Christmas after Loss of DC’s Dad

10 replies

norealshepherds · 05/02/2020 16:13

My children’s DF and my ex unexpectedly passed away just after Christmas. My DC are 4 and 15 months old. This Christmas will be their first without their dad and I’m already wondering about how to deal with it. We still talk about their DF, and I’d like to keep that at Christmas time and incorporate him into our traditions. I was thinking we could get a special ‘daddy’ bauble and hang that on the tree for him. I’d also like to gift the DC a present from him. However, I also don’t want to confuse them. Have any of you dealt with anything similar and how have you incorporated a lost loved one into your Christmas traditions?. Thank you

OP posts:

Orangecake123 · 16/02/2020 17:19

I'm sorry for your loss.

My grandmother passed away in august. My aunt decided she wanted to skip christmas altogether.

I think it's okay to go at your own pace.The bauble sounds lovely. Maybe you could have a quiet moment too and look at old photographs?

bandasilver · 24/02/2020 21:45

Hiya, I’m in the exact same position as you, this Christmas will be the DC’s first without their DF. The bauble sounds lovely, maybe they could send a balloon off with a message written to it for him. A present from him could be a good idea if you explain that Santa/you saw it and thought daddy would like them to have it, rather than directly from him

dippyeggsandham · 25/02/2020 01:17

I’m in a similar situation and the bauble sounds like a good idea

whitesoxx · 25/02/2020 01:40

Please don't let balloons off. There's really no need. Making a bauble or decoration out of things you've got might be nice or visiting his grave as a tradition?

ineedaholidaynow · 25/02/2020 01:43

A bauble would be a lovely idea. I think a present might be too confusing for them

DarkMutterings · 25/02/2020 01:50

Just an observation from a friend experience, work out how best to position the bauble.
A friends dad died when she was young and they had a similar tradition - two things happened

every year someone bought another bauble - usually the grandmother. Understandable in her own grief but it quickly became a 'thing'
when the original bauble broke it was devastating for her - she was about 15

Some other ideas might be a special candle stand (people arent likely to buy a new one every year all be it they might buy the candle and not so breakable ) or a beautiful copy of favourite Christmas book/story - if there was one. Maybe even starting a tradition - again if there an obvious option like walking to his favourite forest, baking a favourite cake

BiddyPop · 28/02/2020 10:27

We have our own family version of an Irish tradition on Christmas Eve. The youngest in the house lights the Christmas Candle, which used to be put in the window to show that there was room in this "Inn" for any weary travellers, even if no room at the Inn in Bethlehem. Nowadays, our candle stays on the mantle of the fireplace rather than in the window.

But as we are lighting it, we take a few minutes as a family to remember the good and bad things about the year just gone, and to remember the family members no longer with us. We say a "Hail Mary" (growing up, it would be a decade of the rosary - apparently my parents had to do the whole rosary when they were growing up). And we are not a particularly religious family - but its just a nice small interlude for us.

It comes after dark and after dinner, and just before we open the Christmas Eve hamper with lush festive bath bombs and new pjs for everyone, and DD's stocking to lay out, and the family edition of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" as the bedtime story. (This is more to explain when it happens, I know lots don't like CEHs).

Pipandmum · 28/02/2020 10:38

My husband died in october when my children were 4 and 6. That first Christmas was extremely hard (on me mostly) as I just didn't want to celebrate but the kids needed it.
Yours are young enough that you can create something, but I'd be a bit careful about making Christmas too much about their Dad as it will be about his absence and that will overshadow it, mainly for you as they are too young to have many memories of him (even the four year old will have only vague memories by the time Christmas rolls around). A bauble is nice but make sure it's not breakable. But we actually don't have any special thing on Christmas about my husband. I don't want any holiday to be associated with what's missing, only about what we should be thankful for.
What we do is on his birthday the kids write a card to him, just a brief thing about the highlights of the year and how they miss him, then we burn it. Mine were just old enough to have some memories of him, reinforced by photos and stories I've told them. It keeps the ritual away from other joyful holidays but acknowledges his memory.

BobbyBlueCat · 28/02/2020 11:12

Don't buy a present from him. They're too young to understand it's not 'him' that it's from and it'll confuse them.

The bauble is a great idea. But make sure it's not a breakable one because it'll be upsetting all over again if if gets damaged or broken. Also, make sure they get one each because when thye're older, they may want to keep it and use it on their own tree as adults and if there is only one then you don't want t row over who gets it.

They are very young so won't have many memories of him. They'll also be super excited about Christmas so don't turn it in to a big depressing memorial every year for them.
A little mention, a 'cheers' at the dinner table or somehting but that's it.

Toogramtogiveadamn · 13/03/2020 14:13

My dc first Christmas after their df dies we went away on holiday. We just didn’t want to be at the house without him.
The year of firsts is hard.

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