made me so uncomfortable that I had to say no. He could have DD on Boxing Day and do the whole second Christmas with her. That worked for a few years but now he has her on Christmas Eve to swap presents then I get her back on the afternoon.

He is a waster though and not that interested in DD.

I definitely wouldn’t do the running around though. Let him get a taxi.

How old are the kids?
I’d do half presents at home with you- Xmas eve and morning with you. Go collect him for a meal together (just for this year) and then drop him and the kids back to his for second Christmas there on Boxing Day. He can see them open the gifts HE has organised and have the day.
You’re separated. That’s the reality of life now and you need to be making a new normal!

I've been divorced for 14 years. What we established from the outset was that he would come on Christmas morning and open main presents then. He then left before lunch and would pick the DC up on Boxing Day and have them for a couple of days. We didn't give each other presents.

So we didn't have to have him staying over the night and he didn't see them open their stocking presents. But he came for major presents most years. I established a new tradition with friends for Christmas Eve which involved me and the kids having fish and chips and then going to a carol service and down the pub afterwards with our friends. On Christmas Day we have a large family Christmas with my family - my sister and I alternate hosting each year. Its always great fun - 16 for lunch, games etc. Though we think because of covid it won't happen this year and we will stay in our smaller family units. My hardest point was always after Christmas when XH had them for a few days. It could feel quite isolating so I would try to make a few plans with friends to fill those days so I wasn't on my own all the time.

Don't worry. It gets easier. We have never had meals together except for the kids birthdays.

If he's not paying half he can pay for a cab.... it will be awful otherwise

Last year it was hell for me.
I went up to the house (exH kept it, I didn't want it) for 7am. he knew that and let they come down and see presents before I got there. 😡

Then he sat in the den playing on the PlayStation popping in and out the kitchen to help DD1 (who's 20) to cook, she was popping into the den in between jobs to smoke.
My task was to play with DD2 and DGS in the living room..... all day. Every time the would pop through go see exH in the den they'd be sent back. Until dinner at 5pm. I have no issue spending the day with them, it was just awkward and horrible in the house.

At dinner I got moaned at and loads of digs to try make me argue.

I left at 7pm emotionally drained. NEVER again

This year I will go for present opening. Then I will go cook at my place, they will come for the meal. I will keep DD2 at my house after.

Thanks all, lots to think about. DC are 10 and 5...they've seen us being OK with each other, there's no animosity, just him being sad and making me feel guilty. It's a little tense when he's here but only because he barely interacts with them or shows any interest.. I do all the chatter, the fun, the running around too.. He had to move out as he doesnt drive and although he wanted me to move with the kids, it made no sense for him to be somewhere he couldn't even take them for a walk and couldn't do a food shop from. But he loved this house and I do feel so guilty... I'm hoping he could get a cab but he's making noises about coming Xmas eve, doing the whole big dinner thing... I actually don't want that, his thing was always making a huge fuss and cooking for days beforehand, eating really late because he'd made such a fuss and eating food he'd messed about with so much that the kids didn't like any of it, plus always cooking totally ridiculous amounts... I just want it simple, a roast dinner would do me fine, some crackers, a pudding.. Done! My parents are coming as I think it'll be better to have more of us here to sort of disperse the atmosphere as it were.. His live in Ireland, no chance of him seeing them and he's got no friends really. He also drinks a fair bit... I think possibly it could go either way with the drinking, he could drink more as he's here, or less..

Maybe I'll suggest he prepares a few things at home, brings them either late Xmas eve after I've taken the kids out for the day/evening.. or Xmas morning, then he could stay for dinner and get a lift home with my parents about 5pm... Kids could come to my parents for lunch on boxing day and then go to his, or just go in the morning for a few days. It would mean the only time we are together as the only adults would be just a few hours in the morning, when the kids would be opening presents.

I just need to stop feeling so guilty all the time, it's making me do more than is necessary for him, lifts, taking the kids there for all the contact, doing all the admin for DDs school applications etc.. He just sees them, does fun stuff then I pick them up currently.. In fact he let's them watch endless TV then buys them stuff and then I pick them up.

Make sure he brings presents from him. And you provide Fr Christmas and from you.

To be honest now is the time to start making your own traditions which do not include him.
Once my ex left we never shared another Christmas in the same house.
You say he barely interacts or shows any interest in them, so why are you putting yourself through this and going to the trouble?

Why is your Christmas all with him yet he gets to take the kids away alone? Doesn’t make sense. You are bending over backwards to facilitate his needs.

He should take them one day and do Christmas for them. You take them another and repeat.

No need to provide food and you can have whatever you want for dinner.

This is the year to do Christmas the way you want it! I wouldn't invite him to yours for Christmas Day at all especially as he can't even get there himself! Just say he can have the DC on Boxing Day or agree that your parents will drop your dc off when they leave yours at about 5pm. Then you can have a chill out evening and can relax. Treat yourself to a bottle of your favourite drink, a good book/film and done lovely posh bubble bath - whatever you fancy doing. Then have a lie in on Boxing Day before you pick them up again at whatever time you've agreed. Let him entertain them himself and you don't need to have him in your home making you (and probably your parents too) feel uncomfortable. I would have hated having my ex in my home and my DC soon got used to the new arrangements and having 2 Christmases!

I agree, once you have separated it can actually be quite confusing to the DC to have the non resident parent around especially as they are now 10 and 5. It would be better for them to have a separate Christmas with each of you. Veto the suggestion that he will be coming to turn your kitchen upside down and cook food that none of you want or even like.
When my EX and I separated, we would have celebrations on different days with presents etc. There is nothing to stop your EX doing this at his home, making them a dinner, having crackers, presents the works. But he doesn’t really want to do this, because he wants you to do it all so that he doesn’t have to put any real effort in. I suspect the DC when they are older will vote with their feet and refuse to go to his if he continues to put in so little effort.

Please try to stop feeling guilty, the marriage failed, and now each adult has to move on individually. How each parent does Christmas for the shared children is their own responsibility, and so is transporting the children between the two homes. He sounds very dependent on you still. It’s not your fault he has no friends, or that he drinks.

I remember my first seperated Christmas and like you I felt I needed to keep things as normal for the children and have their dad over. But in the end we did things seperately and it all works fine. My DC's dad doesn't drive either so he has them on the 27th when public transport is running again. They go to his family and have their own celebration with presents from their dad and his side of the family then. We do our own thing 24th-26th and it is lovely and relaxed. Don't feel you have to have your ex over - you deserve to have a nice Christmas too. Mine were also 5 and 10 the first year and they were happy with how it worked.

Oh and I have always got a nice present from the DC to their dad and then a box of chocolates from me for him and his family. The DC are older now and teen DS will organise a present to their dad this year.

The drinking could see him lose contact rights, if the DC aren’t being cared for or kept properly safe while at his home, so worth keeping in mind for overnights.

The first separated one for me was hard as I tried to be super amicable and ensure exH got to see the kids too. They were at home with me Xmas eve, lunch with grandparents and exH collected them around 4pm. That was the only year we did that, it was rushed and he was an arse about all of it. From there on, we have alternated and whoever has the DCs at Xmas doesn't get them at new year, and vice versa. He is still an arse about it, and will be even more so this year as the two eldest have already said they don't want to go to him over Xmas as he doesn't make any effort.

Thanks iys, I think I'll have he talk with him soon, try to stick to what I feel comfortable with but also is best for the kids. I really, really don't want to wake up with him in the house Xmas morning, so I'll start from there...

OP it sounds like you are still accommodating what he wants. Separation and divorce ends this. You don't have to do what he wants. Choose what you want. Tell him to come for Xmas evening meal and he can cook it all or before lunch on Christmas Day for presents. Let him have them for a couple of days from Boxing Day.

You don't need to call him. Text or email and say what options he can choose from. Stop trying to keep him happy. This is the point of splitting up. You do you. Yes make it work for the kids but de doesn't dictate what that looks like.

Live the dream! Choose your own life.