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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

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Original poster

Present for 4yo DS from Grandad in the sky?

23 replies

CoffeeAndDryShampoo · 23/12/2019 21:32

Happy Christmas Eve eve everyone.
This is my first post and I'm a little emotional today!
My DF passed away in the summer so it's our first Christmas without him. He and my 4yo DS were besotted with each other. DS has been told that Grandad lives in the sky with the angels now and won't be able to come down to see us, but he's still loves him very much. I am toying with the idea of leaving DS a small present from Grandad on Christmas morning, with a note saying he's asked Santa to deliver it for him. Do you think this would be a nice idea to still include Grandad in the day, or would it be too confusing for a 4yo? I'd like honest opinions as the last thing I want is to confuse DS! Thank you x

OP posts:

Snaleandthewhail · 23/12/2019 21:34

I’m sorry for your (and his) loss.

I think it would be too confusing for him. Can you do something special to remember grandad? Perhaps go out and look at the stars, or light a candle?

WisestIsShe · 23/12/2019 21:36

I agree it might be confusing. How about sharing a little tradition in memory of grandad? A favourite Christmas book or snack? Then it can be a part of Christmas every year?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 23/12/2019 21:38

I wouldn't.

I'd raise a glass to him at dinner and talk about him. Lighting a candle is nice.

But a gift might end up with horrible Santa/Grandad mash up in his mind. And strange ideas about what people can do when they are dead.

Cohle · 23/12/2019 21:39

I wouldn't - I think it would be very confusing. And would present issues in the future when you wanted to stop this present.

FamilyOfAliens · 23/12/2019 21:41

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I wouldn’t do it. Child bereavement experts always advise being as honest as you can with children and explain things in an age appropriate way and with the correct language (died rather than gone to heaven, for example). You would basically be telling him something that isn’t true.

Torchlightt · 23/12/2019 21:42

Sorry, but I wouldn't have told him that grandad is in the sky either.

MoaningMinniee · 23/12/2019 21:42

It's a lovely thought in some ways OP but not a good precedent for the years ahead. Our children do need to understand that once a person has gone across that's it, nothing physical can come back. All we can do is send love forward. Best love and christmas wishes xx

cakeandchampagne · 23/12/2019 21:44

Sorry for your loss.
I wouldn’t mislead him.

Original poster

CoffeeAndDryShampoo · 23/12/2019 21:45

Thanks for your advice everyone. My mind is a little frazzled with emotion! I like the idea of looking at the stars, we could wish Grandad a happy Christmas and have a mince pie in his honour (he loved them, me not so keen but I'm sure I could force one down!)

OP posts:

Torchlightt · 23/12/2019 21:52

"gone across"?

Ostanovka · 23/12/2019 21:52

I have got my small DC something I know my mum would have bought for them, so I'm going to tell them exactly that - if she was still alive, she'd have given it to them. I've also bought myself something I know she would have chosen for me too:)

reluctantbrit · 23/12/2019 22:18

I wouldn’t do it. DD never met her granddad but we remember him by talking about him and the favourite things he liked/did around Christmas time.

HotPenguin · 23/12/2019 22:21

Why not put a special decoration on the tree in his memory?

Kanga83 · 23/12/2019 22:30

Having gone through a loss this year with my 5 and 3 year old, I wouldn't. We have bought an angel ornament for the tree and named a star after our nanny. I think that would be a real confusion and will open questions that cannot be truthfully answered.

Hotcuppatea · 23/12/2019 22:33

Just echoing everyone else. Light a candle for him or have a special decoration.

Sorry for your loss. Firsts are very hard

LostMyRubySlippers · 23/12/2019 22:37

I was just going to suggest the same as HotPenguin- buying a special decoration for the tree then you can hang it each year to remember him

Love51 · 23/12/2019 22:37

I'm really uncomfortable with it, and I'm someone whose child lose a soft toy on the way to the postbox and then said the toy had gone to help Santa, to buy me some time to replace it.
Santa is a nice story, most kids understand that on some level and play along. Your dad is a real man you and your son have loved and lost. One day your child will realise the difference and could be weirded out that you have conflated the two. Or, he might be pleased that you have created a special memory for him. We can't know, but I'd prefer to err on the side of caution.

ZenNudist · 23/12/2019 23:16

Light a candle. Say a few words about how special he was to you and how you are thinking of him this Christmas and how you wish him well wherever he is now and offer him strength on his journey. Then hang a special tree decoration in his memory.

Much nicer. Not so confusing.

Death is only a new beginning. But I'm sorry for your loss. Sad times for you I know.

ChocolateCoins19 · 23/12/2019 23:58

What about each Yr buying a special bauble for the tree?

BlueEyedFloozy · 24/12/2019 00:45

I agree with PP - I think honouring your Dad is a lovely idea.

I'm one who weirdly doesn't necessarily believe in any sort of afterlife but I do like to think that our loved ones are shining amongst the stars on a clear night so my daughter will bring up her Gran and our dogs who are now in the sky. Spiritual without religion I guess?

I'd name a star and point out the brightest one every christmas and sit quietly by the window or outside with a warm drink and mince pie to share memories of him.

Sorry for your loss.

Thoughtlessinengland · 24/12/2019 00:57

V sorry for your and your sons loss. Unfortunately it isn’t the right thing to say things like gone to live in the sky etc and a gift from him would generate unbearable and damaging confusion. There are age appropriate ways to communicate around death and remembering the dead. It’s all to help little ones cope and honesty is the best way. X

Original poster

CoffeeAndDryShampoo · 24/12/2019 01:13

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to read and reply, it's much appreciated. It's helpful to have outside opinions when your heart is ruling your head! A special bauble/decoration for the tree is a lovely idea I hadn't thought of. Sending Christmas wishes to you all.

OP posts:

SageRosemary · 24/12/2019 01:28

Happy Christmas @CoffeeAndDryShampoo and sorry for you loss.

We hang baubles on our tree to remember my Dad and my nephew. This is the link to where we got personalised ones. wowwee.ie/collections/in-loving-memory We have the ones with holly and they are lovely. Maybe your local shopping centre has a pop-up shop that does Christmas decorations.

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