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Christmas

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Original poster

Duplicating presents to different people.

25 replies

Divebar · 13/12/2019 14:57

Ok I’m sure this is counted as a first world problem but here goes. I am from a family with a sister and two brothers. Ever since I became an adult and my brothers found partners my mum has been giving the same present to all the “ girls” and all the “ boys”. Last year myself sister, sister in law, girlfriend and even a friend of my mums received exactly the same pair of Pyjamas from her. The men all received the same Male version which was totally not to my DHs taste. As a younger woman I found this pretty hurtful actually that there wasn’t very much thought into what was bought. We’ve tried to stop the adult present buying now to keep costs down but she seems to have extended the practice to our children. Is it petty to not want my DD to be bought the exact same thing as my nieces? They’re all different and like different things but my mum is under the impression that they won’t be able to cope seeing their cousins with a toy they don’t have. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

ForeverBubblegum · 13/12/2019 15:46

I hated this as a child, I always got the same presents as my sister despite having completely different likes and a 3 year age gap.

My mum honestly believes she was 100% fair as we had exactly the same. In reality it was really annoying always having toys that were to old for me, because what I wanted was to young for sis, and I could grow into it. I also had to have clothes that matched hers (to her tast not mine), and was only allowed to do hobbies she already did (because mum was already taking her), again in mums head all fair as exactly the same.

I know I sound really ungrateful, as I was bourgh toys and taking to hobbies etc. But it always felt that she couldn't be bothered to get to know me as an individual, so just treated me as a smaller clone.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 16:12

Could you be any more ungrateful? Christmas present shopping can be stressful so if your mom finds a 'one size fits all' present then fair play to her.

Would you be less upset if you all had pyjamas in the same style with different designs?

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 13/12/2019 17:32

You're being really ungrateful, and quite childish imho.

ohwheniknow · 13/12/2019 17:37

Except the one size fits all present doesn't fit all the recipients. That's not thoughtful.

Cloudyyy · 13/12/2019 17:50

Just get over it, enjoy the festive season for what it is and try to show some gratitude for your Mum’s present.

Original poster

Divebar · 13/12/2019 18:08

It’s not really about me now I’m not so bothered by it.... it used to bother me a lot though when I was a younger woman. I suppose I enjoy choosing presents for people and thinking of what they would enjoy and would never dream of buying my mum, mil and step-mum the same thing ( and if I had my mum would have been massively unimpressed). I want my DD to be appreciated for herself and don’t really want big presents bought that I know she won’t play with because of some idea that everyone wants must have the same thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Divebar · 13/12/2019 18:09

And of course I show gratitude.... I’m not petulantly stomping around about it.

OP posts:

Rubyroo73 · 13/12/2019 19:41

I’m with you - it seems a bit lazy, especially if she wouldn’t like it herself. A bit more thought would be nice or if she finds it stressful, perhaps you could help by offering some guidance within the budget?

NatashaAlianovaRomanova · 13/12/2019 19:55

My mum does this & it really irritates me! Guaranteed it'll be pjs with some form of cartoon animal on, a dove gift set, sweets & a bottle of wine.

I don't wear PJ's with hedgehogs on them because I'm not 5 & I can't stand the smell of Dove - she knows these things but just doesn't care! The wine & sweets are the only things I'll use.

It's annoying because for the same cost she could just buy me a set of nice pjs that I'd actually wear but she needs to be "fair". It's also annoying because I buy her gifts that she's either requested or that I know she'll love & absolutely no thought goes into my gifts at all.

She hasn't always done this but as she's got older she's got worse & I'm seriously considering suggesting we skip the gifts next year but I know I'll feel bad not giving her anything.

Thankfully for the kids she gives us the money & we buy our kids gifts from her - but her grandkids range from 3 months to 30 years so buying the exact same wouldn't work for them.

Barbararara · 14/12/2019 08:54

When you give a gift you think about the recipient.
When you receive a gift you think about the giver.

Imperfect gifts are a perfect opportunity to teach your dc to consider the giver (whom they love and who loves them) instead of the gift, and to help counter the current trend of rampant materialism and entitlement.

Tooner · 14/12/2019 09:23

I would ask her to give me the receipt in case the present didn't suit. She's being unreasonable especially as you say she would not like to be given the same gift ad the other women in your family.

DreamingofSunshine · 14/12/2019 10:56

I'd be annoyed by the waste of it. If my Mum bought me and SIL the same pjs it'd likely suit neither of us as I only like pure cotton m&s pj trousers with a secret support vest top and SIL likes Disney or Harry Potter pj's. So at least one of us would be giving it to the charity shop.
I don't think things have to be the same to be fair/equal.

GemmeFatale · 14/12/2019 18:30

So buy whichever female relative she will open her gifts alongside a thoughtful, personal gift. Buy your mother the exact same items.

This is best if the relative in question has taste wildly different to your mother.

BlackSwanGreen · 14/12/2019 18:34

I can see why this is annoying OP, especially as you think the reason is 'fairness'. (I'd have more sympathy with your mum if it was because she finds it hard buying for young children and wants to get the most out of any good idea she thinks of!)

However, I think you have to suck it up really. It would be rude to complain about it.

cheeseandcrackers · 14/12/2019 19:14

Really? When I find something really good I often buy multiples, e.g. for both sets of similarly aged nieces or for both grandfathers. It never occurred to me that they wouldn't appreciate this. In all cases I genuinely think all recipients would like it.

PhantomErik · 14/12/2019 19:18

Could you make suggestions of things that she could get multiples of for all the children in the family like dressing gowns, onesie's, water bottles etc

I agree it comes across as a bit lazy/thoughtless but maybe she's just rubbish at choosing gifts.

Angelinthenightx · 14/12/2019 19:37

My mum does this doesnt bother me at all its the thought that counts & xmas is for the kids. I also do it for my brothers kids the girls get the same & so do the boys ,they dont mind.

xTinkerhellx · 14/12/2019 19:43

I do this, but for token presents, not close friends and family.

So teachers/TA or the people in my team or distant relatives who I will happen to see over Christmas but are not that close too, will get the same thing in different colours/smells/flavours.

Close friends and family, who I know well enough to know their tastes, will get something personal and thoughtful.

Cherryrainbow · 14/12/2019 21:26

I understand being annoyed at wasted gifts. For example every One who knows me knows I don't drink wine. I explicitly let people know don't buy me wine. Like at work for secret santa/birthday lists. No wine. Then I get gifted wine. Why?! It's not for me. All I can do with it is give it to someone else.

Snaleandthewhail · 14/12/2019 21:33

My mum’s side of the family had three daughters, three son in laws, three grand daughters. We would open our presents in sync so we were surprised together. None of it was bought according to our interests.

The culture of “we will buy something to tick the box and say we have bought your something” pervades to the next generations.

I have said time and time again over the last ten years: I don’t want your gifts. What I actually mean is: as you put no thought into what gifts I may like, but rather put me into a sort of random gift generator such as “adult female likes cooking so it must be... a novelty pink salt and pepper set”, I’d really rather you didn’t bother as it saves you money and me having to be polite and then to get rid of crap.

Apparently I am “ungrateful” though.

JaJoJe · 15/12/2019 20:15

I believe its the effort that counts, effort to think of something someone loves and then effort to get that item.

something free but full of thought is priceless but something expensive but thoughtless its worthless.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 15/12/2019 20:20

I don’t think you are some absolute ingrate to be quite [eye roll] about it because as a PP said they are doing a box tick exercise.

BUT what they probably think is that getting everyone the same guards against jealousy and perceived favouritism, plus they probably want to show their love for you at Christmas but don’t know any other way how.

Receive, nod, smile, proceed to local charity mission, donate, walk away.

Repeat year on year.

Honeyroar · 15/12/2019 20:21

In this sense it does seem selfish as the gifts aren’t even something people really want.

I have to admit that I’ve bought practically the same presents for quite a few of my family for the past few years- but they all adore a certain candle/toiletries shop from the states and I travel there a lot.. I did check this year if they’d prefer a change but they said no.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 15/12/2019 20:28

My ex mil would do this. All the “girls” would get the same pair of size 12 pyjamas (none of us were size 12). Everyone got the sweets / biscuits - including the diabetics. The men got red wine, even the one with an alcohol problem.. I could never understand it, but on some level I think she saw it as generous?

Deminism · 15/12/2019 20:42

Yanbu to be annoyed and like you say you are gracious when receiving it. I too would be annoyed.

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