Christmas reality

[Rainydayss]

First Christmas this year just me and DD after separated with DH. Everywhere I look, TV, social media etc there is happy big families sitting around a big table for lunch, boardgames and lots of fun.
Is this a true representation of the majority?
I feel sad I won't have that and I crave the big family and company. Plus also worried I'm not enough for DD on the day as she loves having people visiting.

It's hard, I was dreading it a few weeks back but things are a lot better thankfully. Do new traditions rather than things that bring back memories of former times is my advice. For my sins I invited stbexh for Christmas Day, he announced he was coming for breakfast! Had to quickly say no 12 is early enough!

Yes new traditions are a good idea. It doesn't help seeing people's smiley big family Christmas photos, I should come of social media as that often makes me think everyone is having much more fun

I really feel for you as I have experienced this too. Just vet Xmas films as our first year without XH ever single film seemed to have daddy doing what he could to get to his kids for Xmas!! My X didn't bother his star and it was a bit strange. Fortunately it was a dry day and they saw friends out playing so we actually ended up with some of their pals in the house playing which was lovely! Dinner was weird but we were invited round to neighbours in the evening who had kids the same age do that helped. Is any of that feasible?
Start thinking of new traditions together - beach or forest walk or letting dd help cook dinner, make table decks etc as it can be a kind day of ages an early riser! Have fun and I hope you enjoy it. Ignore social media - most of those big families will be arguing and seething with resentment towards each other at some point!!

I have a large family. Christmas time is not like the tv in our family. My brother's will be pissed, Sil's will be sitting with their faces tripping them. My sister will be trying to make dinner for everyone. My niece and her partner will definitely fall out (happens every year). All the kids will be fighting over toys and hitting each over. When you think it can't get any worse 1 sibling will say something and everyone will fall out. Every year we always say next year we're doing our own thing. We always end up back together.

Honestly I think for the most part, no.

We open presents here in the morning which is obviously over in seconds, have a massive breakfast and then generally just ... do nothing until it’s time to go out for dinner with my parents. We go for dinner, go back to theirs and open presents, stay for a couple of hours then go home. That’s it. No round 2, 3 and 4 in the next few days the way other people seem to have. It’s fine and we’re so lucky to have what we have but it’s not that ‘Christmas film’ Christmas. Probably having a relatively small family is part of that.

I’d say the majority of my Christmasses as a child, dad had to work at least part of the day (nursing) so mum and I were home alone for some of it, unless we went to church in the morning. He would see me open my presents and have breakfast, then do the morning shift. He’d come back in time for lunch. Other than that it was uneventful and not super exciting as I had no siblings and relatives lived at the other end of the country.

I think it always seems as if everyone else is having a better time, but in reality they probably aren’t. The Christmas ads on TV don’t help, depicting happy family groups. I think it helps to break up the day by getting out for a walk, even for just half an hour, there will be other people out with DC and their new bikes/scooters/dolls prams, and I‘ve never known anyone not say ‘Happy Christmas’, even to complete strangers.

she loves having people visiting.

But what prevents you from inviting people for Christmas? Either friends or acquaintances who might welcome an invitation?

TV advert portrayals of Christmas are designed to make you buy vast quantities of stuff! That’s all.

Having a family like Parkhead’s, and a DM and DMIL who compete about who has seen us for more minutes than the other, we now don’t travel at least 50% of Christmases.

So at least every 2nd year, it is just DH, Dd and I. Taking it easy, relaxed breakfast, mass, 1 extended family visit, prep dinner together, open presents in front of the fire, eat dinner, watch cruddy tv or play some board games - but generally slowing down and doing not a lot.

The 1st year we took the expectations out of it and did what WE wanted was just such an eye opener!!

I know it’s different to your situation, but don’t think about “what everyone else is doing “ because most of them aren’t actually. Think instead about what would make you and DC happy, and how you can make that happen.

Is there anything you have always wanted to try/make/eat/watch/play that you haven’t been able to? Could this be the year to try it?

What do you love from previous years that you can continue to do even as the family has changed?

Are there ways you can make Christmas more meaningful for you both? Going to see decorated houses near you, a carol service, quiet contemplation of the year (acknowledging the bad things and also noting the good things - and looking ahead to the hope of next year) at some point?

Some fun things to do together - decorating using paper snowflakes or paper chains that you make together? Baking biscuits to eat or for the tree?

Decide for the main meal what YOU both want to eat for the feast - do you really want turkey? Or would a pizza feast with buying bases, sauce and topping to make yourselves be a great feast for You to make and enjoy together?

And celebrate the changes, seeing the positives rather than the negative. I know that’s easy to say - but while I am in a different situation, I have had to turn around my thinking on a good few things over the years and make sure I focus on the positives .

Good luck and enjoy

I spend Christmas at home with my 2 dd’s. Always dreamt of a big family Christmas, people sat around the table and me hosting with loads of food, sadly things don’t always go to plan. Both my dad’s have ASD and their dad left 4 years ago, we have to keep things low key of dd2 can’t cope, dd1 isn’t very sociable and likes to be at home.

We make the most of it, it’s pretty relaxed, we can wear pj’s all day, eat when we like, play with toys and watch rubbish tv. It’s not how I pictured Christmas to be but it’s ok and we still enjoy it.

I don't think most people's Christmas's are like that, especially going by some of the threads on here . I'm sure your DD will love being the centre of attention for the day. I imagine plenty of kids feel overwhelmed being surrounded by lots of people at Christmas. Would she enjoy working on a project with you like building a lego set or a jigsaw?

Our Christmas is just us and the children. We have no friends or family and it's bloody brilliant. We have a fantastic christmas, it is what you make of it. We have our own traditions, no christmas dinner and it's all about the children.

We’re having family beforehand to do a fake Christmas and I can guarantee that it’s nothing like the tv. It will be nice but I’m not having them ruin my actual Christmas Day.

There is only 3 of us so I’m going to search through old posts for fun traditions I can pinch but I am going to write a list and a schedule. So get up open presents I’ll then heat our pastries, sing a long, play toys, lunch, speech then movie and or play games, I’ll also try to get a walk in there so we’re hungry for turkey sandwiches later.

Schedule can be binned but I don’t want to be asked what’s next but if they do ask that, then I’ll have a plan 😀

@Rainydayss

I generally don't post a lot on social media, but tend to make an exception over Christmas, as it's my favourite time of year. We'll look like the most sickeningly perfect bunch. DS11 with his new bike, DH and I spending our first Christmas together as husband and wife, and I'm pregnant with our twins due on Christmas Day. DM and DF will be there and DNan. Champers and canapés for morning reception. Oh the picture of Christmas perfection.

Reality:

I'm so fucking ill with the pregnancy and beyond enormous and unsteady on my feet that we've had to order in almost all the Christmas dinner as prepacked so god knows how inedible that will be. I can barely sit up let alone stand with this pair relentlessly booting me in the groin. DS has ADHD and will most likely have lost his shit about something by 8am and storm off to his room for the morning declaring that we're all arses. The main tree isn't up, no idea how I'm going to even attempt that. I've still got to order the bloody food, and finish Christmas shopping. I can't wrap anything properly as I can't lean over anything, it gives me acid reflux which leads to being sick repeatedly. Then of course, there's the strong likelihood that Bert and Ernie will make an early appearance, and I'll be laid up in hospital.

So when you see a family like mine, looking wonderful on Facebook, please think of us. Of the second after the photo has been taken, where I flop over with my swollen feet, DS yells at DNan for no reason, DH and DM get snippy with each other microwaving the plastic pack sprouts. What you see on social media, is often far from the real picture.

You'll have the best time with DD. It won't be any less "picture perfect" than ours, and that's the beauty of it. Do it your way. Completely. Sod everyone else. Have a wonderful day

Christmas reality... there is the 4 of us... me, DH, DD17, DD19 - we will at some point do some feasting, boardgames, cosy up on the sofa watching a film together - love and laughter and fun and games.

At other points we will visit my mum in hospital - possibly... she is dying, we do not know if last Christmas was to be her last or not yet.

We will visit MIL in care too - or she may come to us. She has dementia. Last year we got to clean the poo smears off the bathroom wall and help her scrub her fingernails. But she had a smile on her face when she fell asleep.

So, partially a true representation of the day... if we didn't live, laugh, have fun, we'd probably be sitting crying in the corner somewhere...

My Xmas reality will be pretty shit too op. Xmas eve I host my whole family, my mum and dad who have been divorced 38 years but are still friends - sounds perfect right? Not really, I don’t get on with either of them for different reasons. I’ll have my bro who is is bipolar and an alcoholic and his poor dp who I know will be anxious the whole time plus her 2 kids, one of which has sensory problems and a special diet. At least I have my sis and bil and 2 nephews who I am close two. My 3 are all teens so will have to encourage them to actually engage with us all etc. I’ll head to bed crazy late, exhausted and drunk.

Xmas day will be me, dh and 3 teens. I’ll be lucky and get a lie in, but the kids will just open presents and naff off back to their rooms probably. Xmas dinner I always invite my exmil as she has nowhere to go, but she is 85 now and hard work. We also invite DH’s bro who is alone every year, but is dull and only really talks to dh.

Boxing Day dh will visit his parents, I won’t as we hate each other. I may see if dd wants to go sale shopping this year but otherwise me and dh will crash Boxing Day eve with a bottle champers and a heap of cheese and rejoice that it’s over.

You and your dd will be fine my love. Make the most of the 121 time. Play some Xmas tunes and watch some films and eat nice party food.

Most years we have Christmas just us at home. I have had it just me and my DS and later me, my Ds and DD.

My favourite Christmases are at home. We do what we like when we like. The children get all my attention which they love. I still cook a big dinner as then there are lots of leftovers.

There are boardgames you can play just the 2 of you. My DS and I play one called Ticket to ride. It can be hard sometimes to let go of our idea of 'the perfect Christmas' but I'm sure you'll have a lovely day

We have had various christmas's over the years ranging from MIL's, going out for dinner, my mums, having various people over to us (we all live hours apart so christmas with family means staying over)
We have also had christmas's just us. Last year it was just us (3 kids aged 8-12) and it was bloody lovely. We had several days of just watching films and playing board games and eating. We'd had a busy year - I had doubled my hours at work, kids had had to go to afterschool club etc so the few days of chilling was just what we needed.
So not having other people round for christmas needn't be a bad thing!

I love these comments and it helps put a lot in perspective especially those of you who have various challenges over Christmas

Sympathise OP, this is often my experience too. Used to have a big family Christmas as a child and loved it. However, had a lot of bereavements and not many family to invite round anymore .

I try and make sure that we have a fair number of activities planned with friends for the days around Christmas. So I get lots of opportunities to connect with people. Christmas Day itself is just 24 hours, I find I can get through it if there's plenty of other stuff either side.

I also refuse to watch adverts and I stay off social media from Christmas Eve to after Boxing day.

Sending hugs xx

This year our Christmas will look lovely and busy as both my sisters and their families are coming. But in reality we have just lost our Mum and we are all overwhelmed and broken at trying to cope with it, let alone deal with Christmas.

We will get it through for the dc, but in reality I wish it would all just go away.

Last Christmas was our first without my mum, who lived with us. The last Christmas we had with her was a total disaster. Ds2 who was 5 was at the ooh with raging tonsillitis by 10am. My sisters dp had food poisoning, and my mum ended up in hospital by the evening. My dad died a month ago.

Dhs parents are divorced. His dad lives 300 miles away and doesn't travel or invite us. His dm lives 10 miles away but has golden child for Christmas so we don't see them (we're nc with said golden child).

It'll be us and my sister and her dp. We just hope for no medical emergencies. We have decided not to do dinner. Last year we started an afternoon tea tradition instead of Christmas Dinner, so at least I won't be in the kitchen all sodding day. I have a bottle fizz in the fridge ready, and god willing, I'm cracking it open with breakfast.

Yes avoidance of social media is definitely the way forward and only a tiny snapshot of a day. I feel much more positive about making the best of the situation and starting own traditions whilst being grateful our situation could be far worse

Different situation but but I get it.

It was always just me, DS and DH at Xmas and we suffered infertility and it always felt worse on Xmas day with a space at the table. After 6 years I got pregnant but our DS2 died before birth and then it was really hard to look at that empty space... something about Xmas just that feeling of not being a complete family.

The thing is as a child to a single mother who didn't have any siblings for the first decade of my life I didn't actually feel that way as a child. I dont think these feelings of insecurity hit us until adulthood so I'm sure your DD will have a great day.

I think the t.v. adverts/pictures in magazines etc. really build this massive expectation that, in reality, is very hard to achieve.

I am very fortunate that I will have a nice Christmas but not as busy as those adverts!

Christmas eve will be me, DH and DS (6). We are planning to have dinner and then watch the polar express before DS puts things out for Santa. Once he's in bed, we will set up for morning.

Christmas morning will be the three of us and my dad may pop in for a bit as my mum is working the morning. Then we will go to SILs for dinner. There will be SiL, BiL, two nephews (18 and 22), MiL and MiL's friend. It will be a nice day but the morning will be mainly about DS presents and playing with him.

Not sure what we are doing boxing day.

My parents are coming in the 27th so that will be nice.

I would just focus on doing what makes you and your daughter happy - other people's lives are rarely as perfect as they look on social media.

So glad to find this thread, as have always felt like it was just me who struggles at Christmas (also at Easter, but to a lesser extent)

Every year at Christmas it is just me, DH, DS and DD. We have no other family other than ourselves and I find it really hard when the whole Christmas thing is about family and we don't have any!

I'm fortunate to have a few good, close friends, but they all have their own family; siblings, SILs, BILs, parents that are alive, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, none of which I or DH have.

So we don't see them over Christmas, as they are busy with their families. I wouldn't feel right asking them over at Christmas, as I do feel a bit embarrassed and billy-no-mates; similarly, in the past we have popped round to visit friends at Christmas, but DH and I are both reserved and I feel a bit like the "spectre at the feast" of someone else's family Christmas with a load of their relatives that we don't know.

I do feel sorry for my children, it's not very exciting for then. Although I do work really hard every Christmas to try to make it special for them. Christmas Eve we make homemade mince pies and then always go out for the evening, usually to the cinema to see a Christmassy film, on , Christmas Day, we go to church in the morning, Boxing Day we always have a day out somewhere that is open or a long walk!
Don't get me wrong, it is lovely in it's own way but ..... I miss the family that I have never had...
TBH I also find it hard the rest of the year with no family support.
And don't get me started on social media with all those people moaning about cooking Christmas dinner for 20, that's something to avoid at all costs!