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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

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Original poster

A question for parents of older children about present giving.

23 replies

DumbledoresGirl · 09/10/2007 12:45

Sorry to be posting in the Christmas section this early if it offends people but I need to get my ammunition ready in advance!

I would like to know what other parents expect from their older children re present giving. When I was a child, I had to buy presents for both parents, both siblings and both sets of grandparents (ie 8 presents in all). I know my parents gave me money to buy the presents when I was younger and helped with ideas, but at some point that changed and I had to buy the presents out of my pocket money.

Up until now, I have not asked my children to buy anything themselves. I buy presents for them to give to dh and he does the same for me. I buy one present per child for the other three children to give to that child as a joint present. Grandparents just get a family gift.

So in my eyes, my children have been let off very lightly on the giving side. But for a few years now, I have become icreasingly uncomfortable about this. I feel Christmas is as much about giving as receiving and I want my children to learn this. My oldest is now at secondary and this year, I would like him to buy a gift for me, dh and his three siblings. I am prepared to let him have some money towards this as we cannot afford to give our children much pocket money each, but I really want him to think about what people would like, go and look in the shops, and come up with gifts that are his ideas. Dh and I are not bothered about what he buys us. It is the thought that counts and I think it is about time he started having those thoughts rather than just having me buy every gift for him and his only contribution is to help wrap them up.

What I want to know is, do your children buy things for others? Do you give them money to do so or do you expect them to save up their pocket money? Or do you not expect your children to give anything at all? If your child does buy gifts for family members, at what age did they start doing this?

Sorry, this is so long. I am incapable of writing consisely! Thanks.

OP posts:

DoctorFrankenSquonk · 09/10/2007 12:50

like yours, mine don't get pocket money. At christmas, dd1 gets an allowance to buy her friends presents, and another (slightly bigger) allowance to get presents for family. The rest is up to her, so some years I get nowt, but dp gets something, or granny gets a present and grandad doesn't. She's 13 now and I think everyone got a gift last year.

I still put her name on gifts from all of us, even if she is buying her own present for that person.

My other two are too little to do this for themselves, but I always make sure that each child has a present from each other child (if that makes sense)

Same for birthdays.

ChippyMinton · 09/10/2007 12:53

Good question! Mine are little (6,5 and 3) but I try and take them to the shops to choose birthday presents for their good friends (general party pressies come out of my stash of bargain buys ) and for each other, DH and grandparents etc. They have a grasp of what might be affordable and do enjoy discussing what others might like. Not sure what i'll do when they are older TBH.

Porpoise · 09/10/2007 12:56

Hi DG!

Here's how it hangs in the Porpoise household.

Have always done presents from kids to each other and to parents.

Started off just buying myself and getting them to help me wrap them up and make tag.

For the last two years, have asked the older two (now 9 and 7) to make suggestions and then have taken them with me/sat them at computer with me as we bought one of the (least ludicrous!) presents they suggested.

This year, plan to get 9-year-old to use his pocket money (supplemented a bit by me, if necessary) to buy v small presents for his brothers.

HTH

Original poster

DumbledoresGirl · 09/10/2007 12:59

Thanks for answers so far. Hmm, so it would seem that not only my 11 yo but also my nearly 10 yo should be taking on some responsibility for present buying. That actually make it easier - telling the 2 of them they have to do this - as then they can go shopping together.

OP posts:

pagwatch · 09/10/2007 12:59

My kids have always bought presents for each other. When they were little they would come up withideas and we would give them a budget. It was all about their developing empathy etc - mostly because DS2 has SN probs in this area.
Eldest DS actually started insisting on paying for them himself as soon as he started getting pocket money. So it just evolved naturally here really

Porpoise · 09/10/2007 13:05

Not shopping mall!

Cyberspace.

Easier with the crowd control!

fairyjay · 09/10/2007 13:06

My two are now 14 and 15, and for the past 3/4 years they have bought pressies for dh and me, each other, and four other close family members.

They have so much pleasure out of this. They get their own wrapping paper, and hide the presents so we can't guess what they are.

It's a big part of the joy in the run up to Christmas.

This year we are not buying presents between the four of us, because we're having a hot tub - yippee!! Their choice as much as ours.

Original poster

DumbledoresGirl · 09/10/2007 13:07

Less easy to control the spending on my credit card though!

OMG Porpoise, you have no idea how much horror I am filled with at the thought of my two odlest boys loose with my credit card on the internet!

OP posts:

Porpoise · 09/10/2007 13:11

Er, yes I do!

You have to stand over them with your finger on the CANCEL TRANSACTION button at all times

Original poster

DumbledoresGirl · 09/10/2007 13:19

I could do with one of those fingers myself!

OP posts:

GrapefruitMoon · 09/10/2007 15:42

hi DDG (It's KTeePee with Halloweenish name!)

DD (10) usually buys us all a chocoalate bar or something from a stall at the school Christmas Fair - usually from her own money. The ds's don't get pocket money yet so I get things on their behalf to give other family members. I sometimes get dd to contribute to birthday presents too (family) but she doesn't get a lot of pocket money so I don't always enforce it...

claricebeansmum · 09/10/2007 15:47

Ds school has a "secrets" room at their Christmas Fair so DD & DS go in there to buy something for DH & I. They buy it out of the money we give them to spend at the fair.

These are our favourite presents at Christmas - DH loved his golf balls (has never played golf) and I had an amenity kit from the local private hospital!! .

Presents to each other and DH - discuss with them and I might do some research and then present with an "either...or".

Original poster

DumbledoresGirl · 09/10/2007 19:19

Oh yes, penny gifts at the Christmas fair is one thing but what about "proper" presents?

OP posts:

Tamum · 09/10/2007 19:25

Mine have always done presents to each other and us and step-siblings, grandparents- anyone they see at Christmas, certainly. I pay for them because I am so rubbish at remembering to give them pocket money but they choose what they are going to give, at worst from a selection. They usually come out with me to choose things or make them themselves (nice-ish stuff like photo frames).

bozza · 11/10/2007 10:22

I am slightly surprised at this because so far we have never done presents to each other within our little family. All presents are designated as being from Father Christmas so there is nothing from DS to DD or vice-versa, and atm both still believe in Father Christmas. I do encourage them to choose something to buy the other at birthdays and go to the shop with them for this. DS bought DD a princess lunchbox this year, for instance, and still remembers and is pleased with this gift. But I think it cost about £8 so would have taken DS two months at a pound a week to save up for.

WotzNow · 11/10/2007 10:27

yes my dds (8+11) come shoping and we choose and buy one present from them to our close family. They go out with DH and get mine.

clutteredup · 11/10/2007 10:43

Ds is 6 and this year he bought dd a birthday present with his pocketmoney. he gets a pound a week, but only spends a little each week so inevitably has loads more than me!!! i talked to him and said it would be nice if he bought something, he could choose what and how much. first he suggested a 2p sweet, i pointed out that when it came to dd doing the same she would as likely as not respond in kind. he decided then he would spend a pond which he did, in actual fact he had had a few bad weeks and as a result the pocket money had nearly all been spent and he had £1.55 left. he still went ahead and spent £1 on her

Will try to get them both to do at Christmas, although dd is 4 so will need supplementing, they will make stuff for DH, don't know that I'll get anything from them as DH will have to oversee that and will probably not get around to it.

seeker · 11/10/2007 10:51

My dcs always buy presents for each other and for dp and me and for their two grandmothers. In the past I have given them the money , but the last couple of years, dd (11) has made Christmas card for dp use in his business and uses the money for her own Christmas shopping. She loves the feeling of choosing and buying presents with money she has earned. ANd the fact that on Christmas morning her presents are proper surprises for us all.I buy the materials for the cards and she buys them from me (at a discount - but she doesn't realize that). This year, ds has already said he wants to earn money too - so I'll have to think of a way for him to do it.

peskipixie · 11/10/2007 10:53

my oldest are 7 and 8 and for the last couple of years i have taken them late night (7 oclockish) shopping in the dark with all the xmas lights, v exciting! i give them the money to spend and let them loose in the pound shop. they only get £1/£1.50 pocket money depending on jobs done so it seems a bit much to expect them to save up for several weeks as they each need to buy 5 pressies this year, 2 parents and 3 siblings each. grandparents gifts are always hand made, might be painted glass candle holder, painted mug or sweets with handmade box. then we get a hot chocolate in a cafe when shopping is finished, we all really enjoy it.

i dont think gifts have to be expensive for the thought to be there. ds2 was 6 last year and bought me a calculator which he liked and dh some exciting thing with buttons which he liked. the thought was still there, but ds1 did really well and got me some beautifully soft socks and a usb light for dh which he was really pleased with. obviously the change in understanding between what i would like and what other people like is somewhere in between the two, but they were both really proud of choosing themselves and its really fun for us all

sweetheart · 11/10/2007 11:01

My dd (7) is given jobs to do around the house during the week to earn pocket money - she does things like empty the dishwasher, tidy her playroom, get ds (2) dressed in the morning (obviously I do the nappy!!!)

Out of her pocket money each week she has to put some into a piggy bank which is towards a xmas gift for ds which she will have to choose.

My mum does the same at her house for dd and with the money she saves at her grandma's house she has to choose a present for myself and dh.

She has been doing this (for myself and dh) for about 3 years. She's only started for ds this year as he was too young really last year.

Original poster

DumbledoresGirl · 11/10/2007 11:02

The more I think about this (and I have been thinking a lot about it and having various conversations with dh and ds1) the more I feel that perhaps this year, being the first year I am asking ds1 to do this, I should give him a certain amount of money with which to go shopping, rather than expecting him to fund it himself (though he has loads of money owing to a very lucrative birthday this year)

We had a long chat last night. What I really want is for him to go out and do the choosing and buying himself. If he can keep what he bought secret from everyone, that would be an added bonus because for me, part of the excitement of Christmas is everyone having lots of little secrets. In recent years, this bit has been lost on me as I have had to buy all the presents for everyone else to give each other, and often even know what I am getting as I tend to make a list and know that dh will ensure everything on it is bought.

But if ds1 and maybe ds2 (though dh thinks he shouldn't be made to do it yet) go shopping themselves and buy something of their own choosing, then I think not only will I get a surprise for the first time in years, but they boys will begin to learn what it feels like to think about others and take pleasure from their surprise. IYSWIM.

OP posts:

bozza · 11/10/2007 11:06

Actually DG if you approach it well (and I am sure you will) the boys will probably love it too, find it exciting and enjoy the responsibility etc.

ghosty · 11/10/2007 11:21

We are just introducing this concept to DS. He is 7, nearly 8.
He hasn't much pocket money but for DH's birthday I took DS shopping to help me choose something from him to DH. He contributed some of his pocket money ... a couple of dollars ...
For christmas we will give him some money to 'buy' something for DD and for DH and me.
When he gets older he will have to start funding it himself ... like we did when we were young.

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